Where We Go | Book Three

58. I Couldn't Survive by Myself

In the following days, Land's End was alive with activity, alive with people, alive with life. For once, the sun burned bright in the sky and only a few clouds dotted the vast, blue expanse. 

I had left Ben at breakfast, deciding meeting with Amber was a conversation best carried out alone. Even with the warmth, as I walked across the field goosebumps brushed the skin of my arms. My breath shook as I pushed open the door to the medical centre. It was the most crowded I'd ever seen it with people milling in corridors and filling the beds that had largely been empty before. It was for the best and I'd explained it to everyone. The first few days after the cure are the most unstable. It was harder to figure out what was real and what was a dream, let alone being alone in a room with those memories. It would take time, and we had endless amounts of it.

"Amber," I greeted as she sat up. "How are you feeling?"

"Better," she tried a smile. "A little strange, but better."

I lifted myself to sit at the end of her bed and she shifted her feet to allow me more room. She lifted her hand and we both watched as it trembled in the air. "I can't seem to stop it doing that," she said, shaking it out.

I returned a smile, lifting my hand. It shook as hers had done, and she seemed to relax a little with the realisation. "That makes two of us," I said.

She took a steady breath. "Does it get any easier?" she asked. In her lap, her fingers rubbed together like a habit she couldn't control. "My head... The thoughts, they don't stop."

I placed my hand over hers and she looked up, watching me. "Don't bottle it up," I said. "It does get easier."

"How do you deal with it?" she swallowed and took a deep breath. "The memories, I mean."

"I didn't deal with it very well to start with," I replied. "It was horrible, but I started taking it one day at a time and, eventually, I learnt to appreciate each one... It's overwhelming, but everyone is here to support you. And I'm here if you need to talk."

"Thank you," she barely whispered. "How are you getting on after everything?"

"I'm alright," I nodded. "But I actually came to talk to you about your sister..."

"What about her?" Amber's eyes lit up. "Did you find her?"

I shifted my stare. "Would you mind taking a walk with me?"

*

The air had shifted outside, and warmth had begun to spread across Land's End. I inhaled deeply and relished the feeling against my skin. Beside me, Amber seemed more wary. She kept her head low and flinched at each noise around us.

"You're safe," I said. "Keep focusing on that."

She nodded and followed as I began to walk across the field. I hadn't been back since it happened and a knot began to form in my stomach, my chest tightening with the words I would have to say to Amber.

"After my cure worked, I didn't want to talk to anyone," I began. "I wanted to shut myself away and punish myself for the things I did." As we walked, her head started to lift, she took notice of people and watched what they were doing. I led us towards the large tree. "Being the first one, nobody knew what to do with me, or what to say..." I continued. "I think they tried every therapy technique in the textbooks."

She turned her head to me. "What changed?"

"Your sister."

Her eyes flashed and her lip twitched. "Julia?" She turned, looking around Land's End. "Is she here?"

I placed a hand against her arm, and her brows furrowed. "This isn't an easy thing to tell you, Amber..."

"What is?" 

We stopped by the tree. The flowers at its base had grown and were bright with colour.

"Julia... She was killed protecting me."

Amber's face dropped and her knees with it. She crumbled to the ground, resting her head against the dirt.

"I'm so sorry," I whispered, hearing her muffled cries. "If it wasn't for her, I wouldn't even be cured. I wouldn't be alive... She was the only one who really listened to me, especially when everything was going on in the lab."

She lifted her head, and I heard a quiet laugh through her tears. "Yeah," she sniffled. "That sounds like my sister."

"She was an incredible person. She told me about you."

Amber scoffed. "I can't imagine it was anything good."

I knelt beside her, watching the flowers sway in the breeze. "She missed you... And she wanted to believe that you were safe."

She looked up at the tall tree in front of us. "I became Infected not long after we parted ways... I guess she was right after all. I couldn't survive by myself."

I rested my hand against her shoulder. "If it wasn't for EDIN, I believe she would've gone looking for you."

Her head shook and she felt the dirt between her fingers. "In a way, I'm glad she's not with us... I wouldn't have wanted her to see me like that. To have her know she was right."

"You're alive again because of her," I told her. "Because of the work she did."

She exhaled. "She did save me after all."

"Did you think about her much? While you were Infected?"

Amber sat back on her heels. "There was a part of me that was afraid I'd see her and not be able to control myself. The other part of me desperately wanted to know if she was alive..." she exhaled a heavy breath. "I don't think I thought about anything else."

"At least you had something to keep your focus, to keep you going every day."

"I didn't want to watch what my body was doing, so my mind had to go elsewhere. Jules was all I had to remember."

"She really did care about you," I said. "We're having a gathering later to say goodbye to everyone. Did you want to say a few words?"

Amber ran her fingers through the dirt before moving to readjust one of the flowers that was hanging lower. She exhaled and shook her head. "I appreciate the offer, but speeches were never my thing... Julia knew she was never going to get a speech from me."

*

We were gathered at the edge of the cliff. On the horizon, the sun was rising from the sea and there was a gentle breeze that wrapped around us, brushing over the gentle waves below. Each of us held a single candle with its flame fighting to stay alight from the wind. Beside me, Amber stood holding hers with trembling fingers.

"Thank you for staying out a bit longer so we could do this," Rose began, her eyes already beginning to water. Will and Lucy stood on either side of her. "I think it's important we have a chance to say goodbye and be able to move on after what's happened these last few days." She paused, taking a moment to inhale a deep breath. "We lost so many good members of our community." A tear fell down her cheek and her voice started to crack. "And I'm sorry we couldn't save more-"

Lucy put her hand on her mother's arm, nodding gently as she stepped forward. Will wrapped an arm around Rose's shoulder as Lucy continued the speech. 

"What Land's End has been through has been nothing short of incredible," she began, her voice loud enough to reach the back of the crowd. "Our strength and resilience meant that we stood up to those who challenged us, and we came out the other side." She tucked a blonde strand of hair behind her ear. "We have lost some very good people," she continued with a dip of her head. "But they will never be forgotten, and it's because of them that we came out on top. It's because of them that Land's End can thrive, and we can save so many more." 

Stepping away from Rose and Will, she trod slowly to the edge of the cliff and placed her candle on one of the large, flat rocks. 

"None of us will forget what happened here but let today be the day that moves us forward into the next chapter of our lives, into the next chapter of Land's End, and the cure."