Breaking free (GxG)

Chapter 36 - Hope

“The first thing I’d like to ask you is, why are you calling me today?”, my therapist’s voice resonated in my ears so I held the mic of my earphones close to my mouth and looked at my computer screen to focus my attention on her.

“I almost died again recently. Justin tried to kill me”, I answered bluntly.

“And how do you feel about that?”, she asked in a soft and caring tone.

“I went through different stages to be honest. There was pain, and then fear, and then guilt, and then relief. It was hard to understand all of them and then overcome them.”

“Did you truly overcome them or do you feel like they punctually come back and go away after awhile?”

“I mean, I think about it sometimes. The main feeling that comes back each time is the guilt of having exposed Taylor to such a high danger.”

“What do you mean by that?”, Alexandra asked in her classic doctor voice.

“When I talked to Justin in the dead-world, he said he was aiming at Taylor and that it was never in his intention to kill me. Or at least try to kill me. But he wanted to get Taylor just so he could have me to himself. She went so close to dying because of him. And because of me.”

“Brooklyn, you can’t feel responsible for this man’s decisions. He was sick. His mental disorder was altering his sense of reason and there was no way of predicting his actions. On top of that, you had taken all the security measures to put yourself and Taylor out of threat. Your conscience is all clear”, Alexandra explained to me soothingly and composedly to make sure I understood. It was helpful to get some perspective and hear different angles.

“I guess it’s useless to keep banging on about who’s responsible and what could have happened. It’s all in the past. I just need to process it and move on.”

“Have you done some work in that direction already?”, Alexandra asked nicely.

“Yes with Lisa. She wormed her way into our house for New Year’s Eve and I finally found the right way to tell her we needed to go our separate ways. She also gave me all the answers I needed so I completed to whole circle.”

“It must have been hard for you to officially turn the Lisa page”, Alexandra said softly and it pulled on my heart more than I had expected. My eyes teared up but I didn’t hold back my emotions.

“It’s just… She was the only permanent feature in my life. I feel the void she left but at the same time I feel relieved of so much pressure and negativity.”

“Do you have any regrets concerning Lisa?”

“I only wish she had opened her eyes sooner. She ruined a whole life of friendship for a manipulator.”

“Well, hopefully her pregnancy and motherhood will put her mindset in the right direction. She has a beautiful adventure waiting for her, and you have a lot of things to accomplish as well.”

“Yeah, I finally feel ready to take off. Nothing’s holding me back anymore.”

“Do you remember the drawing exercise we did on our first session?”, Alexandra asked in her nice caring voice.

“I remember the exercise but not the exact drawings”, I answered frankly.

“Give me two seconds”, she requested and stood up, leaving the screen for a little while.

Speaking to Alexandra felt amazing. I'd called her three times in the past week. I didn’t tell Taylor about it because I wanted it to be a personal initiative, and I did well. I was talking about my true feelings and thoughts, and for what I hoped to be my last session I needed to be completely myself. When Alexandra came back and showed me my papers, I was taken aback by the darkness and fatality they conveyed. It helped me acknowledge the huge journey I achieved, and the shame it would have been to disappear from this world and miss out on the beauty of love.