Her heartbeat

❥ 40.

Diagnosis

I couldn't close my eyes the whole night. My head started to fill with thousands of negative thoughts again. Thoughts that haunted me for years and destroyed me inside. However, for weeks the thoughts have stopped. Since I've been with Myles and my life is going well again for the first time in years.

I was happy for a long time, happier than I have been in years. But now it feels like I'm drowning in my own thoughts again, and they would eat me alive.

I don't know what dr. Taylor said to my father, but I saw his look. I know that look. I've seen it too many times.
The first time I saw it was when I was diagnosed with Cardiac insufficiency, since then that look has never left my mind.

I'm scared. After a very long time I'm scared again. My life was so perfect. Everything was going the way I always dreamed but now... now everything will change again. I can feel it clearly.

A soft knock woke me from my thoughts. "Mady ?" My mother.

What ? We already had morning ?? I looked at my alarm clock and it was actually already 8am. I really was awake all night.

My mother slowly came in with my dad behind her. "You are already awake ?" She asked. "Yeah, I couldn't sleep", I replied and rubbed my eye. Both looked down sadly.

"Come on honey. Go get dressed so we can leave." I nodded and walked towards the bathroom that was connected to my room. However, before I got to the bathroom my mother called me. I looked at the two and waited until they spoke.

"Listen baby, whatever she's about to say to us, you should know that you have us and everything will be okay. We will never leave you alone, okay ?" My mother said while holding my hands tightly. My father was next to her and gave me a kiss on my head. "We're gonna get through this." He said.

I tried very hard not to cry, they were already broken and I didn't want them to see me weak and break them even more. I looked at them with a smile and nodded and disappeared into the bathroom before I collapsed inside.

———

I don't live far from the doctor's office, but the car ride still felt like an eternity. The whole trip I only thought about one question: what if ?

What if my heart is too weak ?

What if I have to have surgery again?

What if I die ?

It's killing me. This illness is killing me, not physically but mentally.

———

While we sit in the waiting room and wait until we are called, I can't sit still. My knee jumps up and down all the time because of nervousness and it's also so freaking hot in here.
My parents notice how I'm feeling and try to comfort me.

After 20 minutes of agonizing waiting, dr. Taylor called us into her office.
I'm sitting in the middle, my mom on the right of me, my dad on the left and dr. Taylor across from us.

She looked at me with a weak smile, "I'm sorry I took you by surprise with my call yesterday but it was urgent." She started.

"Madellaine," she simply said and looked at me seriously. "Your blood test results are back... I'm sorry but I don't have good news Madellaine."

She was silent for a moment, took a breath and spoke again. "It looks like your heart is deteriorating day by day. Your body no longer produces enough blood to pump to your heart. Your body is weak Madellaine. I've talked to a lot of doctors and we tried to find a solution, but to no avail, there is no cure for you. I'm so sorry Madellaine."

Silence.

Big, terrible silence.

"Which stage ?" I asked.

She looks in her documents. "According to your results you are in the third stage."

"And there are four stages right ?" I asked her and she nodded. My god...

"Listen to me Madellaine, I know you're scared now. I can understand your fear but we will get through this together." She said encouragingly. I just smiled weakly at her.

I looked over at my parents and they were quieter than ever. Their eyes were red, they were probably going to start crying. It must be painful knowing that their only daughter will die soon.

"Is there nothing we can do ?! I mean there has to be something we can do right ? We can't just leave it like that !" My mother said, finally breaking down.

"I'm afraid not Mrs. Wilson." She said lightly shaking her head.

"I know it's a lot to digest right now, but we still have to stay alert. Madellaine you will now expect a clean set of symptoms. Starting with a dizzy feeling, followed by severe shaking, your hands and lips will turn blue and your heart will beat faster, which can also lead to a dizzy feeling. That's why you shouldn't exert yourself too much. If you have circulatory problems you need to rest immediately, this is a sign from your body that it needs a break. We will continue to prescribe you medication for the pain."

"What kind of pain is that ?" I asked.

"You will feel stabs in your heart in a few weeks. Sometimes there is also a tight feeling in your chest. If you feel like it's time, you take the medication." She explains.

My parents didn't say anything the entire session, but suddenly my father started to speak. "What about a heart transplant ?" He said hopeful. "In view of Madellaine's condition, a transplant is no longer possible, her heart is already so exhausted that if we started operating on her she would die immediately. Her heart no longer has the strength to endure such an operation. When she was younger, we thought about it too, but the operation couldn't take place either, because she was far too small to cope with this type of operation." Dr Taylor explains.

In other words, I'm a lost cause. Great.

"Dr Taylor ?" I said quietly.

"How much time do I have left ?"

She looked down and let out a sigh from her mouth. "We don't really know. We would have to wait until you are in the fourth stage so that we can make a firm diagnosis. But once you have reached the fourth stage, you only have a few months left from then on."

And that was the moment.

The moment where everything would change forever.

Sorry not sorry...

❗️Btw everything I wrote about the symptoms and the time she has left, is all made up. It's not from google or sum. It's all not true. ❗️