Fly High, Burn Bright

Chapter 10

My whole body was shaking uncontrollably, and quick gasps left my mouth as I fought for breath. Almost immediately, Keigo was awake beside me, pulling me up so that my face wasn't buried in his chest, but rather, leveled with his. He rubbed soothing circles into my back, but made sure to stay a little farther away from me - he knew I needed space to breathe. Once the suffocating feeling that I was being crushed eased off a little, and I was able to actually inhale, I hid my face in the crook of Keigo's neck, squeezing my eyes shut. Maybe if I force it away hard enough, that cursed memory will leave.

It didn't. No matter how hard I tried to keep my mind blank, to keep the images away, they just kept coming back, flashing behind my eyes and pressing down on me again, but this time, I tried to fight back. No. It's all in the past. It's gone now. Tears started to leak from my eyes, and I cursed myself for being so weak. Get over it. That was ten years ago. Grow up already. I pulled Keigo even closer to me, pushing myself into him to hide from the pain. It still hurt me so much whenever I thought of that day, and the nightmares didn't make it any better.

"Did it happen again?" Keigo asked, still rubbing slow circles over my back, one hand gently playing with my hair, and I nodded against him. He didn't need to ask what it was, he already knew. He was there, too. It hadn't left him as traumatized as me, but he felt the pain, too. If he hadn't been there with me, I would've died, too. I would've rushed in, like the idiot I was, and gotten myself killed. Maybe I should've pushed him away and tried to help her, I thought to myself, swallowing back the tightening ball that formed in my throat. 

No. I can't go back to how I was before. I need to move on. I took another shuddering breath before forcing myself to calm down, trying to pull away from Keigo, but his embrace around me only got more firm. I squirmed slightly, knowing it must be uncomfortable for him to be always comforting me, but I gave up on the struggle, choosing to melt into his arms instead. He whispered sweet nothings into my ear, promises of a brighter future, saying he'd always be by my side, and I felt the tears slowly dry. I was grateful - so very grateful - that he was still here, beside me after all these years. 

"Do you want to talk about it?" Keigo's voice was soft and comforting as he asked me, looking down into my now-drying eyes. I shook my head and he gave me a peaceful smile, pressing a kiss against my forehead instead. "That's alright. Just rest, alright? It's in the past now." 

I nodded against his neck, trying to return into our previous sleeping position - it was still the middle of the night, and I already felt bad enough that I'd accidentally woken Keigo up. I didn't want him to lose a night of sleep because of me. The minutes seemed to drag by, and I felt Keigo's grip on me relax a little, his breathing slowing as he fell asleep. My eyes stung, but I tried to close them anyway, only for the horrors of that day to return back into my mind, and I shrank into myself a little in a pathetic attempt to shy away from the pain of the memory. I was exhausted, but I knew if I tried to sleep, then the nightmare would just come back.

Despite the fact that it was summer, and Keigo was wrapped around me, acting as a personal heater, I shivered slightly. If getting sleep meant I had to experience that hell again, I'd rather be exhausted tomorrow. I tried to clear my mind completely, leaving it a blank canvas, but it crept into my mind like an overpowering darkness that I could never run from. I'm past it, I told myself. Like hell you are, my rational side sneered back, and I held back a groan of defeat. No matter how hard I tried to stop thinking about it, the day just kept coming back to me

It's not like I'd been close with my sister - the age gap was too big, and we didn't even have the same mothers. My father had her from his first marriage, and she rarely had the chance to visit us. Still, whenever she did, I'd get excited. I had always looked up to her, with her perfect grades and good personality, and tried to be like her whenever I could. She'd been a pro hero, just like I was now, and although I always told myself that I'd become one so that I could stay by Keigo's side, I knew she'd been an influence of my choice, too. I admired everything about her, from how smart she was to how chivalrous she acted, even when dealing with villains, which is why it hurt so damn bad when that same honor of hers had gotten her killed.

It was my fault, really. I'd dragged Keigo through our neighborhood's alleys with me because I wanted to show him a new trick I'd learned to do with my quirk - I'd learned how to completely alter a setting, and wanted to demonstrate it in a place we'd never gone to before to make it a little more challenging for myself. Looking back, the trick was pretty simple, but as an eleven-year-old, it seemed like a massive accomplishment. Little did I know, the alley was used as a passage of sorts to a villain's hideout, and I'd brought Keigo and myself straight into danger. It was by pure luck that she'd been there to save us.

Maybe she'd seen us walking there, but before I knew it, she'd grabbed me and Keigo by our collars and dragged us away, preparing a long lecture, but never got to start it - something had startled her, and she told us to run home and not look back, but being the stupidly brave kid I was, I'd ignored her. Keigo and I had watched from afar as she ran back to the alley we'd been in earlier, following after her and ducking behind one of the walls. Her quirk was similar to my own, so even as the fight began,  the villain attacking ruthlessly and not giving her a chance to focus, I knew she had the short end of the stick. Even then, as her life was in danger, she refused to fight dirty. She didn't hurt the villain unless she absolutely needed to, and instead, tried to restrain him.

The whole time, I'd wanted to jump out and help her, but Keigo's firm grip on my arm had held me back. All we could do was watch from our hiding spot as the villain slowly began to overpower her, until she'd been thrown into the ground by that strange force, her body and mind both broken by now. Young me couldn't even look away as she was tortured to her death right before my eyes, and even as she'd locked eyes with me and told me to run, it had taken Keigo using all of his strength to keep me from jumping out and trying to take on the villain myself, and although I'd known that there was no way a child like me could've beaten that villain, I hadn't cared. When her limbs were cut from her body and her head rolled to the ground, all I could do was stare in horror. I'd mildly registered her screams then, but now, they'd come to haunt me every other night.

It was on that day that I'd realized just how pathetically weak I was, and how merciless the world could be. It didn't matter that she was a hero. She still died, and that villain walked free. They never even caught the villain. At that moment, I'd wanted to hurt the villain. I'd wanted to cut into their skin, the same way they had done with my sister, and carve threats into their body. I'd wanted them to feel the same pain she felt, and the pain that her death had brought me. I'd wanted to punish the villain for everything they'd ever done. It was that exact moment that had changed me forever. I'd briefly seen the villain's face - they'd never even been caught. The joy and hope that had fueled me before was replaced by anger and the desire to punish anyone who wronged me, anyone who wronged anyone else. 

When Keigo managed to bring me home, we'd both broken down, but after her funeral, Keigo managed to move on. I didn't. I spent more time practicing my quirk than before until I realized just how weak it was. Then, I'd decided to learn how to use weapons. My parents had watched in terror as I taught myself how to use any blade I could find, perfecting my mastery faster than should be possible. 

"Come back to us, Kira," they'd said. "We miss you - the real you. Not the angry shell that's left."  I'd laughed at them. I gave up on trying to be courteous as she'd been - it was what had gotten her killed in the end. I fought however I needed to. When U.A. accepted me into the hero course, my teachers had watched as I'd forged through every challenge they'd given me with ruthless determination. When I graduated, my first fight with a villain was short and merciless, and only because of how harshly the agency had reprimanded me did I make an attempt to be less violent. 

Maybe if I hadn't been so stupid as a kid, I wouldn't be so heartless now, I thought to myself. By the time the sun started to rise, I was even more exhausted than before.