Her heartbeat

❥ 12.

Nervousness

The smell of disinfectant touches my nose, I could hear the piping from the ventilator, I opened my eyes slowly, and saw a nurse next to my bed as she writes something on her clipboard, but leaves the room a short time later. I raised my hand and wanted to pull the ventilation mask away from my mouth until I could see my mother jumping out of her chair and running to me.

"Oh my god my baby. How are you feeling ?"

She took the mask from my mouth, after which I had pointed it so that I could talk. I slowly sat up and looked at my parents.

"What happened ?" I asked, as I put the mask beside me.

"You had a small attack, the doctor said that you need rest now but we can take you home."

"Wait, am I healed ?"

My parents looked at each other disappointingly, as if they couldn't tell me the truth.

"No, unfortunately not honey-"

It was all a dream ? I knew it, it was too good to be true.

"But we won't give up okay ? You are going to rest for a while and then you will see yourself, how good you'll feel. I'll get you some water, I'll be right back." My father said as he gave me a kiss on the forehead and left the room.

Silent filled the room, after I decided to break it.

"Mom, can I ask you something ?"

"Of course sweetie" my mother said as she stroked my hair away from my face.

"Am I able to get children ?"

She looked disappointed and quickly looked to her side, she couldn't tell me the truth, I know that she is afraid that the truth would only harm me more, but I need to know.

"How is it that you suddenly ask ?" She asked in nervousness.

"I had a dream, the doctors told me that I was healed and could have children. And it was not possible before, is that true, can I really not give birth to a child ?"

She looked at her lap and played with her wedding ring. Ohh I'm not gonna like the truth, she never plays with her ring, only if the truth is really hard to process.

"No honey, you can't. The doctors had already told us when you were young and I couldn't tell you, because I knew how much you would like to be a mother. I couldn't bring it to tell you I'm really sorry, please forgive me."

I can't believe it, because of a stupid dream, I learned the truth that my parents have kept secret from me for years. And then the reality hit me, I will never be a mother, I will never be able to have children, I will never be able to give my partner a life from both of us, I will never be able to give birth to a human, I will never know how it feels to have a baby kicking in your stomach, I will never hear the heartbeat of my own child. I am a single disaster, who would want me ? I am sick, I am weak and I could never give the love of my life a human that consists of both of us.
This thought only makes me sobbing and tears starting to flowed not long after.

My mother took me in her arms and tried to calm me down, stroked my hair and didn't let go of me. I clung my arms around her, I just needed her now, I counted with a lot, but not with this answer.

"I'm here for you sweetie, and you will make it, I know you will."

———

It's been almost a month since my attack and I have to say that my mother has become much more relaxed. She has realized that her overprotality would only harm me. So she gives me more freedom, for which I am very grateful. I think I haven't told it yet, but I actually should sleep last week in the hospital, because of a few examinations, luckily they are no longer necessary. I am not healed but my condition has improved a bit, except for the attack. The doctors don't know why, it was a surprise for all of us. In any case, I didn't had to go to the hospital, but I have to go to therapy. Yes, my mother now gives me a little more freedom, but she says
"we prefer not to take any risks" and send me to therapy.

It starts tomorrow and I'm nervous, I don't know which people are waiting for me, I only know that the group I will be in is very mixed, people with an eating disorder, suicidal, depression, anxiety disorders and more. I have none of it and still have to go there. My mother says that I will develop all these illnesses if I remain alone in my room with my thoughts. But I like it, like I said I am not a person who likes to talk about feelings or generally like to talk to people.

This month was in the whole very nice, I went out and did a lot with Izzy and it made me so grateful to see how happy she is for me. I also told her everything about the boxing match.

*Throwback*

"YOU TALKED TO MYLES COLLANE ??!! Like really talked talked, like moving lips and giving sounds ?!"

The fuck ?

"Ehmm yes? That's how a conversation works." I say confused.

"Oh my god Mady, what did you talk about ?" She grabbed my shoulders and pulled me so close that our noses almost touched.

"I want to know everything, you understood ? EVERY-SINGLE-DETAIL!!" with each word she pulled me closer, so that our noses touched fully now.

She's kinda scaring me right now.

"Since when have you been so fond of Myles Collane ?" I asked, raising my eyebrows.

"Ehm since he became champion in 2021 ? He is the hottest boxer who has ever lived. Did you see his body and his tattoos ?"

Believe me, I have.

"He is a single work of art. WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN TALKING ABOUT NOW ?!"
She yelled and shook my shoulders aggressively.

"Slow down, you'll roll out my shoulder and I have had enough of hospitals." I complained and took her hands of my shoulders.

"Okay sorry, BUT TELL ME NOW !"

"He was a total asshole and abnormally arrogant. He asked me if I had a difficult start in life and when I said that I didn't like boxers, he asked me what boxer did so bad. Oh and the best, he touched me-"

"HE TOUCHED YOU ?!" Isabelle screamed with a happy face as she slapped her hands against her mouth.

"Not the way you think. Eww".

Wow..

"With his bleeding hand he held me on my wrist when I was about to go. And you know what happens as soon as blood get on my skin."

"Shit, did you had an attack ?" Izzy asked concerned.

"No but I was about to."

His handsome face distracted me- WHAT?!

"Oh and he indirectly invited me to his next fight, but don't worry, I've already refused."

"YOU DID WHAT ?!"

"Izzy I'm begging you, would you stop screaming in my ear." I said holding my finger against my right ear.

"Madellaine are you crazy ? You have to go there. Wait what did you mean by indirectly?"

"Well he asked me if I liked the fight and I said no."

"AND YOU SAID NO??!"

"Izzy you know I don't like boxers." Yes, but you like him-  shut the fuck up

"And then he asked me why I wouldn't come to his next fight ? I don't know if it really counts as an invitation- "

"Of course it counts as an invitation, he likes you Mady." 

What did she say? Someone likes me? Hahahah funny, because the last time a boy liked me, he totally fucked me up.

"Izzy I don't want anything more from men, I've finished with it since Liam. I don't want to experience all of this again."

"Okay, but who says that Myles is just like Liam."

"Because all men are the same, especially a boxer who is about to become world champion, he knows nothing serious with women.I'm done with it."

"Madellai-"

"I said I'm done with it."

Hey guys ! I want to apologize again for the fact that the chapters aren't all the same length, but sometimes there's more going on in one chapter and I have to stop there. So please don't blame me.
I still hope you like the story up to here, by the way what do you think of Myles so far?
He's a snack right ;)