Where We Go | Book Three

47. You and Me

Inside the cabin, the air was warmer and the fire crackled. I wrapped my arms tighter around myself, trying to calm myself down from the excitement of the evening.

"Em?" Lucy knocked on the door.

"Yeah?"

"You were amazing out there," she beamed. "I can't believe you got them all on side."

I nodded. "It was a little shaky at the start, but I think they all seem to understand. I was worried there would be more of a divide."

"It must've been a little overwhelming," she grimaced. "I've never seen everyone get that..." she searched for a word. "-Passionate," she spoke finally. "But, then again, we've never had anything like this happen before. I think they all feel part of something."

"That's all we can hope for, for now," I said.

She gave a soft smile. "I didn't know about a lot of the stuff you talked about... I can't imagine how it's all been for you and still having to deal with it. Just so you know, I really appreciate you sharing your story with us. I'm sure everyone out there would say the same."

"I think it was the right time for it... I only hope they'll all keep it quiet."

"You are safe here, Em. I hope you know that. We'll do everything we can to protect you."

I smiled. "I appreciate that. I do. But please don't make me a priority. Your people have been here longer than I have. Their lives are more important than mine. I can't let you risk anyone's life for me."

Her smile softened and she tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. "How about, for now, we hope it doesn't come to that?"

I let out a laugh. "Yeah, I like that plan."

She paused, looking to the door of the cabin before looking back to me. "Did uh... Did Ben know about any of that?"

I shook my head. "Not all of it."

"You didn't tell him?"

I scoffed. "Seems I have now."

"Why not before?"

I shook my head and met her eyes. They were beautiful and doe-like. I could see why Ben would've fallen for her once. "If I'd told him, he'd feel even more guilty than he already does."

"But he'd understand."

I hesitated, closing my hands around each other. "He was telling the truth, you know?"

"Huh?"

"When he spoke to you about me... He told you I screamed at him to kill me."

Her brows pressed together. "You heard that?"

I gave a small nod of my head. "It's true. For a moment, I didn't know I had it in me to hate him that much, but I did. I would've given anything to have life taken from me but he wouldn't let it happen... And I'm glad he didn't."

"Have you forgiven him?"

"In some ways," I said. "I could never hate him like that again. But the memories I have now, I'm never going to forget them. I see everything I did all the time and now, I can't help but hate myself for what I've done."

"Do you think that maybe it's time to talk about it all?"

The door creaked open and Ben stepped inside. His hands were pushed into the front pocket of his dark, baggy hoodie and he still hadn't removed his black beanie from the firepit. We locked eyes and Lucy took it as her cue to stand.

"Speak of the devil," she laughed. "I'll give you two some room. Thank you again for tonight, Em."

"Happy to help," I smiled as she passed Ben.

"Hi," he smirked from the doorway, closing the door behind Lucy.

I smiled, hiding my face with my hair. "Hi."

"I hope I wasn't interrupting anything?"

"No, no," I shook my head. "We were just talking about tonight."

He moved to sit in the empty seat beside me, finally removing the beanie. Underneath, his hair was tousled, his curls twisting around each other into formations I'd never seen them in before. I almost thought he looked as he had by the oak tree in Carnelian, how effortlessly apocalyptic his appearance seemed. I remembered how I'd felt then, how deeply I'd fallen for him. How similar it was to how I was feeling as he sat beside me.

"How are you doing?" he asked in a low voice.

"I'm okay," I admitted. "Better than I thought I'd be."

He gave a small nod of his head. "That was something out there. To have the guts to stand up and speak to everyone like you did, I can't even imagine it. Everyone by the fire is still speechless... Including me."

I exhaled. "Ben, I'm sorry I never spoke to you about any of it. I guess I thought that anything I said would've made you feel guilty. I just-"

"Didn't feel like you could?"

I lifted my shoulders. "I didn't want it to be both of us holding the weight... I already know you think everything that happened to me from the moment you decided to keep me alive is your fault or your responsibility but it's not. You gave me another chance."

He moved his hand to rest on mine, making small movements of his calloused thumb against my skin. "Everything you spoke about out there... The memories you have now. I can't begin to comprehend any of that. I want to help and I'm trying to be there for you, but I don't know how you're dealing with it."

I tried to smile but I wasn't sure if it even showed at all. "There are some nights when I don't even want to close my eyes," I admitted. "But sometimes, I can take a moment and look at where I was compared to how I am now and I feel like I'm a different person each time I remember... The life I have now because of everything that happened, I can do something with it. I can use it for something bigger than all of us. I want to make it count for something and I can't do it without you. I need you."

"You do?" he asked, his eyes sparkling in the low light.

I gave a small nod. "Yeah," I whispered.

He shuffled closer, his body radiating warmth like a smoky autumn campfire. He was the red season in its ever-changing colours and fiery skies. The warm jumper fresh out of the dryer and the piles of blankets ready to wrap up in. He was my cold breath of fresh air. My burning fire. My everything.

"Em," he began, running his tongue across his bottom lip. "I am obsessed with every part of you. Every breath, every shift of your body, every turn of your head. Every second, you mesmerize me."

"Ben..."

"I'm only whole when I'm with you... You have a piece of me that no one else will." He exhaled and his golden stare was unshifting from my lips. "I'm in love with you," he whispered. "I love you and I always have and I always will..."

His hair dropped onto his face and I caught a speck of dirt beside his lip. Lifting a finger, I wiped away the drop at the corner of his mouth and watched his eyes flash wider.

The smile on my lips grew. "It's you and me," I whispered.

With his hand against my cheek, he pulled me in closer as his fingers wrapped at the back of my neck. His lips hovered and, for a moment, I wondered what he was waiting for before they pressed against mine. It was the relief I needed, the satisfaction of lyrics filling an empty page and unspoken words finally said. His hands snaked around my waist, touching bare skin under my shirt. The feeling was electric, sending static over goosebumps. I was breathless as his mouth pressed harder and firmer against my lips and the pressure of his fingers grew at my neck. They moved up in my hair where he pulled gently at my scalp. I was all in and nothing else. There was nothing else. I had Ben, and I wanted to live.