Where We Go | Book Three

54. You Don't Need More Enemies

The others were already there when we returned. They swarmed when they spotted us, putting their hands against our arms and exchanging words of reassurance. I was sure I was almost completely numb, feigning a smile where I could, trying to ignore the blood and dirt that stained my palms. 

It was a miracle we were still alive, but I couldn't feel any joy or relief for being back in Land's End. Chris walked behind me, pressing a hand against my arm, and giving a single nod. It was the only exchange I wanted from anyone; the understanding we were one person short.

"Em," Pilot nodded his head, catching my attention. "Come with me."

At the front of the hotel, Will pulled Ben into a tight embrace and tears brimmed at his lashes. I stepped away, following Pilot as he walked across the field, to a space at the edge of the cliff. I'd never seen him so still before, the way he looked out to the horizon like he understood every thought in his head as if no stress had ever befallen him. 

I sat on the bench while he remained standing with his arms crossed. With a sigh, I leant forward and rested my elbows against my knees.

"I guess I should thank you," I said quietly. "For being in the right place at the right time."

He exhaled a breathy laugh. "Call it an intuition."

"Do you regret not being a minute earlier?" I dared a glance at him.

"Melanie had it coming... I'm sure you would've found a different way if it didn't happen then."

I inhaled the fresh air. It was crisp and sharp, jolting my mind. "She didn't hesitate," my voice cracked. "They didn't even listen to what she was going to say. They wanted her dead... All because they thought I was her."

"It was still Julia's decision," he said. "She chose that path for herself."

"I can't have anyone else die because of me," I admitted. "It's too much. I'm sick and tired of standing over a fresh pile of dirt with nothing but a few flowers to say someone's down there."

He turned. The grass waved in the breeze below and I watched its mesmerising dance. The grass had danced around Julia, around her body. While everything was breaking, it still grew and still moved despite it all. 

"I never imagined having to do this without Julia..." I exhaled a heavy sigh. "...Having to do anything without her for that matter. She's the only one outside of you all who understood it." My shoulders dropped and I tucked my knees to my chest, resting my head against them.

"Maybe," he replied. "But killing them won't fix what you're feeling... Take it from someone who knows."

I lifted my head. "What do you mean?" 

In the distance, the birds began to sing. It was a chorus where they sang over each other, neither of them hitting the same note. Messy and beautiful.

He lowered himself to a squat resting his elbows on his legs like a perfectly balanced bird. "Nobody knows how I ended up at EDIN alone..." His eyes glinted a flicker of warmth. "It's because I was in a situation like yours, and it's why I've brought you here away from everyone else."

I said nothing, waiting for him to say more as the heavy feeling in my chest sank further, deeper into that familiar dark pit.

He swallowed. "My partner got killed by another group. They were looking for supplies and tore our camp apart for it, and Charlie in the process... He died right beside me... and I couldn't save him." He dragged his hands down against his stubbled cheek. "The blood of someone you love should never touch your feet. It changes you, for the worst."

"What did you do?"

"What didn't I do?" he scoffed. "I tore the world apart trying to get revenge."

"Did you find them?"

He exhaled, nodding. "Every last one... And in the end, I was still left with nothing. When I watched the life leave the last person, the one who'd pulled the knife, I thought I'd feel relief or something at least... Turns out, I felt as empty as before."

"Is that when you went to EDIN?"

He gave a single nod. "I had nowhere else to go and for some unknown reason, they took me in... I know it's not what you want to hear but whatever you're thinking isn't going to make you feel any better." 

I shifted my stare to the horizon. It was the tightness in my chest I couldn't ignore, the feeling that I desperately wanted to change everything. 

"I can't tell you what's going to happen next, what GUN has planned for us, but I couldn't let you go on without telling you my side first."

"I don't know how to handle what comes next, Pilot..." I whispered, looking down at my feet. "I've never been surrounded by so many people and still felt alone. I'm nothing but scared every single day and I don't know how much longer I can go on feeling that." My head began to shake, and my fists clenched. "Every time I see one of us die, all I can think is that should've been me."

"You're looking around for something that's already in front of you..." he spoke. "Ben's still there for you, so am I, Chris, Tom. Everyone. If you try and deal with it alone, you'll only make more enemies... And trust me, you don't need more enemies."

I let myself feel the moment for what it was. Everything on the cliff seemed to move in slow motion as the birds circled above, their wings beating effortlessly against the sky. It was a moment I felt I'd missed too many of and regretted them the most when I did. I needed more of them, more moments where everything felt slower and more manageable. The cold air filling my lungs, the taste of the sea on my tongue, the wind raising goosebumps on my skin. All of it combined was the calmest I'd ever felt, even if it was only for a few hours more.

"Why do they get to live after what they did?" I pressed. "Why do they get to do that and feel nothing? They get to live their lives like they did nothing wrong?"

Pilot sighed. "There are bad people out there, I won't say there aren't. But you need to know when to end the cycle. Their anger cannot become yours because you won't be able to live with yourself. Trust me." 

I glanced over my shoulder where everyone was still gathered outside the hotel. Ben turned from a conversation, searching the field like he was looking for me. Pilot exhaled, balancing himself on the grass. 

"Em, you have to know who you are. This isn't about them anymore. You need to be able to walk away from whatever anger you've got built up for them, because you know that's not what Julia would've wanted." 

My chest pulled and my eyes began to sting. As I reached for the chain around my neck, the familiar pair of rings, it was my breathing that became ragged as I sank to the grass, collapsing in on myself. Killing GUN wouldn't fix the damage they'd already caused and erasing the serum wouldn't remove the possibility of the cure. My eyes stung at the touch and a familiar knot tightened in my stomach. Beside me, Pilot outstretched his hand. 

"We stick together," he said.

As I took his hand, and he lifted me, I believed him. There was no me and them anymore, it was only us. The weight that I'd felt for so long in my chest was lighter now and I held myself taller as I stood. The darkening night air wrapped around me, chilling my skin as we stood at the cliff edge, but I relished in it, breathing more into my lungs. 

I turned, catching Pilot's expression as he looked out to the field. His eyes were narrowed to the distance, his lips parting against pale skin as his stare focused on the other side of the field.

"What's going on over there?"

Towards the wall, everyone began to run. I narrowed my eyes, squinting into the distance to try and see what had changed. In the distance, a brilliant-coloured rocket fired into the sky, exploding into a hundred different shades of red. The air around us began to shake, and a fierce rumble erupted throughout the sky. My blood chilled as I looked up, staring at the two black helicopters flying towards Land's End