Where We Go | Book Three

10. The Person I Imagined

The room was not corporate or like any office I'd ever seen. The walls were a deep, rich green and leafy plants dropped their vines from thick oak shelves. On one side of the room, the wall was covered by floor-to-ceiling bookcases any library would be jealous of. Soft yellow light streamed into the room from the sun that was just beginning to dip behind the clouds, circling the room with sunset colours.

"Did she decorate this herself?" I asked, following his quiet steps into the room.

He shook his head. "She hired someone when she bought the house. I believe her brief was something along the lines of 'whatever you do, don't make it feel like an Apple store.'"

I grinned. "Good taste."

He stepped carefully towards the bookcase and ran a hand over the middle shelf. Lifting his fingertip, now coated in dust, he wiped it against his trousers. 

"She never even used this office much. Usually, she stayed late at the lab. I think a part of her preferred it that way, having work and home separate..." his gaze drifted towards the desk. "This place was more for things there wasn't room for back at EDIN... or things they didn't want anyone else to see." His hands hovered over the dark wood like he was waiting for permission to touch the papers that sprawled its surface. "I remember one night when I was young, I opened the door and she shut her laptop so quickly. I thought I was in trouble, that I'd somehow done something... I should've realised it was because of what EDIN was doing. I should've realised sooner there was a reason she didn't want me to see any of it."

I still hung in the doorway, admiring the office from a distance. "You had a job at EDIN," I said. "Surely, if that was the case, your mum would've stopped you from getting a job there?"

He rested both hands against the desk as if to steady himself. "She's the one who got me the job..." he explained with a shake of his head. "I think she knew eventually I'd get curious, so she beat me to it. That way, she could put me in whatever department she wanted, away from all the secrets."

I took a step into the room. "You had no idea what was going on at all?"

"There were rumours but nothing concrete. Nothing I could've said anything about... Not that I would have anyway."

"Do you really think your mum was that secretive?"

He lifted himself and walked around to the other side of the desk. "I don't think, I know. Every day since the start of the outbreak there's been something new. Something I didn't know about." Slowly, he lowered himself into the chair. "I never pressed her on any of it because I didn't think it was any of my business. But it should've been." He slammed a hand down against the desk, his face reddening. "She should've told me." 

My stare softened as he lifted his head, his breathing slowing from his sudden outburst. His fingers moved to the open laptop, hesitating to even try and turn it on.

"Do you regret not asking?"

His attention shifted to a photo frame that stood up on the desk. From where I stood, I could only see how his eyes began to cloud, how his throat bobbed, and his fingers traced the edges of the black frame.

His voice cracked, "I just wish I knew the reason she didn't feel like she could talk to me about any of it..."

"You were still a kid," I spoke. "No parent would want that kind of burden on their child."

Tears brimmed on his lash line. "Maybe." He blinked quickly, inhaling a deep breath to try and pull himself together. "God, this is a fucking mess," he said, wiping at his eyes.

I looked at him, and saw everything; all his vulnerabilities on display, broken as the world fell apart around him. Crumbling emotions and lost hope were all that was left of the person who sat in front of me. Something twisted in my chest, sharp and painful. It tugged at my throat and stung at my eyes. The piece of me I wanted to bury had a part in this, the pain that it was causing people, the days I spent not wanting to fix it.