Once a Gang leader Always a Gang leader

20

Sometimes I wonder why I'm still alive. Why hasn't anyone killed me? Why haven't I done it myself? I sit on my couch hunched over, running my fingers over the first gun my father gave me. It was after the first full on threat I experienced of someone almost killing me and my parents at the age of 9. I hear a faint sound of running water turn on as Xander brushes his teeth. I let him stay at my house sometimes; I'm still conflicted over my feeling because of the trauma I've been through with him. I can't deny that I love him but I can't deny that I'm scared of starting something again. I begin passing the gun between my two hands feeling its weight, it's lighter than the guns I use today. I always keep this one fully loaded but it's never been used since my family died. I know what it's like to get shot but I wonder what it'll feel like if I get shot through the head. Will I feel the bullet as it burst through my skull? Will it be painful before I die? Will I feel nothing? I take off the safety and place my finger over the trigger. I freeze when I hear a knock on the door. I put the safety back on, setting it down on the table as I pick up another gun. I stand up and place it in the back of my belt as I walk towards the door.

"Who is it?" I hear Xander ask behind me and I glance back seeing him in nothing but boxers. Shrugging my shoulders in response, I look through the peephole of the door and step back in shock. "Who is it?" I hear Xander ask again as he walks towards me. I unlock the door and pull it open to reveal Max and Marissa. 

"What do you need?" I ask them straightforwardly, mentally sighing in relief as I see Marissa's fully healed body.

"First of all it's-" Marissa starts out in her usually positive tone but I cut her off.

"Tell me what you need." I say firmly.

"We want to come back." Max interjects and I stare at them back and fourth. There's a long moment of silence before I begin speak.

"No." I slam the door and turn around, walking back to the couch. I hear the door open again and I turn around to see Xander letting them in and I open my mouth to speak.

"Hear them out." He simply says as he closes the door. Why is he always the voice of fucking reason?

"Talk." I say, glancing at them before turning around, grabbing the gun I left on the table, and walking towards the window, setting it on a small table next to me so it's away from them.

"I know we left on bad terms but you have to understand where Max was coming from when he said we were leaving." Marissa starts out. "I was hurt and he was worried. But after I healed and we had a break we both agreed we want to come back... Aria, we've missed you. And we feel awful for leaving you please let's just put it all behind us."

"No." I say after taking a few moments to think.

"I know I made a mistake but you would've done the same if it was Xander." Max speaks up, "Marissa was near death and I wanted her safe." I turn my head to look at Xander, to see his eyes watching me closely.

"No. If it was Xander I would've gone after the bastard who did it to him. I understand why you left and that's the very reason I won't let you back into the gang. Find a better life for yourselves and give your future family a secure life... I'm not going to be the one to blame if anything happens to either of you. You knew the risks when you joined the first time, yet you still blamed me for what others did. Did I hurt Marissa? Did I put her in a hospital? I tried to save her. " I turn around to look at Max and he looks down.

"Aria, we came back because you're a part of our family. I know you're thinking about what will happen if we have children but we want to come back." Marissa speaks again.

"Why?" Xander asks as he walks to stand next to me. 

"I don't know." Marissa says softly, shying away.

"Because you always come back to family." Max stares me in the eyes with full confidence.

"You never abandon family either." I say and his shoulders slump down. "... I accept. You can come back but I need you to remember what it means to be part of my gang. You will start from the bottom again and work your way up because it won't be fair to others. But if this happens again you won't be welcomed back." I say as I walk to the door.

"Thank you!" Marissa yells excitedly and runs up to me hugging me from behind, causing me to smile slightly. She let's go and I open the door for the both of them.

"I'll contact you." I say as Marissa nods her head smiling and Max walks towards the door. Marissa heads out first, giving me a another smile.

"I promise I won't let you down... Thank you." Max says as he looks at the floor and I grab his shoulder, pulling him in for a side hug before sending him out. I close the door and I look over at Xander to see him smiling. He walks over to me and grabs my hands pulling in me for a hug, but I flinch back. He looks hurt before leaning in to kiss my forehead and squeeze my eyes tightly trying not to recoil back. 

"Aria, what's going on?" He asks as I feel nothing on my head and open my eyes slowly to look up at him.

"I... I don't know, I just- I can't-" I take a deep breathe. What's wrong with me now? I look down for a moment. Xander is right here willing to love, nothing's in our way, why am I still scared? "I don't want to start a relationship. I don't want to have the constant fear that you'll be taken away from me again. Or you actually realize that you don't love me and just leave, I'm sorry, I know-"

"I spent every night awake thinking of you. I spent every moment worried about you. When I heard you were back here, back in the gang my first instinct was to see you." He says placing a finger under my chin to lift it up. "I couldn't eat. I couldn't function, all I wanted was you. The first time I saw you again I just wanted you in my arms. It took everything in me to stay away because I wanted you safe. But everything hurt without you. I don't want you to believe you went through all the pain alone because it hurt me just as much. When I saw you got shot, when I saw you on the floor bleeding, when I saw you in the hospital bed-" He stops for a moment and I stare in his eyes to see them becoming red and watery. I wrap my arms around his waist slowly and he holds onto me tightly while burying his face in my hair. "You don't know how much pain I was in. And when we lost- when we lost our son I was destroyed. The only reason I got out of bed was because I knew you needed me. Whenever I was with you while the pain was never completely gone it went away for a few moments." I hear him sniffle quietly and I feel tears well up in me eyes.

"Xander, I-" I speak softly but he continues.

"I understand you're scared. But I need you to understand that I love you with all my heart. I never wanted to leave you and I never want to leave you again. Please just give me a chance to love you again, properly and fully. I'm nothing without you, Aria, please don't tell me that you can't be with me. Everyday I was scared you'd find someone else, someone better than me who didn't break your heart. I can't be with out you. Please, Aria, I love you." He barely whispers the last part as I feel my hair getting wet from tears.

I pull away slightly and he pulls his head back to reveal his wet face with tears still running down, red eyes, and slightly wet nose. I reach up and wipe his cheeks as best as I can, causing him to laugh slightly. I wipe his mouth of tears before, softly running my hands into his hair. I pull his head down as I lean up, pressing my lips against his, for a long and slow passionate kiss. I pull away and rest his forehead to mine. "I love you too."