mind, body, and soul | lee felix

thirteen

Looking up, I wipe my face and take a deep breath. I lean back in my chair and stare up at the ceiling. I can hardly make sense of all the thoughts in my head; it's a like a tornado up in my mind.

After a few moments, one thought has been dominating my head. I need to find Felix. 

I stand up and grab my shoes, practically running out of the door. I have to find him. Now.

I think I remember the way to his apartment. I'm running along the sidewalk, sprinting as fast as I can when I see his building. I go the elevator and anxiously press the button multiple times, wishing the damn machine was faster. The doors finally open to reveal Jisung.

He's obviously not expecting anyone to be in the lobby at this time. Jisung's mouth falls open slightly and he stares at me before recovering and shooting me a smile.

"Hey," he says, stepping out of the elevator. Jisung's eyebrows furrow at my appearance. For the first time, I realize that I must look a mess. I just spent the last fifteen minutes crying my heart out, and it's 2 am. Seriously, I must look like I came from hell or something.

Jisung raises his hand and lightly pats the top of my head, smoothing down some hair.

"You here for Felix?" He asks, focused on taming my unruly hair. I nod a little, unsure of whether to move around him or wait until he's done. Before I make a decision, though, Jisung steps aside and gestures for me to step into the elevator. He gives me a sad smile.

"We should talk later," he says, running a hand through his hair. For the first time since I've met Jisung, he doesn't look put together or happy. He looks distraught and a little miserable. Are those bags under his eyes? "I have some things to tell you, if that's alright."

Nodding, I wave as the elevator doors close. I'm sure I won't see him again, especially if tonight with Felix goes how I think it will. But Jisung doesn't know that.

The elevator opens at Felix's floor, and I walk down the hall to his door. I hesitate, my hand hovering just over the doorbell. I really haven't thought this through enough. Blinking rapidly and internally cursing my stupidity, I turn to leave when the door opens. 

I close my eyes and sigh, turning to see Felix. He's staring at me, one hand still on the door. I swallow and look at him, screaming at myself to walk away. Felix lets go of the door and takes a step forward, into the hallway and only a few inches away from me.

Felix lifts his hand and gently traces the shape of my cheek, a ghost of a touch.

"Why were you crying?" He whispers, his thumb rubbing against the tear trails on my face. I close my eyes softly, debating whether to tell him what I know. "Hey. Look at me, angel." I open my eyes and look up at him. His eyes soften and he pulls me closer to him by my waist.

Slowly, as if giving me time to pull away, Felix wraps his arms around me and rests his chin on the top of my shoulder. I bring my arms up, placing my hands around him and leaning into his warmth. Felix breaths out heavily and drops a kiss onto my shoulder.

He walks us backwards, closing the door with his foot as he brings us into his apartment. Felix pushes me into the wall gently, not moving from where he is. He takes a deep breath before speaking softly.

"Angel, you don't have to say anything if you don't want to, but I want to know if you trust me." Felix pulls away a little to make eye contact with me. His eyes search mine as he asks, "Do you trust me?"

My lips curve into a little smile and, with confidence I didn't know I had, pushed onto my toes to brush his lips with mine. Leaning back, I keep eye contact with him.

"Yes." Felix lets out a big sigh; I hadn't known he had been holding his breath. He leans his forehead against mine and closes his eyes.

"Do you remember?" he asks, his voice cracking involuntarily throughout the sentence. My heart squeezes at the emotion in his tone.

"A little. I think the necklace- it-" Felix's head jerks up at that. His eyes widen and he lets out a small, unbelieving laugh. 

"The necklace makes you remember?" A blush spreads across my cheeks and I duck my head. It does sound dumb when you think about it. Felix cups my face in his hands, shaking his head.

"No, no. Don't be embarrassed. Never be embarrassed with me, okay? I wasn't laughing at you. It's just-" Felix breaks off, trying to figure out the best way to say it. "I had it made for you before. Well, made for us."

Felix grabs my hand and brings me to his couch, sitting me down and going to get something. I hear him moving around for a few minutes before he comes back. He's holding a black velvet box, twin to the one I have at home.

He opens the box to show a necklace, but it's not like the one I have. Instead of intertwined angel wings, this pendant is a silver circle with an engraving of two hands making a pinky promise. Felix flips the pendant over to show one word in latin: "meminerunt". 

"Yours finishes the saying. The full phrase is 'meminerunt omnia amantes', which means lovers remember everything. I got them made for us when-" Felix stops talking, glancing up at me. "How much do you remember?"

I'm still staring at the necklace, so I'm a little delayed in my answer.

"Ah, not a lot, I guess. I only have two memories, and even then, they're a little confusing." Felix nods. His fingers play with the pendant as he stares down at the couch. We sit in that uncomfortable silence before Felix breaks it once more.

"Do you still love Emily?"