Kiss The Sun

Chapter 15

Where is home, anyways? Is it my childhood bedroom, hearing my parents scream from the floor below? Is the arms of someone else? Someone who hurts you, who betrays you? Is it the sound of your best friend sitting next to you, singing with you?

I woke up in my bed, in my "home," but where was I? In the backyard of Lilianna's house. In a van. 

Alone.

And what would come of us?

I let the memories flood my brain and I soaked my pillow just like I had the night before.

You changed me. I fell in love with you, Brooklyn. With everything I am, with all that I have, I love you. I have never loved anyone like you. I can't lose you. Please, I can't lose you.

It played on repeat over and over. How long had I been wanting him to say something like that? But at what cost? Sam's face, his shock, his hurt replayed over my eyelids as I tried to go back to sleep. I couldn't sleep away this pain. Not any more than Jake can "I love you" his way out of this betrayal. Did he love me? Was I wrong about Cat? Did he love me because he imagined her? Or was he love bombing? Grasping at straws to hold on to something?

Why was it so hard for me to believe that he could just love me?

How would we continue on tour, continue living in such a confined space? 

Why hadn't I listened when Cat told me to avoid this?

Cat.

I rolled over and laid with my face in the pillow until I heard a soft knock on my van door. It was only then that I realized I had spent all day in my bed. I sighed and sat up, sliding to door open to see Lilianna, Beth, and Cat. They all piled into my small bed and hugged me without saying a word. I laid in Lilianna's lap and cried. 

"We love you, Brooklyn." Cat whispered from where my feet were laying. "No matter what, we love you." 

I sat to look at her face, still naturally strikingly beautiful. She gave me a soft, hesitant smile, unsure of where she stood with me. I smiled back. Even if everything with Jake had been imagined as her in my place, even if he was truly in love with her, she couldn't help that. It was only right then in that moment, looking in her eyes, puffy with her own emotion, that something really clicked. 

She was the kind of person he would fall in love with.

It made sense. It always did, from the first day. I knew when I saw her face during spin the bottle, his eyes full of rage when Sam kissed her. I knew when he sang Cherry Wine right at her, knew when he would watch her, when he would take any opportunity to touch her. I knew all along and I still liked to believe it could be me. For once I wanted it to be me. But it never really was. It was a game to him and I was a pawn. She is the prize. She has always been the prize. I couldn't blame her for that. It's just who she is.

She saw the pieces click into place for me and she wrapped me in her arms. "I love you." She repeated. "No matter a guy, no matter what, I love you." She whispered in my ear.

I raised my head to look at her. "I love you."

There was silence between us as I mustered up the courage to ask what I really wanted to ask. To say what I needed to say.

"Do you love him?"

"Brooklyn, I..." She trailed off and looked in my eyes. I saw the confliction in her eyes. I saw the pain. She did and she didn't even have to say it. 

"It's okay. If you love him, go for it. Really." I grabbed her hands and nodded. Her eyes welled with tears, threatening to spill. 

"I would never do that to you." She said, shaking her head.