Kiss The Sun

Chapter 23

I wish I could say things got better, but after another month of shows, Cat had only gotten worse. We were now a little over two months in to tour, unbelievably different than when we left. Cat never allowed her craziness to affect the show. She would style everyone kindly and then drink until her hearts content. She would tell anyone anything she wanted to say and she did not apologize. She stopped trying to step on toes. She drank all day and night. She chopped her hair into a bob and added 4 more tattoos to her arm.

Josh stopped going out after shows. He started going to bars with us again. I seemed to be the only one who noticed that correlation with what Cat had said to him about Beth. But Beth and Josh still never talked. 

Neither did Jake and Cat, more than the casual conversation. Jake had seemed to spend the month in self-reflection. He didn't flirt with girls in the bar. He didn't come on to anyone. He was polite and quiet and thoughtful. 

Sam and I still hadn't defined anything. We hadn't kissed again. But his eyes were lingering. So were mine. Always there, always longing. Never saying what we mean. 

It had been a month of question and poison, some being figuratively, Cat's being literal. 

Lilianna tried to address Cat's change once in the middle of one of her drunken moods. She never tried that again. 

We had just played a show and walked out to the nearby bar. I was still wearing the white lace mini dress and oversized red leather jacket Cat had put me in. I ordered a drink and sat down. She was already on the other side of the room and already drunk. If I thought she was risqué before, it didn't compare to now. Her typical attire was some sort of lingerie top and mini skirt. Tonight, she was a little less showy in a large oversized band tee as a dress and tall, knee high boots. Her hair was slicked up into a spiky bun and her makeup looked flawless. No matter her outbursts or sudden lack of patience, self-control, and tolerance, she was stunning. No one in the bar could deny it, no one anywhere we went could deny it. She was simply the kind of person everyone noticed, especially with her new blunt chop, large gold nose ring, and striking tattoo sleeve. She downed her third shot while I admired her. 

Beth slid into the booth next to me and watched Cat, too. She didn't say anything, just sighed. A random man had come up and bought her a drink. She was giggling and tossing her head back. Even the bartender seemed entranced by her. 

"That girl can get a free drink easier than anyone I've ever seen." I commented. Our eyes didn't leave her.

"And she needs it like a hole in her head." Beth added.

It was the same night after night. Cat would get hit on, asked out, free drinks galore. She usually ended up in the bathroom with a mediocre long haired man. 

I never failed to notice the way Jake watched her with his jaw tight. The way his eyes lingered, but never interfered. I noticed the way he surveyed each man who approached her, the way he killed them with his gaze.

I knew he wanted her. I had accepted that he always had. When she spoke, he listened. He listened with a focus he only ever gave to the curves of my body. A focus that seemed now reserved for her. Who could blame him?

She was unlike anything else in the world. 

He took a long sip, his lips in a tight line, watching her laughing. She pointed to the pool table. I turned back to my drink. tonight's show had gone so well, but I didn't feel like celebrating. Though significant time had past, I still felt like we were all so close to something bad.

And I never told Cat that she was right. I never told her that I'm sorry. And it was killing me. Night after night I watched her living and dancing and mingling. And I knew deep down she wanted it to be Jake. But she felt like it couldn't happen. She was playing the facade so well, I'd almost believe she didn't care about anyone but herself.