Everything To Lose

Chapter 28

It was 7 pm. Lexa had been MIA since morning. Clarke had hoped she would run into her this morning at least when she was getting ready to leave for a run, but she realized Lexa had left even before she had awoken.

"Can I talk to you?" Clarke had said to Anya when Raven managed to draw the kids', Abby and Kane's attention to some story she was narrating.

Anya walked with her to the kitchen area and said "Shoot birthday girl"

Clarke chuckled "stop calling me that"

"Listen, you better start enjoying all this attention. Birthday's come around just once a year"

"That's what I wanted to talk to you about..."

Anya knew what was coming.

"Did she really have cases to work on, or is she just avoiding me?"

Anya sighed, stared at the floor.

"Please be honest with me. Right now, the truth will be helpful."

"You already know Clarke, it wasn't easy for either of you these last 4 years, how do you think she spent your birthday, when all she could think about is the many happy memories you guys had made together on such a day"

"So then I should call her right? Talk to her, convince her that she doesn't need to be away now that we're here together."

"It's not that simple, Trust me she wants nothing more than to be around you. But sometimes you become a reminder of things that went horribly wrong and then that brings out her rage. And she's just afraid she'll ruin this day for you."

Clarke thought for a moment.

"Is it stupid that even after knowing that, I still want her here?"

"It is. But you love her. So I understand."

"Momma" came Aden's voice "Can we eat cake now?"

Both Anya and Clarke chuckled at his impatience.

The plan was to do one celebration with the family this afternoon, and later, Abby and Kane would take the kids to their place for the night, so that Clarke's friends could all come over and they could party for a while into the night without her having to worry about the kids.

"Come on, don't think so much. It's an easy-going day. Doesn't need to be more complicated than this" said Anya and pulled Clarke back to where everyone was laughing together in the living room.

It was 9 pm. Lexa stood outside the door to her home. She had been sipping on alcohol for most of the day, trying to get her mind off Clarke. But this was the first time in 4 years that even alcohol was doing nothing but making Clarke's face seem even more alluring in her head. She couldn't stop thinking about her, and how she now had the chance to be nearer to her. She couldn't take her mind off the fact that Clarke 'wanted' her around today. Clarke had pleaded with her. And that was all she had to do for Clarke on her birthday, be around. But she had opted out.

So here she was, bottles of vodka down, standing before the door and wondering how on earth had she made it here in one piece when she was so drunk, and secondly, what was she doing here?. Oh yes. She's here to see Clarke. The only woman she's ever really loved and the reason she drank her senses away today.

She raised her hand and knocked. She could use her own keys but that seemed like too much effort for all that drunkenness.

The door swung open and Lexa's attention was drawn to the atmosphere inside, she wondered for a moment if she came to the right house. It was dimmer than ever, blue, green and red lights seem to be flashing everywhere. If her eyes hadn't landed on Raven at the door quick enough, she would have sworn she was about to apologize for knocking on a strangers door and walk away.