Fly High, Burn Bright

Chapter 39

Another week passed calmly. Keigo didn't bring up the rumors, so neither did I, and even though I'd been less than pleasant with him after finding out about them, Keigo didn't seem to notice. It was as if he was in his own little world by now, like he had a million things going on, and each one was thousands of times more important to him than I was, and I'd be lying if I said it didn't bother me. I put Keigo first. I always did. Even when we were kids, he was always my top priority, so I should be his, too, right? It only made sense, right? 

And yet, day after day went by, and it seemed like Keigo was drifting further away from me than he'd ever done before. We lived under the same roof, and shared the same small apartment, but it was as if we were worlds apart. Before, we'd been so much closer, but I still hadn't gathered the courage to look further into the rumors, so I was keeping my distance from him until I could understand where, exactly, I stood for him. The first day, it seemed foolish. I was sure that Keigo would notice that I'd kept to myself all day instead of being as open as usual with him, but when one day, and then another passed by without Keigo so much as saying a word about it, I realized just how one-sided our relationship had been lately.

I understood perfectly well that he and I were both heroes, and that we both had thousands of crushing responsibilities, but we'd always managed before. I'd stick up for him and help him out, and in return, Keigo would be the stable unwavering lighthouse in the middle of my storm. It'd been a mutual bond, where we brought out each other's best sides and made up for the weaknesses of the other. It's what made us such good partners when fighting. It had been like that since we were kids. We'd always know exactly what the other needed, be it comfort or a voice of reason, and I thought that it would be like that forever. I guess I was wrong.

Right now, I needed Keigo more than ever before. I needed him to reassure me, to tell me that everything between us was fine, to look me in the eye and to tell me that I was and always will be a hero. I needed Keigo to see the sleepless nights that happened more and more often because of those God-forsaken nightmares and because of the never-ending stream of thoughts that clouded around Dabi and the League. I needed Keigo to reach out to me and tell me that I was okay, and that I didn't need to worry about what others thought of me. I needed Keigo to just look at me, to hold me gently and melt away my worries the way he did every other time, but he didn't come.

For the first time since we were kids, he couldn't see just how much I needed him. I wanted to go to him, to ask him what was wrong because it wasn't like him to not notice those small details, but I didn't do it. I needed him to be the one that made the first move. I needed the reassurance that he still cared about me, that he still put me first above all else, but it never came. All I got was his half-hearted replies, and the realization that unless I spoke first, he only ever came to me to complain. Had it always been that way and I only noticed now, or had I done something wrong for it to change like that?

Dabi had called me for another meeting over the weekend. Coming up with an excuse as to why I was leaving the apartment at two in the morning on a Saturday without Keigo was much easier than I thought it would be - I told him I wanted to go for a walk to clear my head, and he hadn't even offered to come with. It made the job of disguising my real goal a lot easier, but it still hurt me that he didn't think I wanted him by my side. I'd left Keigo at 1:50 in the morning with my dagger hidden beneath a flannel, and he'd only given me a nod along with a quick kiss on the forehead that didn't even feel genuine anymore.

When I'd met up with Dabi, he'd raised an eyebrow and asked me what was wrong. I'd flipped him off and told him to mind his own business, to which he replied with a smug remark that I was his business. I'd responded with an elbow to his ribs, and for the next hour, we'd exchanged insults from my side and bad attempts at flirting from his, along with questions that we both did our best to answer as subtly as possible. By the time Dabi made his leave, I'd managed to learn that he'd joined the League to get revenge on Endeavor, but I didn't know why he had such a strong grudge against the pro hero, and I'd scraped together vague hints as to where the League's headquarters were located.

When Dabi had asked me if I wanted to join the League just before leaving, I'd pushed him to the railing of the roof and glared at him until he got the message and took his usual method of parting, which meant he hurled himself off the roof and used his quirk just in time to keep himself from splattering into bits against the concrete. Maybe he'd thought that seeing the rumors that spun around me and Keigo would make me break and encourage me to seek comfort in the League, but he was wrong. It would take more than just a rumor that Keigo didn't confirm to make me snap and drag me over to the League. 

Still, as the days dragged by, I only grew more paranoid. I was paranoid that Keigo didn't care about me anymore. That's stupid, I told myself. We've been best friends since we were children, we live together, and we're in a literal relationship. Of course he cares about me. But as I watched him, my gaze not clouded by love for the first time in years, I noticed just how rarely he actually turned to me. It seemed as if he only came to me if he needed something, be it a physical item or just someone to complain to, and although this had seemed perfectly normal to me before, I now realized he didn't return the affection. How long had it been since he last noticed my shaky breaths as we walked down the street, or that yet another nightmare had left me rattled and frozen in fear in the middle of the night?

And yet, Keigo was the least of my problems. I was paranoid that the crowds were right. I was worried that one day, I'd snap and lose my sense of reality and go crazy from that endless war going inside my head that screamed for revenge and mercy at the same time, and that I'd give in to the need of retribution and make every single person who ever hurt me pay for it. I was paranoid that maybe, just maybe, Dabi had a point when he said I was better suited for the League. After all, I was already hated by the public, so I could at least be feared by them, too, couldn't I? No, I'd scold myself. That's exactly what he wants, and I'm not about to play the game by his terms. Besides, I still have Keigo. He hasn't said he doesn't want me, so I won't leave his side.

The already long nights only got even more drawn out, and I forgot when the last time I'd gotten more than two hours of sleep was. My body felt in even worse shape than my mind - the constant glares and whispers as I got to and from work, the weird seesaw between me and Keigo, the never-ending thoughts racing through my mind as I tried to come up with a foolproof plan on how to either bring the League down or stop the hate addressed to me, and the damned meetings that Dabi started making more and more common were too much for me to take. It was a miracle that only today my body decided to pay the price of the exhaustion and simultaneous overstimulation from all of the caffeine that I'd drank in the past week.

I lay in bed, barely able to keep my eyes open, as a burning fever made my body shake with every breath. At least Keigo had paid attention to this. For the first time in what felt like eternity, he'd looked me right in the eye and told me there was no way in hell he'd let me go to work today, even though I insisted that all I needed was a cup of coffee and I'd be in top shape. He'd scolded me and gave me a lecture almost as bad as Niko's about how I needed to take better care of myself, and even said that he'd stay home today to take care of me, but after promising to him that I'd be fine on my own, I convinced Keigo that he didn't need to do that for me. With a sopping ice-cold towel draped over my forehead and my entire body shaking, I closed my eyes, not even trying to escape from the nightmares that came with my sleep.