All The Small Things

176

[Jacob POV]

After that all happened, there obviously was backpedaling in the progress he'd made. He, in general, was really upset a lot. Obviously. But on top of that, his fear of the dark got worse. He never wanted to be alone, even for a second. He was throwing tantrums more often, and he'd become a super light sleeper. So when I had work today, I was debating going or not. Luca's been really struggling, and I don't think Spade would handle it too well. But, I also have a job that directly saves people. So I called Shane. We talked for a while about what to do until he offered me an accommodation that I didn't know he could offer.

"Why don't you bring him in with you?" He suggested.
"That's an option?" I asked.
"Well, it's an option if I permit it. He obviously can't go on calls, but I'd imagine it would be easier on him if he stayed at the fire station while you worked. You know?" He explained.
"Yeah. Yeah, I get it. Thank you. I'll be there in a little bit," I agreed before hanging up and standing up off the bed, making Luca quickly sit up, still a little dazed.
"Luca, I need you to get dressed, okay? C'mon," I softly said, helping him out of bed. He groaned and let me find him clothes to wear. I gave him jeans because I didn't know if the chief cared what he wore. And I figured I should put him in jeans until I found out.
"I feel dirty," He mumbled as he got dressed.
"Do you want one my shirts?" I asked, hoping that maybe he'd feel a little better in it. He nodded almost instantly, making me worry he was starting to regress.

"I don't want jeans," He mumbled when I handed him him shoes, making me sigh.
"Luca, I'm taking you to the fire station with me. And I don't know if it would be okay for you to wear something else. So until I ask, can you get through it?" I asked. He slumped and rubbed his eyes as he started silently crying. I know he's just super sensitive right now, but it still makes me feel bad every time.
"Shh, I'm sorry. You want me to bring them in the truck in case he doesn't mind?" I offered. He nodded and rubbed his eyes before putting his shoes on.

I helped him out of the truck, his jellyfish PJ pants in the middle seat. I'd talked to him about what the fire house is like, who was working today, and what we do when we're not on a call. I opened the front door, the chief looking up at me and smiling.
"Hey, Jacob. Hi, Luca," He greeted both of us as I started clocking in.
"Hi," Luca quietly said, grabbing my hand. I led him to the room where everyone hung out. I sat down with a couple of the guys who were watching a movie, telling Luca to sit next to me. There weren't many of us today, so the guys were asking Luca questions.

We had gone on four calls before one of the other guys suddenly told me where he recognized Luca from. We were in the fire truck, on the way back to the station, and he was driving. I was in the front seat next to him.
"Oh God, I just placed where I've seen your boyfriend before!" He suddenly exclaimed at a red light.
"Where?" I asked, beyond curious.
"I swear to God I saw him like three years ago giving head to some guy," He commented.
"Really?" I asked, partially grossed out he felt the need to say that out loud to me instead of just keeping it to himself or telling his family.
"It looks just like him. I mean, I got a pretty good look at his face. If it's not Luca, it must be a long lost sibling or something," He said. I just tried to ignore his comments and forget about them when we got back to the fire station because I don't care. Even if it wasn't sex work and was just cause he wanted to give someone head in public, I don't fucking care. It's his business, it was years ago before he even met me, and I have no room to judge someone considered all the shit I've done to be able to get cocaine.

[Luca POV]

I ended up falling asleep at the table while Jacob and someone else went on a call, and the other guys were doing something. I just ended up laying my head on a table and falling asleep.

I was probably close to 17, and in my junior year of high school. My parents had been officially split for a while, but I still occasionally saw my dad. And today, he pulled me out of class. I didn't mind cause it was calculus, and I could make the work up on my own in that class. I packed my things into my backpack, grabbed my pass from the teacher, and walked down to the front office.

I'm so unbelievably ashamed to admit it, but I hoped we'd have sex... He'd been doing this stuff forever, and after a long while, I got okay with it. And then I started wanting it... I don't feel like I can say it to anyone because then I feel like I'm a whore. But I'm going to give you a general timeline on how my feelings shifted.

5-7: I really hated it
8-10: I disliked it
11-14: I didn't care
15-17: I started wanting it
18-21: I got help and was told how awful it was, reminding me how much I really didn't like it at first and how hard he had to coerce me into keeping it a secret.

Maybe it was a way for me to have control again. Like he wouldn't be able to have control over me by making me scared if I started liking it? Or maybe I just got groomed into thinking it was positive. I know that's what normally happens when a child is sexually abused over a long period of time. They're abused before they know it's wrong, so before the time they can be told about it, they've already been dealing with the assault for years and started to get accustomed to it and started to enjoy it. Because they didn't know any better. And I might've been able to apply that to myself if I didn't know it was wrong when I was little. Except I did... But at the same time, when I tried to tell Momma about it, nothing happened. So maybe it is kind of like that. Whatever. I can't think about it anymore, or else I'll really freak myself out.

I walked out of the building with him, got in his truck, and let him drive while we talked. About school, about what I've been doing, about my friends, and mostly about me. The whole conversation makes me cringe when I look back on it.
"You have any girlfriends?" He asked.
"No. But I don't really want one," I mumbled, which piqued his interest. I knew it would. I knew he liked it when I said I only wanted him. Directly or indirectly.

Before I got any further, I woke up from Jacob shaking me gently, but I still jumped. I felt dirty and disgusting and like a liar. I didn't know how much longer I could keep it to myself that I started eventually liking it, but I also wanted to keep that inside me. Keep it deep down, in the darkest parts of me that will never, ever even be referenced. It felt like a pit in my stomach, making me feel nasues.
"C'mon hun. You ready to go home?" He asked, making me nod. I don't know how long I slept. I managed to get out to the truck, buckled in, and 10 minutes down the road before I had to say it. I couldn't make myself stop; the words forced their way out of me. It was silent, and I subconsciously had convinced myself he knew, and I had to come clean. The guilt was genuinely eating me.
"Iusedtolikewhathedidtome," I blurted out, shocking myself both by how quickly I managed to say it and by the fact I formed that sentence.

For a single second, I felt releif wash over me. I had said it and gotten it out of he way, so now it was fine.
"What?" Jacob asked, pausing at a stop sign. Then it all came rushing back. Not guilt; shame. That's all I felt.
"Not this last time. I didn't want it. O really didn't want it! And I didn't want it when I was little. But I started liking it when I was like 16 and I'm sorry!" I exclaimed, hoping with every fiber of my being that he wouldn't hate me if I apologized enough. It felt like life was in slow motion until he said anything. I was dizzy and felt sick again.
"Luca, that's normally what happens," Jacob told me, making me start crying. It wasn't because of what he said. It was because I was so relieved. I felt like I could suddenly breathe, and for a second, all I could do was apologize.

"Baby, come here," He softly whispered, pulling over to the side of the road. I clumsily unfastened my seatbelt and climbed into his lap, resting my head on his chest so I could hear his heartbeat.
"Luca, it's so important to me that you understand this. When a 5 year old gets groomed by their dad and nobody stops it, they start to like it. Either because they don't know why it's wrong or because nobody was doing anything. Because the only way for their brain to protect itself was by making it enjoyable," He explained, running his fingers through my hair. "That's what you had to do to get through it, baby. I'm not mad at you. I'm not shocked. I'm not scared. I'm not disgusted. I'm not embarrassed. And I'm definitely not going to think of you any differently," He firmly assured me.

"Hold me..." I whispered as he unlocked the apartment.
"Aw, come here. My little baby," He cooed, locking the front door before scooping me up and making me hold onto him.
"You gotta eat," He mumbled, carrying me into the kitchen. I didn't feel like I deserved to eat, but I didn't say anything. I still felt guilty and ashamed about my feelings. I know I stopped liking it a while ago, but part of me was wondering if maybe the reason he did it this most recent time was because I used to like it. So, in a way, maybe it is my fault. I don't know. I just know I wanna go to bed.