Flicker | ✔️

Chapter 32: Cale

Her lips are soft, like trickling honey running from a beehive, and sweet, like vanilla ice-cream. The longer I kiss her, the more I want it, her, everything she is, and everything she will be. What initially enacted the kiss is something I am completely void to. There she was, scolding me as I hesitated to tell her more about myself and as she looked at me, her amber eyes glowing with anger and her brown brows furrowed, my body moved on its own and all of a sudden we were kissing.

It started with a simple brush, until our lips fully collided, locked with passion and curiosity and now here we are. I find myself caught in this trance which I can't move away from, it simply lures me further and deeper into this black hole with no space, time or gravity; you just keep on falling further in forever.

She places her arms on my chest as if to push me away but she doesn't. I feel my grip around her waist tighten, bringing her hips closer to mine, our bodies now stuck together and I can feel the heat oozing out of her cheeks as we kiss.

My eyes are closed shut but I can see all sorts of colors wandering in my mind as I kiss her; red, turquoise, pink, green, blue. Colors I normally never see in my daily life which is filled with blacks and greys.

She slowly backs away and I let her, breathing as much air as possible. I feel my heart thudding against my ribcage as I take a good look at her. Her cheeks are flushed and her chest is moving up and down frantically, desperately trying to catch air.

Her eyes convey a thousand messages which I am barely able to grasp as they all come flooding towards me at the same time. Some say she's attracted, others are angry, others confused but most are gentle as they look into mine.

"Cale... Why did you do that?" She asks once her breathing becomes normal again, her eyes looking directly into, no hint of shame or shyness in them as she asks although her face is still flushed.

Why did I do that?

"I... don't know." I reply, unsure of what I want, where I thought this would take me.

She looks at me in silence and instantly the look on her face tells me she's hurt.

What have I done?

"Well next time, I'd like it if you'd refrain from kissing me out of nowhere. Especially... Like that." She says, lowering her eyes in the end, not of embarrassment, but in sorrow and pain.

She turns to walk away and I hurry to restrain her by gently holding her back by her arm.

"I- I don't want to hurt you! I- I'm just confused by my feelings right now and I'm not sure I... I just want you to know that I do care about you." I say messing up what I want to say and what I should say as verbal diarrhea just comes flooding out of my mouth.

She smiles at me but it's a sad smile.

"That's the second time you tell me you care, but you can care about friends and you can care about lovers. Honestly, with you I can't tell the difference." She says quietly, her smile fading and her gaze faltering.

In that moment, as I see her in this state of profound confusion, I feel pain too. I don't want her to feel hurt. I don't want her to return home to cry all night because of my stupid actions.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry." I keep repeating and repeating in a very frantic and upset way as my voice wavers. I feel tears start to come to my eyes.

My eyes widen in surprise. I'm crying? When's the last time I've cried? Memories of Daisy come into mind and I immediately hold Maya close to me, almost as a reflex. Her back arches towards me as I hold her even tighter yet still trying my best not to squeeze her too tight. I see her silver hair move with the wind as I hug her.

"Don't leave me. Don't leave me." I keep on telling her as my tears start to drown her shoulder, bending down to hug her.

Then she lifts one hand to pet my hand and the other one to return my hug fully.

"Please let me help you..." She says against my ear, her voice stuffy and it's in that moment that I know she's crying.

I break our embrace to look at her face. Tears are very well there are they stream down her face.

"Wh-Why are you crying?" I ask unable to stop mine but stifling out a little laugh or cough, or a mixture of both.

She brings a hand to her face, vainly trying to wipe away her tears but they only flow down even more.

"I don't know. I guess I saw you were crying and I simply started crying too. But it made me very very happy that you could depend on me. Even if it was for just a little moment. And hopefully one day, you'll be able to fully trust me and then I can finally..." She says smiling but she finishes off with a sobbing face as she continues to sniffle. "... Finally let me help you."

And she just lets her tears loose.

Don't cry.

Maya, don't cry.

"Either way... I should go away." She says wiping away her tears and giving me a small sympathetic smile.

She walks away and I find my body colliding with the ground as I lay down in the grass, looking up at the sky and stars between the two tree leaves.

I know she's gone.

Fuck.

Why do I always screw things up for myself and others?

I have two choices. Be with Maya romantically or not. But life isn't that easy. There are several different criteria and information not to be avoided and excluded. If I decide to go out with her that means not only being more liable to be hurt but also I will most definitely hurt her. She's fragile and I just happen to be someone clumsy. If I don't go out with her, I'll be miserable, I'll probably regret it but it'll save me much more pain for later when I go, because I will end up going with Jack. How far, I'm not yet sure, but far.

If I don't go out with Maya, it'll hurt her now, but it will be much less pain than in a year.

Fuck!

I immediately raise my fist and throw it back down on the ground. I raise my other arm to cover my eyes. What if I fall asleep here? What if I just disappear?

Will it make things better?

---

Everything goes perfectly well until it's just not. How sad... I hope they get past this little confusion.

He still has time before he goes so it angers me that he still thinks about that but then again it's just an excuse to hide the fact that he can't really to commit to girls after his mother betrayed his trust and so did Daisy and I guess his strike was 2 instead of 3.