Everything To Lose

Chapter 6

"Lexa... please... allow me to explain." Clarke was crying.

Lexa turned her back to Clarke. Allowing herself a moment to process all of this. And finally it all clicked. Everything made sense in her head.

She held the kitchen counter, the weight of everything she'd just learned finally settling in on her shoulders, she swayed with giddiness.

She could feel both Clarke and Raven running to her side.

"Don't touch me!" she screamed even as she collapsed to the floor and felt Clarke's hands on her. "Don't touch me" she said again to Clarke, even as she was finding it harder to breathe.

"Lexa you need to calm down, slow your breathing down..." Lexa heard Raven instruct her.

"She's having an anxiety attack..." Clarke said.

Lexa saw Clarke standing about a foot away from them, her arms wrapped around herself like it was taking everything within her to not hold Lexa right now.

"Clarke, what do you do when Lexa has an anxiety attack?" Raven asked hurriedly.

"Just hold her, and make her breathe with you.. Please... just..." Clarke sounded desperate. She's held Lexa through her anxiety attacks before, way back when they were in high school and Lexa had to deal with the demons her foster parents were.

Raven did as she was told. Knowing full well she was the only one who could bring Lexa out of her head right now, she took on the responsibility, forgetting all else.

"Come on Woods, breathe with me.. It's not worth it... losing your breath over this, it's not... breathe with me, slowly, in... out.... In... out..."

"I don't want her near me, get me out. Get me out of here." Lexa mumbled between breaths.

"Lexa... I'm sorry... it was a mistake..." Clarke tried from where she was standing. But Lexa's breath began to quicken again.

"Clarke, now is not the time!" Raven snapped. And continued to try and get Lexa to slow her breathing down.

Clarke took two more steps back. Not wanting to cause her lover any more pain than she already had. She knew Lexa's lungs must hurt. Her heart must hurt even more.

She rushed to the kitchen to get a glass of water. Needing to do something. Help in some way. She had caused this. She came back, and leaned down next to them, on her knees... holding the glass forward

"Lex, baby..." Clarke tried.

Lexa looked up at her and instead of taking the glass of water, she flicked it out of her hand letting it fall to the floor and break into pieces.

"Save it. There's a man down town who'd probably appreciate your attention more" Lexa spat out the words coldly. It hurt. It pained every cell in her body to hear Lexa say it. But she deserved it. She deserved all the pain Lexa needed to throw at her right now.

Clarke looked down at the floor, at the broken pieces of glass. A metaphor for what she'd turned their lives into in one night.

When she looked back at Lexa, Lexa's face changed. She seemed sick.

"Lex?"

Lexa quickly scrambled off the floor and made her way to the nearest bathroom, Raven followed behind her hastily. And Clarke heard her throwing up. She stared at their spread of breakfast on the kitchen island. And felt angry at herself. What was she thinking? What was she thinking?! With all of this. Right from the surprise that never saw the light of day, to those drunken nights, to last night's mistakes, this morning, using Lexa, and now this, trying to cover it up with a good breakfast. What in the world was she thinking?