mind, body, and soul | lee felix

twenty four

As I watch Felix's face fall, I curse myself over and over. You could pretend for the next two days. You could give him hope, let him think you could have a happily ever after.

Jisung takes a step back, leaving the room subtly. I don't think Felix noticed, but I watched as Jisung's eyes brightened with tears. He knows as well as I do that Felix was living in a fantasy world, but neither of us wanted to say anything.

I look back to Felix, immediately regretting it. There's one tear slowly making its way down his cheek, but I don't reach out to wipe it away. I don't have that right anymore.

"It's your decision," he whispers, not taking his eyes off of me. It seems like he's trying to convince himself of that, more than telling me. My heart shatters into pieces when he cups my face ever so gently, like he'd break me.

"Thank you for telling me," Felix says, taking a deep breath and closing his eyes. "Thank you for being honest."

I swallow hard, my throat burning and closing up. I hate that I have to do this to him. I hate seeing him breaking like this. 

Please, I beg him silently. Go back to how you were when we met. Be sarcastic and rude and not caring. Please.

"When I first saw you again, walking into the store, I almost couldn't believe it. Everything was the same, and somehow, everything was different." Felix's eyes were closed, reliving that day all over again. "I know I probably freaked you out, but I couldn't believe that you were there."

"I had to check your pulse to check if you were real. Because standing in front of me, looking like you always have, you felt like an angel to me." Felix takes one of my hands and places it on his chest, resting over his heartbeat. His eyes are still closed.

"When we met, I didn't have a heartbeat or a pulse. Once I was thrown out of heaven, they had to give me a heart in order to live. I can literally say that my heart beats for you." Felix opens his eyes and looks at me sadly. "But I won't say that. I won't try to make you fall in love with me, especially if you're already decided against it."

Felix leans in, pressing a gentle kiss against my forehead. "Just be happy, yeah?"

He pulls away, wiping his cheek with the heel of his palm and stepping towards the door.

"I'm going to go for a walk," he says in a small voice. "I'll be back later." I nod, biting my lip to keep the tears from falling. Once he shuts the door behind him, I slide down the counter, burying my face in my arms and folding myself into as small of a ball as I can.

I sob quietly, letting the weight of the past few days wash over me. It's too much; everything I've ever known is going to change, again. All because I can't fall in love with someone who treats me like a literal angel. Pathetic.

A pair of arms wrap around me hesitantly, and Jisung starts rubbing my back gently. He doesn't say anything; he just lets me cry by myself. Knowing that he's there, sitting next to me, is the best comfort he could offer.

After a while, I slowly lift my head up. I know my face is puffy and that I look a mess, but there's nothing that I can do about that right now. I take a halting breath, looking up at Jisung. 

His eyes are bright from crying, and his eyebrows are pulled together; his concern for both me and Felix is radiating off of him. He smiles weakly at me, pulling me in a tight hug.

"It's okay," he reassures me, rubbing my back again. "It's the truth." I fight the knot in my throat, struggling to hold back even more tears. I wish it wasn't.

"Is he going to be okay, you think?" I hiccup quietly, proof of how hard I cried earlier. Jisung just shakes his head sadly.

"He lost everything for you, and now he's about to lose you again. I don't think anyone would ever be okay." Jisung rubs my shoulder. "Honestly? I think he's going to be broken for a while."

I look down, hating myself for not being able to hide my feelings any longer. Of all the things to say to Felix, of all of the ways to break it to him, this has got to be the worst one. 

Jisung pats my shoulder gently before pulling a box out of his pocket. It's familiar, but I don't try to place it. Everything has a sense of deja vu now, especially when it's connected to Jisung or Felix. 

Jisung nudges my hand with it, placing the box into my palm. I look closer at it; it's the necklace box from Felix. 

"What? How did you-" I turn over the box, surprised that he had it with him. Jisung shrugs self-consciously.

"Felix asked me to hold it until we finished flying." I groan internally; we didn't even get to do that together. "He wanted to make sure it was safe, but I think you should have it back now. In case-" Jisung breaks off, letting the sentence linger. 

I trace my finger along the velvet box, debating over whether I should open it again or leave it closed. Am I really strong enough to see another memory without running back to Felix?

Jisung covers my hand with his, causing me to look up at him. He shakes his head, gently but firmly.

"You don't have to open it if you don't want to. You don't even have to keep it. But you should always have the option. It's yours."

I nod, staring back down at the necklace. This has gotten me into more trouble than I thought it would. Loving Felix has gotten me into places I don't know if I want to get out of. The only question is, is it worth it?