Her heartbeat

❥ 42.

You in my arms

While I was at the lake with Myles and we were swimming across the water in our little boat, I couldn't stop thinking about what Dr Taylor said to me. I couldn't stop thinking about the symptoms she listed, which have now already occurred.

My heart has been poking for hours and I notice that my body is very shaky. Myles hasn't noticed anything yet. I try to hide it all the time but he asked me once why I shiver so much in this weather. The sun is shining, it's warm and I'm literally wearing a freaking dress, so his question is valid. I told him that I think I'm just getting sick and that's why I'm shaking. He gave me his jacket afterwards and we are still swimming across the lake.

About two hours later we found ourselves in a restaurant. Myles has placed our order and I'm sitting in the booth waiting for him. It's funny. A few months ago I would have done everything to not see him and go to therapy instead, and now I get up every day with a smile, because I know I will see him. By the way, while we're talking about therapy. Since getting my diagnosis, I have avoided going to self-help groups, I can't bring myself to tell Jaden.

However, I miss him very much. He's like the little brother I never had, which makes me even more worried about where he is. The group also hasn't seen him for several weeks, but I have decided to visit the group again this week. Hopefully Jaden will be there again.

"Here you go flower." Myles suddenly said as he put down the tray of food.

I love burgers. I live for burgers. Especially cheeseburgers. I would never turn one down. but now that I have it in front of me, I could just puke. I don't know if it's a side effect of the high-dose medication I've been taking recently, but my feeling of hunger is suddenly gone — for several days to be exact.

"Aren't you hungry ?" Myles asked.

"I am, but I don't know, I feel kind of sick right now." I responded. He sat across from me and stretched his hand across the table to take my temperature, feeling it in my forehead. "You are very cold Mady, you don't look so good." He said.

Wait

"What did you just call me ?" I suddenly asked. "Mady ?"

Something must click for him, come on.

"Wa-was that wrong ?" He asked, laughing.

"No...no." I said, putting a French frie in my mouth, but I barely got it down. "Flower, are you not feeling well ?" He asked worriedly.

"Why do you ask that ?" I asked, laughing, but only to hide my nervousness. "You're really cold, you're shaking and you look like you've lost some weight. Are you really alright, I'm just worried." He responded.

Fuck.

"It's okay Myles, don't worry. I think I'm just getting sick. Keep eating, everything is okay." I smile at him. He continued to eat but I could see in his eyes that he didn't believe me. Just as he looked away I noticed how suddenly my leg was shaking. I put my hands on my leg to stop it, but in vain. When he turned back around he noticed something was going on, he kind of looked down and put his hand on my thigh looking at me. I replied with a smile and placed my hand on his. Thank God the shaking stopped again after a short while.

———

Late in the evening we drove to a field. It was a little higher, so we had a perfect view of the whole city. The thousands of lights under the dark sky made this moment unforgettable. We sat on the blanket on the floor and just watched the view. I was very exhausted, we didn't do an incredible amount today, but as I said, these medications exhausted me much faster than before.

I leaned on Myles shoulder and he waved his arm around my body and kissed the top of my head. "You know, you always manage to leave me speechless and make these trips unforgettable." I said as I looked out over the city. "I am so grateful to God for bringing you into my life. Every day I thank God that I can wake up in the morning and know that you are there Myles. I-" I finished my sentence and looked up at him, he was already looking down at me. I couldn't even look so quickly when suddenly his lips were on mine.

These lips. God I'm going to miss them so much.

He placed his left hand on my cheek and pulled me closer to him and closer into the kiss. A moan escaped me and he smiled against my lips. After that he took me by my waist and sat me on his lap and we continued kissing. My hands found his neck and I clung onto him. His hands moved up and down from my waist. I took off his jacket and ran my fingers over his muscular chest. I was about to take off his shirt when he stopped me. I thought I did something wrong so I looked at him. "I can't do that now Mady."

"You don't want to ?" I asked, a little sadly. He grabbed my face and pulled me closer to him. "No, of course I want to. You don't know how much I want this, but it wouldn't be right thing to do now. I want it to be romantic, special, not in a field where everyone could see us." He said laughing. "I want to take time for you. I want to satisfy you as best as I can, because you only deserve the best flower." This time it was me who had a big smile on her face and I kissed him.

"I'm telling you, you're not real. I wish everyone would be like you." I said, leaning against his chest.

"Everyone should treat and respect a woman like that, it's a given." He said simply.

"Tell that my ex." I said laughing.

"What do you mean ?" He asked.

"My ex was the complete opposite of you, he never treated me the way you do, he never took me on dates, never complimented me and didn't respect my decisions." I explained.

"I had no idea you had an ex." He says in surprise. "I'm so sorry you had to experience that."

"It's all in the past, I was young and stupid. I thought what we had was real love, but after I told him I didn't want to sleep with him and he then cheated on me, I quickly realized it wasn't love."

"Did he force you to do anything Mady ?"

"No, not really. It was more like forcing into talking. I told him that I have never slept with anyone and I need my time, but he didn't respect it and said that if I really loved him, I would give him my virginity. I'm just so glad I never did it."

"What a dick. Where did you find it ?" He asked.

"High school." I replied laughing.
"That's why I was so skeptical about you at first. I thought you were just like him and only wanted one thing."

"Do you still believe that ?" He asked nervous.

I said no without hesitation. "Very good, because you should know that I would never force you to do something you don't want. It's your body and your decision. However, it would be an honor to show you the feeling of passion and satisfaction." I smiled and I kissed him. "I can't wait for it." I said smiling up at him.