Chapter 57

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Her horse silently trotted through a forest in the dead of night

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Her horse silently trotted through a forest in the dead of night. It had been a few hours since the scouts embarked on their mission, yet her resolve never faltered. The same couldn't be said for her squad mates though - Eren was nervous, he always was when it came to his friends' safety. Occasionally, Carmen's gaze wandered to the trio to make sure all of them were okay.

No matter what, she was always on high alert. It didn't matter that titans were supposedly immobile during the night, it didn't matter that there were titans spotters on the outside of the formation, or even that they had both horses and trees just in case. As far as Carmen was concerned, the threat still lingered, despite all the precautions that they'd taken.

It was only when Mikasa finally met her gaze, that she realised she was staring a little too long. But she couldn't help it, they were her squad - her responsibility. Reluctantly, she looked away and moved her gaze elsewhere. She'd settled on glaring at the back of Erwins head for a while before eventually Levi cleared his throat beside her.

"You know, you never did tell me what he did to you." The captain said in a quiet voice, keeping the conversation strictly quiet. It was clear he'd moved forward in the formation just to bring up that point, which only meant it was going to be bothersome for her to get out of.

"I know." She confirmed, not wanting to elaborate. Her words floated in the air for a while before she finally grew uncomfortable with the silence between her and Levi. Although the two could comfortably go for hours without talking, this strangely felt different to her. It was a tense silence, as though both of them were waiting for something that was never coming.

"You told me you'd wait until after the mission before pressing me for more information." She scolded lightly, more tired than annoyed. Anger wasn't something she usually felt towards Levi, and that wasn't something that was going to change just because he was being more pushy than usual.

Reluctantly, Levi nodded. Even though he was desperate to know more, he respected her boundaries and dropped the topic within an instant. "I'll hold you to that." He replied and Carmen nodded. "Other than Erwin, I noticed you looking around quite often. You okay?"

The assassin looked at him, she didn't really have the words to describe how she was feeling, because the sensation was still so foreign to her - it was still something she was getting used to. "Back then, I was only fighting for myself, there wasn't really anything else to it." She tried to explain. "But now, I'm fighting for everyone. One screw up and I could lose everything I care about - just like last time. My recruits, my squad, my friends, you..." Her words trailed off at the thought, she could feel her blood run cold at the mere image of losing any of those things, especially Levi. "...I think this is the first time I've ever been scared." It felt odd to admit something so feeble, yet so important to her.

Levi nodded, it was as though he understood exactly what she was going through. Honestly, he probably did. He'd gone on more missions than her, and on each of them, he'd had friends, a squad, recruits - he knew her feelings better than anyone. "I won't bother telling you to calm down or to not be scared, because we both know that's bullshit." He sighed. "But I will tell you that everything you're feeling right now is completely natural - if anything, it just shows how much you've changed since we first met. Which I think is great."

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