Bad Love- a Riddle love triangle

Platonic

October fourth

He was appearing in my dreams recently. I would be happy, alone. And he would be there. And maybe that's why I felt happy, and that's maybe why I felt safe, but none the less, he was there. 

And he would smile, and we would dance around the kitchen to the old record player in the corner, in that dammed house I hadn't been to since that summer. And the two of us would be there, together, pretending to be adults, pretending like we knew what we were doing, escaping to that cottage. That beautiful cottage. I was sure his things were still there, the books we read, the paint we splattered on each other, the light from outside, all the plants, everything. 

The memories. 

And they were coming back to me in dreams, and I liked it. I liked being in a world where it was just us. 

But I was with Mattheo now, and remembering when Tom and I were together was not a good thing for our relationship. But I don't see how he could find out. 

Tom and I, we were going to get married, runaway even. As long as we had each other. Because that summer the two of us became so close, I will to this day claim that it was my first time being in love. Because the way it felt when I was around him, when my hips were against his, when he would carefully touch me, as if I could be broken, when he would treat me like I was special and when our lips would meet, finally free of the limitations around us. We could and would do anything we liked, stayed in bed until three pm, but not asleep the night before until 2:30, having been watching the stars. And when our bodies pressed together, wanting to be as close as possible, it was beautiful, because he was gentle with me, and it was love, not just sex. He had me memorized, as I did him. And being together, sleeping in his arms, me in one of his dress shirts and his bare chest against me, being wrapped in his arms, it made spending the rest of our lives together a dream. 

And I miss him, so dearly. And I can't pretend I don't. But sometimes when those nights come back to me, I wish it was Tom I was lying with, not Mattheo. 

He wasn't coming back though. And I know I will have a future, without him. And I needed to tell Mattheo what I was feeling. But I'd wait. Because for the time being, I wanted to enjoy these dreams. 

-

October 23rd

It was the anniversary of his death today, and the mood was felt all throughout our dorm room. But it wasn't the stay in bed crying, sort of mood, more the I wish he was here, and there will always be space for him to come back. 

"I miss you" I whispered, sitting on the window sill at 12:01 this morning. And in that moment, when the wind wrapped around me, I felt that it was him, being there for me. 

"Are you ok?" Mattheo mumbles at me still half asleep. Pansy would usually sleep with Draco, or in Mattheo's empty bed so Mattheo could sleep with me. I shake my head and tears start to fall down my face, but I stay by the window, until the tears end. It was so hard, loosing your best friend so soon. And I knew it needed to be done. I needed to tell Mattheo. 

"Mattheo, I need to tell you something" I say softly. 

"What is it love" Mattheo asks sleepily sitting up. 

I walk over the bed and sit on the end of it. 

"That summer, with Tom, was the best I ever had. I loved him, I really did. And the two of us were together, physically and emotionally, and he was my first, and I love him, so so much. And the memories been following me around in my dreams, the memories of that summer, that meant so much to the both of us." 

"You had sex with him?"

"Yeah"

He inhaled sharply, but that's not the part that was supposed to annoy him. So I continue. 

"I love him, and Mattheo I think we both knew that going into this. But I love you too, as my best friend. As the person that I've spent the last ten years of my life with. I don't want to loose you, but I knew you needed to know. Because I love you, maybe platonically and not romantically, but I love you." I say. 

"Everywhere I've touched you, he's touched you first" Mattheo says biting his lip. 

I nod and a tear silently runs down my face. 

"And you believe, the other half of you, your soulmate, the one you're supposed to be with romantically is him, not me" Mattheo says. 

"Mattheo I-"

"Fuck" He says cutting me off and a tear runs down his cheek. I've only seen him cry a few times. And it shattered me. 

"Mattheo I love you" I say softly. 

"I love you Rose." Mattheo says taking my hands in his. 

I lean forward and kiss him, kiss the lines that tears ran down his face. I sit in his lap and wrap my arms around him, and I feel him do the same. 

"I love you so much Mattheo. And I want to grow old and have kids and live and die with you. He's not here anymore. It doesn't matter. Because I love you like the other half of me, and the two of us, we're going to have such a beautiful family and life and house and jobs and beautiful love story. Because we've gone through so much, and we deserve more then this life has given us. Stay with me Mattheo, for the rest of our lives. Please" 

He leans in and kisses me softly on the cheek. 

"Anything for you darling. I'd burn the world down to make you happy. And I want that too, you know. A family. A future. We'll start something new, I swear. Rose Riddle. Nice ring to it" 

"Rose Riddle" I repeat, the words almost familiar too me. 

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