Fly High, Burn Bright

Chapter 73

After hours of sparring with Dabi to the point that we were both exhausted and could barely drag ourselves to the shower to wash off the sweat, I turned to the archives of the base to spend yet another evening of poring over every single detail that I could find. It had become a routine by now, to spend the day training with either Toga or Dabi and then waste the late hours away on the thousands of papers that flooded the cabinets. There were, of course, the occasional disturbances to this, like the periodic 'mission' to raid a store just for the sake of hearing the terrified shrieks and seeing the remorseful glares that we'd earn from anyone nearby.

This evening was even more boring than usual, and even after countless hours spent examining the papers, I didn't learn anything new about the heroes we would potentially be facing. Apparently, everyone that had worked at Hawks Agency decided to either retire and find a new job, or they moved to a different agency. The particular workplaces of the heroes hadn't been disclosed to the public, since they suspected the League was after a specific hero, and their choice was only underlined with the note that Hawks had reported. Now, if we were to deal with Endeavor Agency, we didn't know who the potential opponents would be - there were the typical heroes, of course, the ones that had always worked there, but there was also the chance that some of my ex-colleagues now worked there, too. 

 A frustrated groan left my lips as I collapsed onto one of the cushions that graced the empty archive's floor. The papers scattered around me, and I was faintly aware that I'd regret the mess later, but the thorough study was leaving me even more tired, especially considering the fact that the sparring session had taken so much energy out of me, and it didn't help that the past few days, I'd stayed up researching even longer than usual and was running on nothing more than a few cups of coffee and an average of three hours of sleep. How long had I been staring at those pages? By now, the words were swimming in front of my eyes and I was convinced that I had every single word memorized, though I didn't know when I'd ever need to know the exact age Kagami had first used her quirk to mirror three others at once. Perhaps all this studying was pointless - after all, I'd just have to go to Endeavor Agency and commit thousands more pages and layouts to memory, so I shouldn't focus too much on these, right?

Still, I couldn't shake the feeling that something was wrong, like I wasn't doing the right thing and that I needed to offer even more to the League. I was already working to better myself, and I was noticing that I was able to use my quirk on more people for longer time spans, and I was definitely getting stronger physically, but it didn't feel like enough. I needed to be as much of a benefit as possible, especially since my trump card of having inside information about Hawks Agency was now useless. I needed to keep researching the weak points, I needed to keep working, I needed to keep going and I needed to memorize every little detail, no matter how small it seems, because that's the only way I could earn my keep here at the League. There was also the fact that Shigaraki still seemed hesitant around me, and I refused to lower my banter with him, so I had to win his approval by working harder than anyone. I had to show that it was a good idea for him to let me join the League, but the dim lights of the archive were so comforting, and the cushion was so soft... Surely it wouldn't hurt to close my eyes for a bit right?

It was through a sleepy haze and heavy eyelids that I faintly saw a familiar figure with jet black hair and snow white roots push open the door of the archives, or maybe I was simply dreaming. I didn't exactly know. Then, I felt the comfortable feeling of arms wrapping around me in a carry that I'd already experienced several times. Ah, so it wasn't a dream. In my bleary state, I reached up with one hand to ruffle Dabi's hair, a smile stretching over my lips even though I knew I'd have to apologize to him about being a bother later. I thought I heard him grumble something about "you really need to take care of yourself", but then again, I was halfway to dreamland, so maybe not. I really needed to get the League some stronger coffee.

There was the quiet thump of his footsteps in the otherwise-quiet base, and then the creak of a door opening, and - oh. That must've been him entering my room, because the next thing I felt was his arms letting go of me and his touch was replaced by the embrace of the bed beneath me. He started to pull away, and the warmth started to leave with him, and the unwelcoming cold stood where his touch was mere moments ago. I tried to reach out again, but the need for sleep was really catching up to me - had I really been staying up so late these past few days that I couldn't even keep my eyes open just a little longer? My arm fell to the bed as the exhaustion threatened to completely take over, and though I'd hoped he would notice the movement, I could feel the warmth that he radiated get a little more faint.

I didn't want him to go, I didn't want him to leave me alone and cold and aching for his warmth, I didn't want him to disappear. Maybe it was the delirium of my mind being almost asleep, but I needed him to be by my side because what if maybe, just maybe, if he left, then he wouldn't come back? Then I'd be all alone, and I never wanted to be alone. If he left, then I'd have no one. My sister left. My parents left. Hell, even Hawks left, and I thought we would've been for forever. He couldn't leave. He couldn't leave me to be alone. I needed him to not walk through that door, I needed him to be by my side, I needed him to-

"Stay."

And I said that out loud. In my delusional, sleep-deprived state, I asked Dabi to stay, as if I needed any more embarrassment added to how he'd had to drag me from the archives. I'd probably regret mumbling the word later, but right now, I didn't care. All I cared about right now was the fact that suddenly, the cold was gone as if it had never been there, replaced by the familiar warmth that I'd grown to love, and the mattress dipped beside me. I must've somehow rolled over onto my side, because the next thing I felt was an arm wrapping around me and pulling me closer to the heat, and I smiled into the embrace.

He stayed. He chose to stay. It was late, he had his own perfectly comfortable room with a perfectly comfortable bed, but I asked him to stay and he stayed. He'd muttered something under his breath that I couldn't quite catch but could've been along the lines of "don't give me the wrong impression", but he'd stayed. He'd grumbled in complaint and rolled his eyes, but he'd stayed. I didn't know how long he planned to stay, or if he'd leave me eventually the same way that everyone else seemed to leave, but right now, he stayed, even if it was only because I asked him to. He was here, holding me close to him and giving me that beautiful warmth that made not only my body but my heart seem to flutter, and he didn't leave me. Not yet.

Soft breaths and gentle caresses were all I could register as my eyelids got heavier and heavier, and I almost wished I could stay awake for longer, just so that I could keep enjoying the comfort he gave me. A twisted part of me fought it all - who was I to take this comfort from him, to accept this gentleness when I already turned dark and horrid and into the monster that I feared I'd be, especially when we were both villains, nonetheless? We are villains, we killed and slaughtered, and we don't deserve this love and peace from one another, whispered that nonsense voice that still denied it all. Shut up. This makes me happy, and I deserve to be happy after all that hell, the rest of me snarled back, and I found myself instinctively curling even closer to Dabi, closer to the warmth and center of that serenity. It was like that, with him holding me as if I were fragile, that I felt myself finally embrace the deep calling of sleep.

And of course that's when the nightmares decided to return.