Feelings On Paper

I almost broke that night...

I could not sleep that night...

Your arms were around me,
you snored so loudly the cats didn't even want to sleep with us.

You shifted in your sleep every so often,
kicking and humming and drooling.

The thoughts were loud that night...

The screaming was constant in your deadly silent room,
the lights blinded me even with the darkness around us.

Everything hit me as if it were my doing
as if my own misfortune was my fault.

The voices told me all of it, I deserved...

The unwanted touch,
the dreams turned sour,
the terror,
the end...

I could not breathe as you laid next to me,
slumber being so kind to you.

I wondered what you dreamed about,
I touched your face--
you seemed to be content even in your sleep.

She screamed out to me,
telling me this was a mistake,
that I did not deserve happiness,
that you were too good for me.

She throws a tantrum every time your touch lays on mine,
cursing the day I was born,
praising your patience for being with me,
but agonizing at the thought of having to deal with me.

She's so loud...
so loud...

I feel her in my heart,
quickening.

I feel her in my lungs,
inbreathing.

I feel her in my stomach,
nauseating.

Your eyes open,
still half asleep.

Your hand travels around my waist,
and your lips to my temple.

I don't think you remembered the gesture,
I don't think you knew I was about to cry.

Your conscious met with your subconscious and decided,
"She's here, that's all that matters,"
as you placed your head on my shoulder,
and went back to sleep.

She has stopped screaming,
the lights are not blinding me,
the silence welcomes me in,
and I fall into a dream of you.