Clouding My Judgement

65

Theo didn't go home for Easter. He stayed. Stayed at uni, the accommodation, the city. He didn't want to leave. He didn't want to miss her coming back.

He also didn't want to go home. He didn't want to go back to that house where his parents and sister stayed. The same house his parents barely spoke to him and were too busy with work to even talk to their kids about their day. The same house where his older sister resided but was barley home. She was always out with her friends. Ever since her breakup with her ex she didn't spend much time at home. The same house that was built for a family but instead strangers who were related simply by blood resided.

Theo knew no one had even noticed he didn't return for the break between term two and three. They were all too busy. Too busy to care about anyone but themselves. They didn't even text or call him to ask where he was. He was alone. He liked being alone. Well he did. He used to glide through life without needing anyone. He thought he knew himself. He thought he knew how to survive by himself. He thought he didn't need anyone, until he met her. He needed her. He wanted her next to him all the time, for her just to be close.

He wanted her. He didn't know as what but he knew he needed her by his side. He wanted her there.

Yes, when he first met her she was pain in the ass and all they did was argue, but as the months went by he couldn't deny he was intrigued by her. He'd never admit it. He busied himself by sleeping with other girls, football, drinking and smoking. But when none of that worked he was left with his thoughts, his thoughts of her. And now she was on his mind all the time. It infuriated him. But he couldn't help it. He couldn't help but let her cloud his judgement.

He couldn't tell her properly what was going though his head. He didn't even know himself. He couldn't explain what he was feeling, what he wanted. He just knew it was her.

He didn't know why he said that he liked her, when he didn't know what he really felt, he just knew he wanted her and needed her there. He couldn't explain it. He just couldn't. Coming from a family that barley hugged besides for family portraits, he wasn't good at expressing his feelings.

He always said the wrong things, made reckless choices. Evidently by how he treated Naomi, how he got pissed when Seb asked her to be officially friends with benefits infront of him in the laundry room, when she let Seb clasp the 'S' necklace around her neck, shoving it into his face that she wasn't his and instead someone else's. The way Seb held her at his football match, the way Seb kissed her in the courtyard infront of everyone on Halloween irritated him.

He couldn't commmunicate what he was feeling. How all those events annoyed him, hurt him. He left it all inside. But he let it brew and that was his worst decision yet. He finally let it all out, but it came out in the form of anger. He took it all out, but on her. He hurt her, and he disrespected her. He used something she trusted him with and shoved it back in her face. He knew getting on her good side would be hard after that. He even hated himself for what he did to her.

He knew deep down she'd never bring up his sister in an argument, so why couldn't he not hurt her for once.

Then when he did apologise to her, he couldn't find the right words. His thoughts were clouded by lust and passion. And that's how he communicated how he was feeling in the moment. How sorry he was, but also how much he wanted her.

When she was in that room with him that night at his football celebratory party, he couldn't help but kiss her. He couldn't help but want her. He wanted her all to himself, for her to never stop him. For her to not push him away and them to see where the night took them. He didn't know how far he would of gone but he knew that in that moment he didn't want to stop.

He kept Ollie and Elijah up to date to let them know what was going on. He told them that he was staying at his accommodation to wait for her. He didn't tell them about his family. No one needed to know that side of him.

The boys stressed to him how important his conversation with Naomi was going to be. They told him he had to know what to say. He had to tell her everything. He had to apologise. He had to make sure she was okay. He had to not push her to want to be with him if she wasn't ready.

But most importantly he told himself that he needed not to fall into the trap of kissing her again. He needed to think with his head and not his dick. He couldn't kiss her because he didn't know if he would be able to stop once he connected their lips once again. He couldn't help but think about how her lips matched his. How when they connected it just felt right. How they both forgot about everything else in that moment. He didn't know whether he would allow her to walk away from him again. He didn't want her to be anyone else's.

He tried to busy himself with coursework and practicing his football but nothing was helping. All he thought about was her. He went to the gym and swear he saw a girl who looked just like her. He went food shopping and thought he saw her in the fruit and veg isle. He went jogging and swear he saw her in the park. But it wasn't her. It never was. He missed her.