Once a Gang leader Always a Gang leader

5

Aria

I sit on the floor of the hotel room with my legs spread out and my back against the couch, holding a book called 'expect the unexpected for expecting mothers.' I pout slightly staring at it, and groan loudly throwing my head back, I don't want to read this. Dr. Roth kept saying it's a great book but it's boring, I read one sentence and almost feel asleep. I mean I don't think my mom ever read these books when she was pregnant with me. Well I didn't turn out great but- yeah, I didn't turn out great maybe I should read this. I open the book to the first page, then close it instantly and throw it so it's out of reach, not today.

I look over at my phone when I hear it ding, and pick it up from the floor looking at the message. Do you want me to come over today? Or are you calming down?  Dr. Roth says through the message and I smile slightly. After she called me to tell me I was pregnant, a few hours later she called again to talk. She said I sounded a little scared and wanted to help me. At first I thought it was a little shady that she'd call me because doctors don't usually want to help you outside of their office. But then I thought it was paranoia from being a gang leader and she cleared it up a little because she told me she got my phone number from the papers I signed, and she wants to help me because she knows how it feels to be in your early twenties in a foreign country and pregnant. She went abroad for college and got drunk giving her a baby at 22 years old, she's 29 now.

I'm okay, thank you. I text back and throw my phone behind me on the couch, grabbing the remote and turn on the tv, flipping through channels. I sigh as I go through my second round of channel flipping and set the remote down. I look down at my stomach and rest my hand on top as gently and slowly as I can. Baby's don't have ears at this time right? But I mean I can still talk to her- or him. It sounds weird, doesn't it? I couldn't even talk to my sister or brother when they were newborns because I though it was weird they couldn't talk back- then again I was 7. I bite my lip slightly and feel my cheeks heat up slightly, I get fucking embarrassed over the smallest thing. What do I even say to a baby- how's the weather in there?

"... I'm sorry." Is the first thing I say to my child, I sigh softly rubbing my stomach as gently as  I can. "You got the crazy, stupid, dramatic, ex- gang leader as a mom. You're not going to know who your grandparents are, your aunt and uncle- it's just a big mess. But your dad's not that bad, he's the one that kinda brought me back to sanity, even though he also caused insanity... You know girls are suppose to look like their father because it has some thing to do about the father not abandoning the girl in old times. But anyway if you're a boy I'll love you the same way. No matter what, I hope you turn out like your dad. He's an idiot but he's calm, reasonable- while I'm just a hot head... I promise, I will protect you with all I can. You won't kill anyone, torture, or see anything I saw. I'll make sure you grow up the way you want to with out being in a gang. I don't want you to end up how I did. I want a better life for you. I promise that I will show you everything I can, tell you about all things I use to do with my family in the short time I had with them. I promise you will grow up with a loving mother and father. I promise I will protect you... I promise." I sigh softly and look around, keeping a hand on my stomach.

I look over to the door when I hear a knock and push myself up using the couch. Maybe I should on pants... I look down at my oversized and stained shirt, then shrug my shoulders and walk across the cold floor with bare feet to the door. I push a few stands of my hair out of my face, letting it hang down over my shoulders. I look through the small peephole, getting on my tippy toes and scrunch my eyebrows together when I just the back of a head looking down. I unlock the door and open it to find Xander.

"Xander!" I exclaim and throw my arms over his shoulders burying my face in his neck. "I thought you weren't coming back for another two days." I smile and pull my face out resting my chin on his shoulder, hugging him tighter. I scrunch my eyebrows in confusion when he doesn't hug back and step back, keeping my hands on his arms. "Are you okay? What's wrong?" I ask and he looks up at me with red eyes filled with tears.