Her heartbeat

❥ 18.

Jaden

Thoughts.

Thoughts, that eat my head every day.

Thoughts, that keep repeating every day.

How should my life go on ? How long will my life go on ? What do I do with my life ? How do I make my parents happy ? How do I make myself happy ? Am I enough ? Am I strong enough ? Will I ever find someone who takes me for who I am ? With my illness, with my scars, with my self-doubt, with my fear, with my state of life. These questions have been playing in my head every day for 6 years. The same thoughts every day, and I have no answer to them. Not a single answer. No promises that my life will be the way I would like it to be. Nothing.
Instead, doubt. Fear. Anger.

I'm afraid. I'm afraid of the future.

I'm afraid to leave my parents alone. I'm afraid to leave Isabelle alone. I'm afraid that I will never be happy with myself.
So many fears, so many questions. My head is full.

I'm drowning in my own head.

And there is no one who can save me from myself.

I thought the illness would be my greatest enemy, it turns out that I am myself.

I can't let anyone get to me, whoever gets too close to me will break, will break just as I did. I will not let that happen. The people around me are too important to me, to let that the same thing happen to them as to me.
I will keep my distance. I have to keep my distance. But above all, I have to get better with my parents again.

Even if I hate it there, I will go, I will go to the self-help group. For my mom.
I wanna make her happy. She deserves it.
So I pack up my things and go downstairs. I see them in the living room, sitting on the couch when they turned their head and looked at me.

"I'm going", I pause for a few seconds and start to talk again. "Self-help group. I'll wait in the car."
After I finished my sentence, grabbed my jacket and the car keys and opened the door.

I sit in the car, waiting for my mother. It's 4pm that's why she will leave for work in a bit. Which also means I have to stay there alone again.
Even tho she's not there, I'm not planning to run away again, I learned my lesson. I don't wanna hear this word ever again.

Disappointed.

My mother got into the car, turns the key and looked at me. I looked out the window and saw her face reflect in the window, so I turned to her. There was no facial expression.

Emptiness, emptiness spree her face. She looked away from me and drove off.

I really messed up...

———

After a while we were in the city center, where the help group is itself. We got out and went into the building. On the way to the group, my mother suddenly started talking to me. "I'll leave you here because I have to work."

I looked at her in confusion. Didn't she say she wouldn't leave me alone anymore ?

"I know what I said, but I think I could see very well from your look that you understood everything what we said to you." She replied.
I just nodded, remembering every single word they said to me.

"I'll come pick you up afterwards, so don't come back to the idea of disappearing earlier and going alone."

"Okay" I said lightly and went into the room where my group was.

I go in inside and saw that almost all the chairs were occupied. I looked around and saw the boy from last time again, the one with the hood and the injuries on his arms. I go to the right of him and sat down. Ms Baker was still not there, so everyone was still talking a little, so I suggested to speak to the boys next to me. "Hey" I said with a smile, he waved his head only a millimiter to me and only gave a very quiet "hi".
"My name is Madellaine, what's your name ?"