Where We Go | Book Three

20. Hold Onto It

My head turned but I couldn't see where the voice had come from. For a moment, I had almost forgotten. I had let myself forget. I had been a part of the crowd like nothing had changed. Like I hadn't missed a year of my life to being something everyone despised. 

Someone in front of me turned around, and there was a genuine grin spread across his face. He laughed as he raised his glass to mine and clinked them together. The sound of glass against glass was like being brought back from a hypnotism and once again, I was pretending I was one of them. I was mirroring their smiles and laughter and acting like I wasn't one serum away from killing them all.

To my left, I felt Ben's hand snake around my waist, squeezing gently. "I'm sorry," he whispered into my ear. As he leant back, his eyes sparkled in the light of the fire, the beautiful flecks of caramel gold dancing in his irises.

I shook my head, brushing it off. "It's fine."

"Are you sure?" he asked. "Do you want to go back to the hotel?"

"No," I said, resting my hand against his. "It's alright..."

From the corner of my eye, I saw Tom at the back of the crowd. He wore a dark jumper with the hood up and took slow sips from his glass. 

I nodded my head in his direction. "I'm going to go and talk to him."

Ben followed my stare before turning back to me. "You don't want to wait till tomorrow?"

"Putting it off will only make things more awkward..." I replied. "And I'd rather not be in the middle of the crowd right now."

He nodded, pressing his lips to my brow. His scent was of the wine, sharp and sweet and I inhaled deeper as I rested my forehead against his.

"Wish me luck," I whispered.

"I'll wait here..." he said, turning to look at Chris and Pilot. "And be a third wheel apparently," he cracked a smile.

Tom and Donut sat on one of the benches a good distance away from the bonfire and the crowd. The silhouettes danced in the night, the orange flames lighting their party. Tom had his head down and his elbows rested on his knees.

In his hand, he held his wine glass, twisting it around so the liquid swirled inside. My mind blanked as I approached the bench, forgetting everything I wanted to say as the distant laughter filled the night.

"Are you two enjoying the party?" I asked in a low voice.

"It's a little crowded," Tom said, taking a casual sip of wine.

"Can't deny the free booze though," Donut scoffed, lifting his glass in a toast. "All thanks to you lot making a good impression."

I smiled, acknowledging the joke as I shifted my attention. "Tom, can I talk to you in private?"

He shifted his head to Donut and gave a subtle nod for him to leave.

"I'll catch you later," Donut gave a single wave as he stood and crossed the field to join the others at the bonfire.

Tom exhaled as I sat where Donut had been. "I'm guessing you came over here to talk about earlier," he said.

I looked down at the grass. "I came to clear the air... You looked on edge all day and I'm sorry for snapping at you," I replied. "I know we've never been close, but I remember you being nice to me back in Carnelian when I turned up, even when you didn't have to be..."

He paused, turning his head the slightest movement. "How much do you remember?"

I swallowed the lump in my throat. "There are still gaps, but for the most part I remember everything."

He scoffed, exhaling a low chuckle. "I guess I don't understand anything about it."

I shrugged. "You're not the only one... I am sorry about what I said."

He took another sip from the glass that was slowly emptying. "Em, none of us deserve you," he said.

"What?"

He turned to me. "I had a moment back there and said things I had no place to say... And here you are, apologising. What are you apologising for?"

"I-"

"Because you can't apologise for being alive, or for being who you are or for standing up for yourself... And I was too stuck in my head to see that. So, it's me who should be sorry."

I met his stare. His face seemed sunken, and his eyes were heavy. "Still," I said. "I can understand why you said it." I inhaled, breathing in the cool night air, letting it fill my lungs. "I know that my being here puts all of you at risk as well. Believe me, I would do anything to live without this... burden."

He looked back to the ground. "This may be a personal question, and I apologise for being so forward... But did you ever think of..." His stare shifted and his head cocked. "...You know?"

"Ending it?"

"Yeah."

I nodded. "A few times... But being at EDIN, I was watched 24/7. I knew if I tried anything there, I'd be strapped down and forced to live anyway."

"And after EDIN?"

I looked over to the fire where Chris and Pilot stood together, and Ben stood opposite. They were all laughing. Real laughter where their smiles reached their eyes, and they held their stomachs with both hands.

"Ben happened..." I admitted quietly. "I've struggled for a long time with wanting to be someone else... To be simply nothing even. But every day with him I find a reason to keep going." I paused as Tom took another sip from his glass, taking in my words. "Believe me, I would do anything to keep you all out of this... But I need everyone. I can't do this by myself."

"I don't think any of us can do this without each other," he said.

I gave a slow nod. "We'll find the cure for those kids," I spoke quietly, and his eyes brightened for a moment. "But Ben's right, we can't tell them yet. We barely know them... We need to understand their relationship with GUN before we say anything."

His head wavered like he was somewhat nodding but also shaking his head. "You've found someone. And a good one at that... As much as I'd never tell Ben." He lifted the glass and tipped the rest of the wine into his mouth. "People lose hope because they have nothing to live for. I've seen it happen... When you find that something you hold onto it. Hold onto it like you're not going to find anything else."