Hiraeth

06

FEAR and embarrassment lingered in her gaze as she stared into his confused ones. The guilt of it all came crashing down, making Sitara unable to look into his eyes as she stood there, frozen to her spot.

"I'm sorry." She managed to muster a response, feeling deeply shamed by her instincts. He didn't deserve to be treated that way just because she couldn't get out of her own fear of living in a man's presence.  

He looked at her for a while and then left to change. Sitara still stood there, closing her eyes in exhaustion as she heard the bathroom door close. 

She felt like a terrible person but there was nothing that she could do. Despite fighting everyday to survive in a man's world and somehow still ending up managing, she had grown very timid at the same time. 

She had fought everyone including her own loved ones for freeing herself from the shackles of that man. She had faced Asad in the court. She had beared the accusations thrown at her by him and his family. In a way, she had won too. The case never really progressed but she could get out. She didn't have to see him again and could take her son away from him.

But despite all this, she knew she didn't have the physical strength to protect herself from a man. The trauma of the constant abuse had been badly etched in her mind and she never found herself recovering from that.

Her heart would pound very hard in her chest when she had to step out late at night. She flinched every time she felt someone's lecherous gaze on her in public. Her senses numbed every time a man tried to touch her inappropriately in the crowd. With Rehaan being just a little more than a stranger, his proximity was already quite overwhelming for her.  

"Mama." Abeer stirred in his sleep, making her attention transcend towards his sleeping figure. He looked quite uncomfortable in his slumber as his breathing seemed heavier than usual.

She softly withdrew Ayla's hand away from his stomach, that she had very adoringly clutched while insisting to be near her baby brother as they slept. She covered her with a blanket and shifted her attention towards Abeer. 

His eyes opened for a while before they closed again. Sitara carried him to his room and decided to sleep with him instead of putting him in the crib. He was still getting familiar to the changes around him and at times was left bewildered by the surroundings. 

She kissed his forehead before letting sleep engulf her tired eyes and felt him snuggle onto her in his slumber.

-

It was a Sunday and Rehaan had taken Ayla to his golf practice. Sitara was still a little troubled with Abeer's health as he had suddenly grown very slow. 

"Doctor ko bulwaya hai maine." His mother worriedly informed, glancing at her looking at him in distress as he played with his toys looking glum.

"Maybe it's the weather." Sitara hoped as she looked at him. He had always been prone to catching a cold or flu ever since his birth and the doctors barely had an answer for it.

It was almost lunch time when Ayla and him came home. According to her mother in law, Sunday lunches at their home were a big deal because the extended families too came over.

Since they weren't invited for the wedding, she explained that they were a little upset and to make up for it, she had arranged for a way more impressive fare.

Sitara didn't feel like going down considering Abeer's health. The doctor had said that he was suffering from a normal infection that would last for a couple of days but she knew how needy he got when he was sick.

"Just come for five minutes. Rehaan's aunt is giving everyone a tough time." His mother insisted, bringing a maid with her who could look after him while Sitara could join them for the lunch.

The felt a sense of nervousness crippling her as she checked herself in the mirror. She was still wearing that white chikankari kurta that she had slept in the previous night. She had got no time for herself ever since he had fallen sick. She didn't know what was to be expected downstairs and she was never ready for it.

"Humesha khush raho." She blessed her, touching her shoulders fondly and peered at her attentively as she sat beside her on the sofa while the other guests were in the dining room, laughing off and chatting as they ate.

"Why, Javeria? Don't you feed your daughter in law enough or make her involved with the chores? She's so dainty and frail." She had laughed, treating her comment as a joke but Sitara could notice his mother uncomfortably smile at the remark.

"Rehaan was three when he used to come at me. He used to call me his favourite aunt. For me, him and my Adil were the same but priorities change, hmm?" It was a clear cut taunt at her mother in law for not inviting her for their wedding but she had chosen to not blow it out of proportion. 

"Maa, I have to go. It's time for Abeer's medicine." Sitara got up in between their talks as her phone alarm blared with the reminder. She had wanted to politely excuse herself from there.

"Who is Abeer?" She frowned, glancing at his mother.

"My son." Sitara replied and she could see the colour of her face fade. She visibly gasped and again looked at Sitara, but this time with a more carping gaze from before and then turned back at her sister.

"You got my Rehaan married to someone with a child already? I had sent you so many proposals of young girls from influential backgrounds who wouldn't think twice before considering you all." 

Sitara stood there out of respect but her blood had been seething at the constant blows she was making out of her and her character in her presence. 

"So? Even Rehaan has a daughter. It's not that deep, Nadia. Let it go." Mrs. Azhar had tried to lighten her up but the woman was beyond furious.

-

"Eat something?" She watched one of his cousin stuff her plate with another naan as she was already struggling with finishing that hoard of pulao served to her.

"I will explode." Sitara chuckled, reaching out for the glass of water and looked at her face break into a small smile.

"How did you and bhai meet? I honestly never expected him to consider a second marriage after Aira bhabhi's passing." Her tone grew mellow and downhearted as she came at his wife.

"We met for a couple of times." Sitara politely smiled, not wanting to get into the details of their dynamics with his family to add onto the complexities of how they all already perceived her.

"Sitara?" A familiar deep voice echoed in the dining room, making her shift her gaze towards it. Her heart churned in an outlandish way as she could realise that this was first time he had taken her name.

"The kids are looking for you." He was still dressed in his navy blue collared polo and off white pants from his golf session and his hair seemed more tousled than usual as he stood there, looking at the both of them talking.

"You could've just said you wanted bhabhi to yourself. I wouldn't have judged but these excuses?" Inaya laughed, glancing at him rolling his eyes at her.

Sitara swiftly got up from her chair, not wanting to stay there for another second. The air was awkward and she could sense his discomfort.

"I don't want you discussing my personal life like that with everyone." His brown eyes darkened when they were near the stairs, away from the guests.

"I didn't? It was Inaya who was asking." Sitara replied, seeming visibly irritated as his troubled gaze found a way into hers, projecting rage.

"I don't care about what you do and what you don't. Just keep Aira's name away from your sordid tongue." 

Her blood ran cold as she gazed into his expressions that were seething in hurt and wrath and he looked at her. There was so much anger in his eyes that at one point, she could feel that he wanted to kill her.

She didn't know how or why was he assuming things or doubting her intentions but she was very much hurt by the words he had picked to describe her. That was when she had realised what he actually thought of her.