Silenced

Chapter 17- Disorder

Chapter 17

Disorder

Kaiser Donovan

Ms. McCain had told me that I had two disorders after a few weeks of therapy.

The first one was my fear of being touched. I had this thing where I Was under the impression that the only way to stay safe was to not be touched. By anyone. It was a defense mechanism. No taking, no danger. No touching, no fear.

The other one was my need to be in control. Every single thing has to be in a certain order. It was like a mild case of OCD. I've managed to keep it under control. I had memorized where every single thing in my room was. And it anything was out of place, I would freak out. Full on anxiety attack. As if it wasn't bad enough that I was terrified of people.

I stared at the stars on my ceiling, wishing that I could be in space. Anywhere away from here, away from people.

I wish a lot. I've realized that. And nine of them have come true. I've realized that too.

"Kaiser!" My father yelled my name from downstairs.

I got up and walked to my bedroom for and opened it.

"I'm going out for a minute. Don't leave your room. There's someone outside if anything happens. Okay?" He says quickly.

I nodded and he left.

I looked down, over the banister, wondering how far down the fall would be. Standing there, thinking about whether the fall would kill me or not.

I sighed. Then I walked away, back into my room, back into my safe haven.

I laid back on my bed. Stared at my ceiling a little longer.

One minute passed.

Then another.

And another.

It was a horrible feeling. Watching your life pass you by. I sat up slowly. Standing up, I walked to my bookshelf.

I picked up the fist book I saw, Fault In Our Stars by John Green. I looked at the cover, the back, inside. And I stopped it on the floor.

I took the next one, Papertowns by John Green. And I did the same.

I dropped the next one and the next one and the one after that. Until the bookshelf was empty.

After that, I walked over to my desk and pushed everything off of it.

Then my bed. Then my closet. Until my room looked like a tornado had went through it.

I, then, sat on the floor, next to my bed, on top of all of my clothes and papers.

My eyes watered against my will.

My eyes surveyed the destroyed room. My heart was beating fast. I couldn't handle all of this disorder. It made me feel sick. My stomach was doing flips.

 I looked up at the ceiling again. And I closed my eyes, crying softly.

Why? 

It had became my often asked question. I used to believe in God, but that was long ago. Now, I just can not seem to understand why people would believe in something that they couldn't explain. Or why, if there is a God, why would He let all these people in this world suffer as much as we have? What kind of God is that?

I  sniffled again. I heard my bedroom door open and I quickly wiped my eyes.

My dad walked in, closing the door behind him. He stood there, letting time pass. not to long after, he came and sat down next to me. He was sure not too sit to close.

"August is staying with us again. He's in the guest room." He said quietly, breaking the barrier of silence.

Another moment of quiet passed.

"We don't have to talk. Not talk. Well, communicate. We could just sit here. And you could cry, if you felt like it."

I smiled. It was a small smile but a smile, nonetheless.

I bit the inside of my lip. I was contemplating doing something. Something that I didn't think that I could. I bit my lip harder. I shut my eyes tightly and opened them.

I leaned up and hugged him. I kept my eyes closed and I hugged my father.

Inhale. Exhale.

I breathed slowly. My dad's whole body tensed up. After a second, he wrapped his arms around me.

He chuckled softly and kisses the top of my head. I sniffled, trying not to cry. I felt drops of tears landing in my hair.

He was crying. I sniffled again before I started crying too.

"I love you so much, Kaiser. I'm so sorry. For everything. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry."

I shook my head, sniffling some more.

I love you too, Dad.

***

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