Everything To Lose

Chapter 17

Lexa burst out laughing, and Raven was startled at first but then that laughter turned to quiet sobs, until she realized, Lexa was crying.

"Lex..." Raven pulled her in for a hug again.

"She had our baby..."

"Yes... she did..." Raven said

"Alone... she did it alone..."

Raven wasn't sure what Lexa was insinuating...

"Lex.. She wanted to tell you, she wanted to explain... but we didn't know how to reach you..."

"I should have been there." she said.

"She hurt you, Lex. We understood that. She understood that... albeit eventually"

"She did hurt me. God it still hurts so much."

Raven held her for a little while longer and then she caressed her face in her palms and said

"Can I ask you for a favour, Lex?"

"Yea... what is it?" Lexa said

"Give her a chance to talk to you. Just listen to her."

"It hurts too much Rae..." Lexa said

"I know... I'm not telling you that you need to forgive her or get back with her. That's completely your decision. But it's killing her how much she hasn't been able to fill you in on..."

"I know..."

"And I know she wants to know so much about you, about Madi, about the last 4 years"

Lexa wiped at her eyes then, needing to pull herself together.

"I'll try" Lexa said.

"Thank you, Lex." Raven reached out and squeezed Lexa's hands.

Just then they heard a sound from upstairs. It sounded like a scream. A pained moan.

Lexa was startled "what was that?"

Raven was already off her seat, but she seemed calm.

"It's nothing... I'll go check..." Raven said walking towards the stairs.

"Raven, whose room did that cry come from?" Lexa had to ask, even though she would recognize a part of that voice anywhere.

"It's Clarke, she's probably having a nightmare again... it's alright, I know what to do."

Raven was walking up again, and Lexa rushed to her side.

"What do you mean? She has these often? What do you do when she has these nightmares? What are they about?" Lexa was desperate to know.

Raven sighed. "Yea they come to her every once in a while. Some nights when I'm home I manage to comfort her through them. Some nights she battles them alone. Or she doesn't, alone."

They were almost near Clarke's bedroom door now.

"I won't go in there." Lexa said when Raven pushed the door slightly ajar.

Raven stood in the doorway and looked back at Lexa.

"You don't have to, she sees only you behind her closed eyes anyway"

Lexa understood. She stood frozen in place as she watched Raven enter Clarke's room, and from the gap in the door she could see Raven sitting by Clarke, gently holding her hand and trying to bring her out of her nightmare.

Lexa slid herself down against the wall beside the door, and sat there for a few minutes, simply listening.

"Clarke... wake up... it's just a bad dream..." Raven said.

"Raven... make her stop, please, don't let her leave..." Clarke was crying.

"Clarke, it was just a dream. She's right here, remember? She came home."

"She's here?" Clarke asked, still in a haze of sleep and so disoriented.

"She's here. Just down the hallway"

"No. She left."

"I know. But she came home yesterday, didn't she? She's here. Trust me."

Lexa listened as Clarke's breathing began to slow down.

"Should I make you some tea or something?" Raven asked.

Lexa almost got up, wanting to do something to help, she could make that tea.

"No... no I'll be fine... I'm sorry, again..." Clarke said sadly.

"Don't apologize to me, Griffin, please. I'm here for you."

"Thanks, Rae"

"Come on, lie down, try and get some sleep."

Lexa heard the ruffle of the covers. She stood up and waited for Raven to come out. Once Raven was out and had closed the door behind her, they walked slowly towards Lexa's bedroom.

"Is it the same nightmare all the time?"

Raven chuckled. "No, sometimes she sees Aden being taken away from her. Sometimes it's you yelling at her. Sometime it's news that you've moved on."

Lexa nodded.

"This one time it was me leaving her. I hate to admit but I felt nice that she's afraid of losing me."

Lexa stopped Raven in her tracks, stood before her and embraced her, real and tight.

"What you've done, for Clarke and I, I can't imagine anyone ever doing for us. You've been there for us at our worst and most importantly, you hold Clarke through these bad dreams and I don't know maybe it's the late hour but I feel the need to say Thank you for that, for taking care of her, and Aden and just... staying."

Raven felt herself relax in Lexa's embrace, and to her surprise, a tear fell from her eye.

"Always Lex. You two mean the world to me. I'm just glad you're home"

Raven returned downstairs to her bed, the convertible couch was her most comfortable spot to sleep in, in this house. She never liked the guest room and always preferred the couch. She fell asleep soon once she was all tucked in, it was morning anyway and she would have to be up in a few hours.

Lexa however had thoughts running laps around her brain. And she still couldn't sleep no matter how hard she tried. She got up, and once again made her way out of her room. She softly made her way to the kids' room.

It was 5 am now and they were so soundly asleep.

Lexa took one look at Madi and knew she was having quite a peaceful sleep. Then she allowed herself a moment to stare at the angel face on the other bed at the other end of the room. And it was like she was drawn to him, her feet moved of their own accord until she was standing right next to his bed, looking at his face for the first time with so much attention.

It was there, so may features from the prototype photograph she had seen all those years ago. He was theirs.

Tears filled her eyes the longer she stared at him. She sat by him then, and slowly caressed his cheek, not wanting to wake him up, but needing to touch him, to feel some kind of connection with him. Aden. Aden Griffin. The life she was supposed to be there for.

She was angry with herself and angry with Clarke, but the more she looked at him, the more she gazed at his sweet innocent face, she knew he didn't deserve to face the consequences of their mistakes. He deserved to be loved and that's all he should ever have to feel from Clarke and now, from her too. No matter where she was, she was going to look after this life right here, treat him with as much love and care as she did Madi.

Lexa then sat on the floor, beside Aden's bed and continued to gaze upon him, the soft light of the morning sky was beginning to fight its way through the curtains, and the brighter it got, the more beautiful he looked. Lexa's eyes began to fail her, sleep was finally beginning to take over, and she let it.