Changing My Life [Book 1]

Chapter 12

Tony's POV

I really screwed up this time.

After pulling away from kiss, it took about five minutes for Steve's vitals to return to normal.

It took about five more minutes for things to get completely awkward with my hands resting on Steve's thighs and my body still positioned between his legs.

"Um-"

"I'm sorry," he rushed out in a harsh whisper, "I shouldn't have asked you to do that."

"I-uh- It's okay. It worked, right?"

"Yeah, I guess."

We were silent for another moment and I stood up. He looked up at me as I leaned on a table across from where he sat.

"So, uh, does this mean that kiss made you happy?" I asked awkwardly scratching my neck.

I didn't know how I felt about the kiss. It felt familiar. It felt... Exhilarating.

"Yeah. You, um, you probably don't remember but you kind of kissed me when you were drunk last night," he said quietly.

My heart nearly leaped out of my chest. I kissed Steve? Is that how I ended up in his bed this morning?

"Um, yeah. About that-"

"I understand. It didn't mean anything," Steve answered quickly, meeting my eyes. His normal electrifying blue eyes looked so dull and tired.

"I can't remember anything," I said helplessly. Steve sighed.

"You were telling me how you didn't like me being with Ace. When I asked why, you kissed me."

Shit.

Shit, shit, shit.

What am I doing? I'm playing with Steve's emotions just like Bruce said I would.

What's wrong with me?

"I'm sorry," I whispered.

"It's okay. You wouldn't go to bed and asked if you could sleep with me. That's why you were in my bed this morning," he finished sadly.

My chest tightened at his pained look. I decided to say the one thing that might make him feel better.

Or worse.

It's worth a shot.

"I think about you when I have my anxiety attacks," I whispered in the deathly quiet room.

His head snapped up to look at me with his eyebrows furrowed.

"You do?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"I don't know but the thought of you always calms me down," I replied truthfully. I never thought anything of the fact until now.

Steve is the only one that can keep me grounded.

"What happens?" He asked curiously.

"What do you mean?"

"What happens when you have an anxiety attack?"

I stared at him. I didn't mean to but no one had ever cared enough to ask me that before.

Not even Pepper knew what happened.

"Well," I started and scooted back on the table so I was sitting on top of it, "first, all I see is black."

"Then, I feel like I'm suffocating. Like, all the air is being sucked from my lungs and I'm left to die in a tin can of a suit."

"What do you see? Are they flashbacks like mine?" Steve asked curiously. He was leaning forward in his chair with his elbows on his knees and head resting on his hands.

"More like visions. I saw you die one to many times," I said noticing how his breath hitched. I continued.

"Before Ultron, I saw you die. I saw everyone die. Clint had his own arrows stabbed through his chest, Pietro's body was filled with bullets, Bruce was sedated and poisoned, Thor was decapitated, Natasha and Wanda were hanged."

I paused to inhaled deeply, willing myself to go on without slipping into that nightmare again. I felt Steve's hand on my knee and I exhaled.

"You were bleeding out but still alive. When I checked your pulse, you clutched the front of my shirt and asked why I didn't do more. Why I didn't save you," I said and squeezed my eyes shut, breathing deeply.

"I'm so sorry," I heard Steve whisper.

I laughed sadly. It was a pitiful sound.

"That wasn't even the worst part. The worst part about seeing all my friends dead- was that I wasn't."

"Oh, Tony."

"I killed you guys and got away alive," I clenched my jaw in anger. "I wasn't good enough. I knew I needed help."

"That's why you created Ultron last year," Steve said putting the pieces together.

I nodded then shook my head. I tried to save my friends by creating another artificial intelligence program only to almost kill them with it.

"I never knew," Steve said quietly.

Of course he didn't.

No one did.

They all thought I was crazy for creating Ultron to make the world a better place.

Peace in our time.

Steve's stood up from his chair and pulled me into an unexpected hug. My body stiffened at the sudden affection but slowly melted into his touch.

After a while, Steve pulled back and looked me directly in the eye.

"Tony? What are we?"

My heart plummeted at the question because I didn't know how to answer it. I'm still not sure if I like Steve or if I just hate Ace. Then why was I jealous?

Plus, I've never dated a guy before. Wouldn't that be weird? Oh my gosh, what would I tell Pepper?

'I'm breaking up with you because he's a better kisser than you,' I thought sarcastically.

No.

I can't date Steve.

I kissed him once because I was drunk and twice so he wouldn't die in my lab chair. That's the only reason, right?

"Tony?" Steve asked warily.

"We're just friends," I said a little too quickly.

He looked taken aback and physically backed away from me. Pain flashed through his eyes before in quickly changed into a fake smile.

"Right,"" he whispered.

"I mean. I have Pepper and you have Ace-"

"I understand," he said cutting me off.

I opened my mouth to say something else but decided against it. He made his way to the door as I whispered an apology.

"Bye, Tony." He said turning around to give me a sad smile and I swear that hurt more than any insult.

***A/N***

Update already? Yess!

I'm going to be busy this weekend so I decided to update today :)

How'd you like it? xD

Thanks so much for reads/ comments/ and votes! I say it all the time but I really mean it- Thank You!

Enjoy your weekend!

Byee!