Everything To Lose

Chapter 4

Her thoughts taking over once more, this time to a more recent, more deceitful memory, one she was trying to wash away for almost an hour now.

6 am, she'd woken up this morning with a splitting headache. She held her head needing it to stop throbbing so much, and when her eyes finally adjusted to the light, she realized she wasn't at home, this wasn't her bed, and the snoring was definitely not the soft breaths she was used to.

Clarke panicked. She sat up, causing another shock of pain to travel straight to her forehead. She couldn't think straight. She all but climbed out of the bed and gathered her clothes. She looked at her watch, it was 6 and Lexa was probably worried sick. She stared back at the man in the bed. And her heart almost stopped right there. What had she done? The tears started then and they hadn't stopped since.

She was till scrubbing at her skin when she heard that voice, the only voice she wanted to hear right now.

"Clarke please... that's enough now, please come out..."

Clarke turned the shower off. It wasn't enough. It wasn't enough to scrub any remnants of last night off her skin. It would not undo the mistakes she'd made, and it definitely doesn't solve the issue she was dealing with in the first place.

She wrapped her towel around her body, and quietly stepped out. Not making eye contact with Lexa. Trying hard not to let her see her eyes.

Lexa was keeping her distance, not wanting to over-step when Clarke had made it clear she needed this.

"I want to help... Clarke... I don't know what you need... and I don't know why you're putting this distance between us... but I want to help, just tell me what you need..."

And it took everything in Clarke to not fall down at her feet and cry out that the last thing she wants is to put distance between them, the last thing she wants is to lose the love of her life forever, but how can she make that stand when she's probably already lost everything she's ever worked for in this relationship. So instead, she decided to do what she'd later deem as a foolish, stupid move.

"Love me" she said, her eyes finally meeting Lexa's worried, green orbs. "Love me, Lexa" her voice trembled when she uttered her lover's name, walking the edge of choking on a sob.

Lexa flew to her, kissing her lips, passionately. And it made Clarke cry. Lexa felt her body tremble. She held her tighter, wound her arms around her and whispered between kisses "I'm here Clarke, I've always loved you, and I still love you..."

Clarke allowed her lips to absorb those words, this was probably the last time she'd hear them, because she needed to tell Lexa the truth. Their relationship so far was built on being honest with each other, and what started off as needing to be a great surprise, was now just a big lie, a big betrayal. This would probably be the last time Lexa would hold her with so much love, and she'd be a damn fool to not take all of this in. She'd hate herself for it, but she needed this now more than ever. She deserved nothing but hate for this. And she knew it would come at her from everywhere once this was out in the open. And she'd take it. But right now, she needed Lexa. All of her.

And so she reached between them, and tugged at the towel wrapped around her. Lexa pulled away to look down between them where the towel had fallen to her feet.

Clarke took the chance to stare at her lover's face. It was a mixture of emotions. Lexa was worried, she was tired, she was sleepy, yet her eyes had darkened looking down at Clarke's body... Clarke would otherwise take pride in how even after all these years she was able to cause this reaction from Lexa, but today, she felt nothing but shame. But then Lexa's hands were on her skin, and her loving touch over the skin that had turned sensitive from all that scrubbing and heat in the shower, it sent a shiver down her spine, causing her eyes to close, to focus in on the feeling of Lexa's palm on her waist.