Era of Madness

The mistakes you can't fix 4

"I think everything started when I was thirteen. You see, from where I come from, it's more common to be attracted to the same genre than to the other. In addition, it's authorized to give birth via special technology, so there's really no reason for any man and woman to marry if they don't want to. Nonetheless, I'm born in a pretty traditional family, who firmly believed a love relationship, of any kind, should be between a man and a woman only. They could tolerate it for their coworkers, and even a good part of their friends, but I knew it wouldn't be the same for their own child.

At that time, despite my parents best effort, I had just discovered that like the majority of the population, I was attracted to men. When I was fourteen, I had my first boyfriend, and we got along really well. At the start of our relationship, I was really hesitating to tell my parents about it: how would they react? I still decided to tell them anyway at my birthday party, but... When it came, and I saw that my parents had bought me the adorable little dog I always wanted, and when I saw their smiles, I couldn't bring myself to do that. I... It's stupid, I know, but I couldn't. After that, I kept seeing my boyfriend in secret all while taking care of my dog, Dary. I thought I could just maintain it like it forever... or maybe, I don't know, until I found the courage to tell them, I don't perfectly remember, honestly.

Anyway, you probably guessed it, but one day, they discovered everything. I still remember clearly the disappointement in their eyes. Back then, I thought it was just because they discovered I was homosexual but now, I think it was mainly because they realized that I didn't even trust them enough to tell them. I'm not sure, but I can't blame them anyway, it was pretty much on me. After this, as if the world decided to punish me, my boyfriend left me. He was already on edge because he had to continuously walk on eggshells and avoid my parents but when it came out and my parents yelled at him the next time he tried meeting me, he snapped and eventually broke up.

Funnily, but now I can't even remember his name even when I try, so it really just was a short story. But once again, back then, between my parents giving me the cold shoulder, my boyfriend leaving me, and my exams approaching, I was really, really at the edge. I didn't have much friends, so the only one I could rely on was my shiba inu, Dary. This little dog was really like a little brother for me, he was so adorable, and no matter how big he grew, he always kept craving for hug...

But one day, I came back, and he wasn't moving. At first, I thought he was asleep, but when I came closer to pet him, he... he was cold. I'll always remember that cold: in surface, it's the same as the one you feel when you touch anything slightly cold, but the dread when you realize what it means, that you'll never have the occasion to spend time with the person or the animal... The cold you also feel in your own flesh and bones... even when it's just a dog, it's beyond horrific.

I couldn't accept that he died like this, so sson, when he was barely a few years old with no health problems. I immediately called the vet, verified if he was breathing, and gave him chest compressions - as wel as I could for a dog - but it was no use and, a few hours later, I ended up burying him in the garden. After that, each time I was in it, my heart bled whenever I saw this small patch of garden where grass wouldn't grow back well. But it wasn't near as bad as the period following his death, I was really at my lowest point.

Fortunately, after Dary's death, my parents stopped giving me the cold shoulders. They never explicitly said that they accepted me, I don't know if it was by principle or because they really couldn't and forced themselves to ignore their feeling out of parental love, but we all started over like before, and they manage to console me so I could get past Dary's death. Finally, I managed to get back up and succeed my exams, thanks to a few sleepless nights and a lot of coffee.

But there is one thing my mother said when we had to bury my dog, that marked me more than the rest. She was a writer, and thus she occasionnally spoke in a poetic or philosiphical way out of nowhere, half of the time to joke. That day, I think it was during a sunny day, she said this: 'in a world where sciences can explain even the gods, death is the only variable that can't be included in the equation no matter how much we learn about it. In this world, death, ours or another's, can never be anticipated, and thus, instead of feeling guilt, we should make sure to preserve our will to overcome the sadness'.