Fly High, Burn Bright

Chapter 37

I squeezed my eyes shut, immediately regretting the decision, but decided to give in to the temptation. I almost dropped my phone in relief as I looked down at the screen and didn't see a single video that had anything to do with me among the top three trending videos. Maybe it blew over. Maybe it wasn't that bad, and I'm just overthinking this. My happiness, however, was short-lived, and the smile dropped as soon as I scrolled a little further down and saw a video of my fight with Dabi just below the top recommendations. I groaned inwardly but pressed on it, once again watching that stupid fight. 

I couldn't help but notice how high the quality of the video was - had it been recorded by professionals? With every passing second, I cringed inwardly, desperately wanting to look away but for some reason, I just couldn't. It was like I was captivated by the whole thing, and I couldn't peel my eyes away from the screen. The angle changed slightly, revealing my face to the rest of the viewers, and I froze in place. I had a twisted smile paired with a raging expression, and I  was staring Dabi down like I was a starving wolf and he was the last doe on Earth. My eyes were gleaming with that reckless anger, my blades begging to dig into the villain with every single move. That wasn't the face of a hero. No hero enjoyed fighting and torturing their enemy that much. That was the face of a cold-blooded tormentor.

This time, I didn't even need the comments to tell me I was a monster. I already knew. But surely, it could be justified, right? That expression wasn't a desire to kill. It was the passion to make the world better by eliminating those that hurt others, so I wasn't all bad, right? With shaking fingers, I scrolled to the comments - sure enough, the usual hate flooded in, shaming me for every strike, but also scolding me for those weak moments where I drew back. It wasn't fair. I was dong my job. I was protecting innocent people. Who gave a crap if I had to do it by hurting villains? They deserved the pain. They deserved every last bit of it. They didn't deserve my mercy.

Who am I kidding? I squeezed my eyes shut and slid to the floor of the kitchen, my back pressed against the counter. This is why I ended up like this in the first place. I can't keep doing this. I need to learn to control myself. Every rational thought in my head screamed at me for this - was I really going to change myself and become pathetically weak and compassionate with a bunch of villains just because it would make people I've never even met be happier? Was I really going to make the same mistake as my sister did all those years ago and become a frail mess that didn't fight at full strength against even the worst of villains because of some stupid sympathy? 

No. I wouldn't allow it. No matter what, I'd push through. I'd remain strong. I'd put my heart and soul into every single fight, and I'd keep fighting until the last of evildoers was either locked away or dead and gone. I'd push the weak side away, and I'd do everything in my power to rid the world of bad people, even if it meant I'd end up getting hated for it by every single person to walk this planet. I'd fight with strength and power, and I'd fight until there wasn't any opponent left. Their words can't hurt me, I told myself as my eyes skimmed over the never-ending lines of hate all directed to me. As long as I have my goal clear ahead of me, and as long as I have Keigo, nothing can hurt me.

I finally managed to peek my eyes away from the screen, focusing instead on the cold tiled floor of the kitchen. That's right, I chided myself. I don't need their approval. I'm not some little school girl begging for praise. I didn't become a pro hero because I wanted the acceptance of the public. I became a pro hero because I wanted to stay by Keigo's side, and because I wanted to make the world better. I steeled my nerves and tried to push away every last bit of doubt I had. It didn't matter what they saw me as. I knew that I was doing my best, and that was enough, but the lingering jeers of the crowds still bore down on me. 

A single tear slipped from my left eye, and I quickly wiped it away with the back of my hand. I couldn't let these tears fall. I couldn't be weak like that. I couldn't let the petty remarks of those idiots get to me. I jumped to my feet, cursing myself for falling for Dabi's provocations, but when the next  video came onto my recommended section, it was like my hands moved on their own, pressing on it before I could even stop myself. Just one more video surely couldn't hurt me, right? Especially if it's an interview with Keigo instead of myself, right? Even just seeing him on the screen seemed to help me relax a little. His voice alone brought me comfort, and I watched with content as he jabbered on to the reporter about one of his recent missions.

He'd been so busy lately that even though we lived together, Keigo and I barely had time to spend with one another. He was always rushing off to some important mission, or he had a late meeting with the agency, and it had been a while since we'd actually spent a whole day together. I sighed and finished my coffee, knowing I'd probably regret drinking so much of it today, but my attention snapped back to the video when I heard the reporter mention my hero name.

"-have heard rumors that you are planning to end your partnership with the pro hero Vizion. Would you be able to give us further information on this topic?" The reporter shoved their microphone straight to Keigo, and I felt my heart beat faster. I haven't heard of this. Why haven't I heard of this? We've been working as partners since the day I joined the agency. Sure, we hadn't done a mission together in a few weeks, but we were still registered as partners. Did Keigo know about this? He couldn't have. He would've told me if he did, I was sure of it. I froze in place, anxiously waiting for Keigo's response.

"No comment," was all he said, and I felt myself curl into myself. That's it? Nothing else? He wouldn't try to defend me, or say that it was a misunderstanding? Had I done something wrong? Was he really considering ending our partnership? With every second, a small fraction of me seemed to die, and my heart ached. He couldn't have meant it. He couldn't have looked that reporter dead in the eye and said that he didn't even have an opinion on the matter. I was his partner, his lover, his best friend, for fuck's sake, and he didn't even tell me about something as important as this, even if it was just a rumor.

No, I tried to tell myself. He must have his reasons. He was probably just trying to protect me. He knew that if I heard about it, I'd get upset, so he was just trying to shield me from it. It was such a ridiculous thought, I almost laughed. It shouldn't matter if he thought I'd be hurt by it or not. I deserved to know about it, even if it was just rumors. Keigo should've been the one who told me about it. I shouldn't have found out about it because of Dabi's provocations. He was trying to make sure I didn't get hurt for no reason, I argued back weakly, but it was pointless. I faintly registered the fact that the video was still playing, and I quickly turned it off, leaving it in the kitchen as I walked back to the living room to gather the items I'd left on the couch earlier.

I wouldn't bring up the rumor to Keigo, and I wouldn't talk about how he didn't even try to disagree with the reporter. Unless Keigo would start that conversation, I wouldn't make any indication that I knew about the rumors. I would stay silent, and I'd only speak to him if he talked to me directly. I was probably overreacting - it was just a stupid interview with the idiotic press, after all - but it felt as if Keigo didn't even care about where I stood in the situation. I grabbed my belt of knives and the notebook I'd bought and stormed into the bedroom, hiding the blades in their usual place before grabbing a pen and sitting down at the desk. 

I flipped open the notebook and skipped the first few pages, leaving them blank, and got to work on writing down every little detail that I'd learned about Dabi and the League of Villains.