Everything To Lose

Chapter 26

How long were you out here?" Clarke asked softly.

Lexa was silent. Too silent. And Clarke was so tempted to look up. She wanted to look at Lexa. But she was still so overcome with shame, she hated this body and she hated the possibility of being met with more anger in Lexa's eyes if she looked up right now.

'She's talking to you, say something. She's waiting for you to talk. Fucking talk, LEXA!' an internal voice scolded her. She quickly cleared her throat, swallowed thickly and let her eyes leave Clarke's creamy toned skin, whatever was bare for now.

"Ummm... I... I was...I just..."

It was now that Clarke looked up. There was something about Lexa's voice, it had dropped a few tones lower. And Clarke knew this voice. She knew when Lexa was rendered to this voice. It had been too long but she would never forget.

Blue eyes found green. But green wouldn't meet hers. In fact, Lexa's eyes were still focused a little lower than Clarke's chin, her neck, her collar bone, and the skin just above where the towel was tied around.

Lexa's eyes had turned dark. And she was distracted. Clarke stood there, unable to move now.

"Lex..." she began to say...

Lexa now looked right into her eyes and the minute their eyes met, Clarke could have sworn something moved within her. And as if she was in a trance, Lexa took careful steps forward, her eyes locked to Clarke's

They were about a foot apart from each other now, Clarke hadn't realized when her heart had begun to race, but suddenly, she felt all too naked before Lexa, she wondered if this was wrong, she wondered if she was hurting Lexa further by being here, by having not put on her clothes.

But then Lexa's fingers were on her cheek, her gaze following the place her fingers were leaving a warm trail, Clarke closed her eyes.

This had to be a dream, her skin erupted with goose bumps, it had been so long... so long since she'd felt Lexa touch her like this...

Clarke shivered. Lexa's fingers traced her jawline, her neck and finally, they came down to her shoulders, her chest, right above where the corner of her towel was tucked in. Lexa knew every inch of Clarke's body, even after all these years, she remembers making love to Clarke like it was yesterday, that brought her gaze to Clarke's lips, and she saw Clarke biting down on the corner of her lip, she noticed her eyes closed, like she was too focused on where Lexa's fingers were currently on.

And as if the devil took over her mind, her brain began to wonder if this was what Clarke looked like when she came under Bellamy.

A strangled, pained cry made its way out of her throat and Clarke's eyes shot open in worry, only to find Lexa had turned around, her back to Clarke now...

"Lexa..."

"Clarke... could you put on some clothes?"

Her voice was back to normal.

Clarke's eyes brimmed with tears, but so did Lexa's.

"What are you doing here Lexa?" Clarke asked, choking on a sob.

"I came here to apologize about earlier, Clarke."

"Why apologize when you were going to hurt me again..." came Clarke's response. She continued when Lexa didn't say more.

"You don't have to say it Lexa, you can't look at me right now because this is not the same body you loved. And I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. But I've tried so hard to scrub at my skin... to make it better, to make it yours again, to wash out the wrong... but this is me, this is who I am, I'm ugly and dirty, and imperfect... and if that's hurting you further, then why did you come here? To make me feel even more ashamed of the body I have to live with, to ridicule me this way by touching me one second and turning away like you touched garbage the next."