Everything To Lose

Chapter 2

She reached for her phone and texts Raven.
"Rae, she's home. Thanks. Goodnight and once again, sorry to bother you so late"

"That's good. Lexa, please don't be so formal with me. Clarke's not herself recently. I'm worried too. Thanks for keeping me in the loop"

"I know. I'll call you tomorrow Rae. Goodnight"

"Goodnight Lexa"

Lexa kept her phone aside and looked toward the staircase. She decided to go upstairs and check on Clarke. She was still drunk after all and Lexa hoped to god she hadn't passed out or something in the shower.

She made her way upstairs and entered their bedroom only to find Clarke wrapped in a towel sitting by the door of their master bathroom, weeping.

Lexa ran to her

"Clarke... Clarke what's wrong? Oh my god!"

Lexa sat beside her and pulled her into her arms and Clarke sobbed loud and harsh into her neck...

"Shhh... baby... don't cry... Talk to me... please tell me what's going on this this sweet little head of yours"

Lexa kissed her temple, and kept doing it in an effort to calm Clarke down, she could feel her body wracking with sobs. Lexa couldn't describe the pain she felt in her chest at the helplessness she was feeling right now...

"You've got to talk to me babe..." she caressed her face. This was the first time in the last two weeks Clarke was crying instead of fuming. And Lexa needed to get it out of her now. She held her face and made her look right at her.

"Look at me... I'm here... I've always been here... we've been through so much together baby, why won't you talk to me now..."

"You'll hate me..." came Clarke's reply... "You already do I think..."

Lexa was shocked. She had no words. What in the world could make Clark think Lexa could ever hate her.

"What? Why would I hate you, I don't understand... Clarke..."

Clarke looked away then. Wiped furiously at her eyes. When she opened them again they were red and puffy and Lexa wanted to kiss over them and reassure Clarke that she could never hate her. Never.

"I'm tired Lexa, please, can we just go to sleep?"

It wasn't what Lexa wanted tonight. But at least it was something. It was more than what she'd got from her the past two weeks and so Lexa decided to take what she could get. She nodded. She got up, off the floor and helped Clarke up.

"Let's get you in your night wear" she said to Clarke.

Clarke nodded. She was letting Lexa take care of her and that in itself was a big leap from how they've been ending their nights these days.

Clarke helped her into one of her t-shirts and underwear, and got her into bed. Lexa stood there. Hesitating. Clarke reached out to her and that was enough.

She could skip the couch tonight and Lexa considered that a win. Clarke cuddled in closer to her side, and Lexa kissed the top of her head before whispering a "Goodnight Clarke, I love you" to her. Clarke was already falling asleep, she could feel her heart rate slowing down and her breath too. And she thanked the universe for small blessings like tonight.

It was 7 am now, and Lexa was all set to leave for a new day at work. She had prepared breakfast for Clarke and left it out on the kitchen island for her. She had also left 2 painkillers on their bedside table with a bottle of water and a note that said "Breakfast is downstairs, please give me a call when you're up, Clarke"

Lexa stared at her sleeping lover. She looked peaceful. And that was all Lexa would ever wish for her. But she knew there was something going on. Something Clarke wasn't ready to talk to her about yet and it pained to be the one to not know when all their life they've been nothing but open to each other. A work call on her phone distracted her from Clarke. She cursed at her phone, then walked over to Clarke, kissed her forehead and left.

On her way to work, Lexa called Raven.

It was 11 am now, and Lexa was still awaiting Clarke's call. But in vain. So she texted her.

"Clarke, are you up?"

"Hi, yes. I am. Sorry, couldn't call you. Had to rush to the gallery."

"Everything okay?"

"Yea, just had to talk to the building managers. I'm fine. I'll see you tonight"

"I thought we could talk, whenever you're free."

"We can talk tonight, Lexa. I'll come home by 10."

Lexa sighed to herself. Clarke was avoiding talking to her. Again. Why had she expected anything else? Oh yes, she let her remotely in last night, that's got to count for something right? She kept her phone aside and dived deep into work.

Clarke's headache was almost gone. She sipped on some more water and continued with the purposeful brush strokes on the canvas before her. She was wearing one of her old shirts knowing she would get some paint over it. She was trying really hard. But nothing looked right. The entire piece was turning out to be a disaster. A metaphor for what her love-life was turning into. She placed her brush down and rested her face in her palms. Just trying to get a grip on herself. It was 7pm now.

"Hey" came an all too familiar voice from behind her. She turned around to find her friend, her best friend since high school walking towards her.

"Raven! What are you doing here?" Clarke walked towards her until she could wrap her in her arms, embracing her.

"The doorman let me in, I guess he knows when you need me the most."

Clarke huffed. She folded her arms across her chest and said "And what do you think I need you for right now."

Raven took a deep breath then, getting a little nervous. "Alright, let's get right down to it then..."

When Clarke just looked at her expectantly, she continued.

"Clarke... Lexa called me this morning..." Raven noticed Clarkes change of stance. She shifted her weight from one leg to the other.

"She's worried, Clarke..."

"Did she put you up to this? Did she send you here?" Clarke said. Clearly trying to control some emotion, she didn't seem sure what it was exactly.

"Before you jump to any conclusions Clarke, you need to listen to me..."

"I told her we'd talk tonight, why she couldn't just wait..."

"Clarke! You've been coming home drunk every night. You guys have been fighting endlessly, don't you think she has the right to be worried, to be angry. She needs an explanation. She needs something."

"An explanation for what? So I've been drinking a little. I'm dealing with something. I'll be fine eventually..."

"She heard you talking in your sleep" Raven blurted out.

Clarke grew nervous. "What did I say?"

"You kept mumbling something about not being enough, not deserving. You said something about a monster and Lexa thought maybe you're having a bad dream..."

Clarke turned around. Needing to not let Raven see her eyes tearing up.

"...but then you said something about how Lexa would never love you after this... and you sounded angry with yourself..."

"Clarke, you ready?" came a voice from the door way. Both Raven and Clarke turned around to find Murphy and Bellamy there.

"Sorry, didn't realize you had company..." Murphy was quick to apologize

"That's fine, I was leaving anyway" Raven said.

Raven turned back around to Clarke. "I guess your ride's here. I'll see you around Griffin. Just don't forget how much Lexa cares about you while you go around drinking your sanity away" she said as she pulled Clarke in for a hug.