Her heartbeat

❥ 19.

Progress ?

My mother was already at the door and waited for me, I saw her and walked towards her. Once again she said nothing and we went to the car and didn't talk to each other. On the way home, Jaden couldn't get out of my head. I remember when he said that his father is abusing him. And that he doesn't care about him. I don't know if he has friends, but he looks like a quiet loner. That's why I would like to do something with him. He is in the middle of his youth and should actually have fun and not be in a self-help group.

There are only two years between us, but he seems to me as if he was my little brother and as if I had to take care of him. I never had siblings. My mother could hardly get pregnant, and when she finally got pregnant and had a child, this child is terminally ill.

I really want to tell my mother about him, but who knows if she's listening to me.

I'll just risk it.

"Mom, I met a boy in the group today, his name is Jaden and he has only turned 16. In any case, he went trough a lot and he told me a lot about his private life. His mother had cancer and died and his father is not there for him. He asked me if we could hang out together. May I ?"
I said as I was nibbling in my mouth the whole time.

She continued to look at the street until we stopped at a traffic light. She looked over at me and said, "you can completely forget that, it's been just a few hours since our conversation and you want to start again."

"No, I don't.., I just feel sorry for him. I just want to be a good friend."

"Forget it." She said when the traffic light switches to green and we continued to drive.

At home I continued my own routine, which I always did when I'm not allowed to go out or when I'm bored. I'm on my phone, rearranging my room, clearing out a few clothes or learning new things. I have to say I miss school a lot. I went to school as normal until I was 12, but after my diagnosis my mother immediately took me out of school.

Since then I have never had school again, I didn't even had private lessons, because my mother thought that she could teach me everything important. And she was right, I don't go to school anymore but I know exactly as many things as Isabelle, for example, and Isabelle is going to college. I like to learn a lot of new things, no matter what it is.

Above all, I would like to learn to swim. Yes, you can laugh at me now, I'm 18 years old and I can't swim yet. I never learned it because I have a lot of respect for water. It can look so beautiful, and the different colors are breathtaking but in the next second it can snap your feet away and you drown. Well what can I say, I'm afraid of water but I still want to go to Hawaii to the sea, I know it makes a lot of sense.
I just hope I can learn it at some point in my life.

If we have already mentioned Isabelle, she's totally freaking out. She asks me all the time to sneak out so that we could go out. It's not even a day since I've been grounded, and she organizes such a drama, well what can I say, this is my best friend.
She also talks about Myles all the time.
'How should we make it to his fight ?'
'How are you going to take his breath away with your look ?'
How do you want to become his girlfriend ?'

Yep, that's exactly what she said. I try to make it clear to her that we have only seen each other three times, and that we can hardly speak of a relationship there, but she does not listen to me. She says we are "meant for each other", I have no idea how she heard that from a few minutes conversation.

Apart from that, I think it won't kill Myles if I don't go to his fight. You are probably wondering now, 'the fight will only be in three months, your mother will not ground you for that long',
yes, she will. I have known my mother long enough and know that she would totally do it, for this reason I try to find a way in which she forgives me so that I can finally get out again. But that's not the only reason, also to gain their trust again.
I just can't find a way.