Her heartbeat

❥ 32.

My fault

I've never felt so inhuman in my life.

I hurt him. I broke him. I broke such a pure soul.

I hurt everyone who comes close to me. I deserve this disease, I deserve the pain, I would even deserve to die from this disease. I am a hideous person.

Myles has shown me nothing but pyour loving manner since the beginning. He showed me that I can also be beautiful with my insecurities. But above all, he showed me his feelings. He never hid them, he was always open to them.

Despite everything, I don't know what to feel.

I love spending time with him. He makes me laugh. He builds up my self-confidence. He makes me forget this stupid illness, but I'm still afraid.

———

"Honey what are you doing here, it's after midnight." My mom said as I walked through the door.

"I was with Myles." I just said, I didn't wanted to talk about it anymore.

"And he let you come home all by yourself ? Just wait until I see him, I'll-" she started.

"No mom, I decided to come home alone. He has nothing to do with it. It's my fault... completely my fault.." I said, voice breaking and the tears starting soon after.

I went upstairs into my room and left my mother downstairs confused.

I looked into my mirror and was disgusted. Disgusted in that person that I saw in front  of me. I couldn't recognize myself anymore. I tried to see the 10 year old girl that was happy with her life. That wasn't sick. That loved herself. But she's gone. I lost her.

It's my fault.

At this point I didn't know what to do. I was confused.

Do I want him or not ?

Do I even like him that much ?

Do I wanna run away from everything that makes me happy, just because I'm scared that this disease will break it in a matter of seconds ?

———

The next morning arrived and let me tell you I didn't even closed my eyes for a second.

My head was racing with thoughts about  Myles, about my life, about the disease.

Literally everything.

But I'm actually very happy that it is morning, because I have my next therapy appointment. Thank god, now I have something else to do than overthinking my life.

I went downstairs and saw my mother on the table eating her breakfast. My dad has probably left for work. I went into the kitchen and made myself some cereal and joined my mother.

"What did happen yesterday ?" She suddenly asked.

"What do you mean ?" I asked, acting clueless.

"You looked so..sad honey. Normally when you're with him your are over the moon and smiling the whole time, but yesterday... I don't know. You seemed different."

May I present you ladies and gentlemen: Mothers.

Always knowing what has gotten into their child, it's just a very bad timing to know that something is wrong.

"Did you guys had a fight ?"

"No mom we didn't fight. He was in the hospital because he got injured while training and I stayed with him a little to make sure he's okay. I was just tired yesterday." I said and continued to eat, I just hope she will believe it.

"Oh I see, is he injured badly ?" She asked worries.

"No, the doctor said he should be fine in a couple of days."

"Well that's good." She said and poked into her food.

I continued eating, hoping that we could finally end this conversation.

"Maybe we should visit him today after your appointment. Seeing how he's doing. I could make him something to eat and you could see him again too."

I almost choked on my food as she said that.

"No !" She looked at me confused.

"I mean... his best friend is with him and his mom and sister are visiting him today probably too, it would be too full in the house don't you think."

"You are right honey. That poor boy needs a lot of rest." She said and ate her food.

I don't care what anybody says. I can't see him know. I should keep my distance, to protect both of us.

I just hope it's not going to be that hard...