i'd finally started to settle after everyone had left the party, the girl gus over was long gone. i think the other guys had gone to bed as well.
gus
are u awake
aspen
why
without even responding to my text gus invited himself into my room. "gus what—" i started, he laid down on the bed with me before i could finish my sentence. "what the fuck are you doing?" i asked. "i think too much" he said. "okay, that's cool. why are you in my bed?" i asked. "so i'm not alone" he said. "was the other girl not enough? or any of the 3 other guys you've known for years longer than me?" i asked.
"i told you those bitches mean nothing to me. and i don't know they're asleep and they don't really get it. they'd tell me to stop wining and be thankful" gus said. "thankful for what?" i asked, confused as to what he was actually talking about.
"my career and success. but nobody actually wants to talk to me, they just wanna walk with me. everyone wants to hang with or get a picture or get a feature or fuck with lil peep. no one wants to talk to or know gus. girls wanna fuck that's it. nobody knows a damn thing about me and it's tiring and draining and i feel like shit. no one loves me" gus ranted, his voice cracking with genuine upset.
"hey, gus i promise everyone here cares about you but you're also really drunk right now" i told him, hoping he'd pack it up and go to bed. "do you care about me aspen?" gus asked. "yeah" i told him, he'd been nothing but nice to me. "you're nice to be around. i like you" gus told me. he was obviously hammered but at least he was nice when he drank. "you too" i told him.
"how do you make people like you?" gus asked. "you're perfectly likeable gus, just don't let people walk all over you" i told him. "but i like being nice" he said. "you can still be nice, but also say no to people" i told him. gus looked at me sort of perplexed. he didn't say anything, just starting off into space out of my window.
"you don't have to be everybody's everything. you have to do what's best for you first" i told him, trying to snap him out of his little trance. "i've just always been this way" he said. "you're a great person gus, you've got a good heart and good soul, don't let it get taken for granted." i told him.
gus leaned across my bed to hug me, letting his whole upper body weight rest on my shoulder. i hesitated to hug him back for a moment, not quite sure how to handle the situation at hand. his chest rattled against my shoulder, "are you crying?" i asked. "no" he said through tears. "aw gus, no don't cry. please don't cry" i said, lifting him off my shoulder to face me. "it's okay, don't cry" i said again. "i don't know why i feel like this" he said. "it's okay, feelings can be hard to understand sometimes" i told him, using my sleeve to wipe the tears off his face.
"i know my friends are in music and stuff too but it just feels like they don't get it. everyone only ever asks for peep, i think it's also creating some jealousy with us and i don't know it's just fucked up" gus said. "they're in the same storm as you gus, maybe not the same boat but the same storm. maybe talk to them?" i suggested.
gus paused and looked at me, i gazed back at him, holding our eye contact. "aspen, can i kiss you?" gus asked out of nowhere, "uh—" i stuttered, surprised. before i could give an actual answer gus had placed his lips on mine, i kissed him back. it was nice i guess, i liked gus but i didn't think it was like that.
him making it very clear that girls meant nothing to him was a little off putting but it was just one kiss right? it couldn't hurt too much. maybe i was just still more drunk than i thought.
gus pulled away from me "sorry" he said "it's fine" i said, surprisingly not that offended by what had happened. "goddamn" gus mumbled "what?" i asked. "nothing—i just don't know what i'm doing" he said. "me neither i said.
gus kissed me again, with more emotion this time. i kissed him back again, his tongue slipped in my mouth for a few seconds before he pulled away for a second time. "i should go to bed now, i think" gus said. "you don't have to" i said, subtly inviting him to stay. although that was probably a bad idea, we had both been drinking and he was just my roommate. a friend at most.
"i've gotta sleep" he said. gus stood up, looked out of the window for a few seconds and then looked back at me. "goodnight aspen, sleep well" he said. "night gus. see you tomorrow" i told him, watching him slip out the door back into his own room.
i'm not quite sure of what jusy happened, and not quite sure why i didn't hate it. it obviously meant nothing to him and any physical involvement would just make things awkward between us. i don't regret it, but i probably should let it happen again.
gus
goodnight
thinking about u
aspen
goodnight
gus
thank u
for being there for me tonight
felt like i had no one but u were there
aspen
anytime
i put my phone down for the night, needing to disconnect from gus. i was feeling too many things about him right now and i didn't like it. he's a roomate, and a friend. that's it. he doesn't want you, he said it himself. girls mean nothing and he doesn't fall in love. i reminded myself.
a/n
prolly will get 1 more chapter up tonight
how is everyone what's poppin
u vibing with this so far ?
