You, Me, and All The Spaces In-between

CHAPTER 42

After our chat at Mr. Cone's, school pretty much went back to normal for me and my friends. With a few beneficial changes.

For one, Martin and Ky sat with us at lunch for the rest of the week. Sometimes Lucy joined us, too, but none of us minded. It had never been about her specifically, and now that everything was cool, I found I liked her a lot. She was funny, and smart, and she had great taste in music.

And two, I was no longer bothered by Tyson, Bryce or anyone else on the football team. I didn't know what Cash had said, or done, but for the first time in a long time, I could walk the halls of Grammarville completely unworried about being harassed.

Which lead me to the only real downside: Seeing the man himself. It was downright painful, watching Cash walk the halls with his friends, sitting at the back of the cafeteria, slacking off in English class. He seemed so effortlessly unbothered by everything; when I was in his line of sight, those brilliant eyes just skipped right over me, like I was anyone else.

And maybe I was. Maybe, despite everything, I was just another person to him again.

Which was fine. I just needed time to completely get over him. It'd take a few weeks, probably. Or months.

No big deal at all.

But for the time being, I distracted myself with homework and hospital visits, hoping that if I was determined enough, then one day, my heart would stop jumping when I caught a glimpse of golden hair and blue eyes.

It was actually going reasonably well, too, until lunchtime on Thursday, when Casey Truman dumped her purse on the table and sat beside me in the library.

"Um..." I said, clearing my throat, "hi?"

"Hi." Casey sighed loudly and ran a hand through her hair. "Oh my god, is that coffee?" Her eyes landed on a travel mug I had nearby. "Can I have some?"

"Sure?" I pushed it slowly across the table.

Casey gulped it down quickly, then set it back down with a grateful sigh. "Thanks. You have no idea what kind of day I've had."

I didn't know what to say, so I just shifted awkwardly in my seat.

"Right." Casey turned to me, fixing me with a quizzical brow. "So, what's going on with you and Cash?"

I was unable to keep my mouth from falling open as I gaped at her.

"I-Ah-Um...Excuse me?"

"Please." She flicked a blonde curl from her eyes. "I know, okay? And I know he's miserable now, so what happened?"

"Did he..." I fought to find my voice. "Did he tell you...?"

"No, but he didn't need to," Casey said. "I saw you guys a few weeks ago, in the hallway. Things made a lot of sense after that." She smiled meaningfully with her perfectly glossed lips.

"Is he..." I hesitated. "Is he really that unhappy?" He certainly didn't seem like it. He'd drunk called me that one time, but there wasn't a single thing about him now that seemed to suggest he was anything other than perfectly fine.

Casey sighed. "He likes to pretend he isn't. But I can tell." She wrinkled her nose. "We might not have made the healthiest couple, but he's still my friend. I still care about him. And I want him to be happy."

She smiled at me then, and I felt my nerves settle for the first time since she'd sat down. "So tell me...What happened between you guys?"

I contemplated refusing to answer; after all, could I really trust Casey? Maybe she was trying to extract details from me so that she could use them against me. But that seemed like a bit of a stretch, and besides, I was tired of worrying about what other people thought.

So I said, "We...didn't work out."

Casey leaned closer, her perfume wafting over me. "Why not?"

I stared at the tabletop. "We had to hide our relationship from his friends. And I get it, I do, but...I couldn't stomach the pretending anymore. The insults...I knew they were his way of covering it up, but it felt too real for me."

Casey's gaze softened. "I get it. Bryce and Tyson can be..."

"Awful dickheads?" I supplied bluntly.

She huffed a laugh. "Yeah. You could say that." She glanced over her shoulder, then turned back to me. "When I lost my grandma, Tyson and Cash were my rocks. I couldn't have gotten through it without them. And when Cash's Dad and Mum started arguing...Tyson and Bryce were at his house everyday, making sure he got out of bed, showered, ate something..."

My eyes widened. "I...I had no idea."

"What I'm saying," she continued softly, "is that we've all been through a lot together. And when you grow up with people, it makes it hard to stop making excuses for them. Even when they do things you don't like, even when they become people you don't recognise...You want to believe that they're still good people. You know?"

"Yeah," I muttered, still staring at the tabletop. "I get that."

"I'm not saying it's an excuse," she finished. "But I don't want you to hate him for it."

"I just..." I felt tears spring into my eyes, and I fought them back furiously. "I just don't think it's possible." My voice dropped into a pained whisper. "Him and I."

"I think," Casey mused, reaching across to take my hands, "that he's miserable without you. So even if you decide you can't forgive him...I think he needs closure." She gave my hands a squeeze, then withdrew her own and stood from the table, gathering her purse.

"It's was nice talking to you, Alyx." Casey winked and then turned on her heel, and I watched with a mixture of awe and shock as she walked away.

I felt dazed, like everything was a little surreal. Like the last ten minutes hadn't been quite real.

But I was strangely glad they were.

- - - -

That night I sat at my desk, staring blankly at my laptop screen.

The words 'English Reflection' were at the top of the page, and nothing else. Writing this assignment was proving more difficult than I'd thought.

'Throughout this assignment,' I began, typing slowly, 'I learnt...'

Ugh, what had I learnt? Too much. Not enough.

'I learnt that Cash Smith is an exquisite kisser,' I wrote jokingly. 'I learnt that I'm totally awful at break-ups. I learnt that I cry a lot more than I used to. I learnt that...that...'

And then I was crying. Tears were filling my eyes and streaming down my cheeks, and I was just typing, typing until my vision was too blurred to see.

Then I wept at my desk, burying my hands in my face, letting all the pain and disappoint wash over me. I thought of Cash's smile, his laugh, his eyes, his blonde hair and stupid football jersey, his plain bedroom and bright red car, the feel of his skin beneath my fingers, the touch of his kiss on my neck.

And for the next hour, I wept and wept.

- - - -

At 10:30, I crawled into bed with red, puffy eyes and fell asleep.

I'd sent Mr. Reiner my reflection ten minutes earlier; it had simply read: 'Throughout this assignment, I learnt that people really can surprise you. And that you can surprise you. I learnt that sometimes, the things you want can be yours. And sometimes they're only yours for a short time. And while you might want to hold onto those things longer, you can't. Some disappointments are inevitable. No matter how much you wish they weren't.'