Her heartbeat

❥ 5.

Scared

Anyways, it's all now over.

I just have to accept the fact, that my life is the way it is and probably for ever will be...

After being in the ice cream parlor for a long time, I got up and made my way home. I looked at my cell phone and had 10 past calls from my mother, shit she must have noticed that I wasn't in my room anymore.

Jap now I really don't want to go home.

———

"Where the hell have you been ? Have you looked at the time ?" my mother said just as i stepped on the doorstep. She was so mad, her face was red from the anger she had inside.
I looked at the time and it was already 12pm, well that was the longest time that I was out with a friend, in a very long time.

Good job Madellaine.

"Hello ?" My mother said, dragging me out of my thoughts.

"I was out." I said shrugging my shoulders.

"Yes, that's what I noticed, but what did I tell you, not to go out right? "

"Maybe" I said, really not in the mood to argue with her again. I was about to going up the stairs when she grabbed my arm.

"Listen to me, your disobedience is enough for me, I don't tolerate your attitude anymore, okay ?
Go up to your room now."

I just looked at her in disbelief, my attitude ? Pff what the fuck am I supposed to do, when my own mother is treating me like a fragile thing.

I just walked up the stairs, cuz I was very tired and also didn't feel that well.

I texted Izzy that I'm safe at home. She answered me a few minutes later.

Izzy: So what did your mom said, to being out that late ?

Madellaine: Let's put it this way, my heart rate wasn't the one that increased this time...

Izzy: Hahahaha shit, I feel sorry for you

Madellaine: Welp I'm living the same routine since 5 years, I'm slowly getting used to it.

Izzy: And what about next week, are you scared ?

And here is the subject that I try to avoid all the time. 

I really hoped that I would never have to experience the time in the hospital again, but it looks like fate is not kind to me. 

The truth is I'm scared, scared of all the machines, scared of what the doctors would tell me, scared of my parent's reaction after the doctors told me about my condition.

But  what I fear most is that I will never make it out there to achieve my dreams.
I want to travel, enjoy life, get to know someone who can experience everything with me, write books and encourage other people who are experiencing the same thing as me.

That's my biggest fear, but I won't tell her that, she shouldn't worry about that.
That's also the reason why I'm writing her exactly that

Madellaine: Nope, not scared at all. You know me Iz, I got this.

Yeah... I just wish it was true...

<3