I've been here before
I slowly looked up from my area in the corner of our room - my room with unstoppable tears constantly streaming down my face. The room had lost its colour; with him it seemed so bright and happy. However now he's gone he's taken all the happiness and colour with him. I choked a muffled sob my breath hitching as more tears fell.
But I always hit the floor
When ever emotion becomes to much this is the corner where I just sit and cry. I practically run here and throw myself to the floor to flood all the emotion out of me until I feel numb and tired.
I spent a lifetime running and I always get away.
I always find a way to avoid thinking about it, a way to distract myself. By like editing videos etc.
But I'm feeling something that makes me want to stay.
But - I don't want to forget about him completely he gave me the life I had always wanted in the period of time he knew me. I shared the best experiences with him and helped me in my lowest hours to laughing with me in my highest.
I'm prepared for this
I've spent every minute since he was gone thinking about my actions of what I'm about to do next. Matter of a fact, I'd thought about it so much that he was almost completely positive it was the correct solution.
I never shoot to miss
I would never do something with I know wouldn't work. I never do something to fail. That's why this is my options because all it could do is go the way it was planned.
But I feel like a storm is coming
I know this isn't going to get better for me; it's only going to get worse. I can sense it like a storm.
If I'm gonna make it though the day then there's no more use in running.
This is something I've got to face.
I stand up and walk towards my bathroom, there's no more point if everyday would be the same without Caspar. Caspar was the one who held be by the waist so I wouldn't fall. Im not avoiding this anymore. I'm facing it.
If I risk it all
If I risk everything. My life.
Could you break my fall?
It would be easier because I don't need to feel anything again, right?
How do I live? How do I breathe? When your not here I'm suffocating
There's no point of being alive but not breathing. There's no point of being awake if your just dead. When you left, you left me with a plastic bag over my head, so you left me unable to breathe.
I wanna feel love, run though my blood
I wish you were still here, loving me, so I wouldn't have to do this now.
Tell me is this when I give it all up?
It is the right choice right? I mean just imagine how happy we would be in the clouds. Dancing together and not having to worry about anything.
For you I have to risk it all
And that's worth the risk of my life.
Cause the writings on the wall
I stared at the bathroom wall as I lightly turned the tap on with my fingers. I wrote 'rip jospeh sugg, died of the lack of love' on my bathroom wall in my own blood after 2 weeks with him gone. It was all written on the wall.
A million shards of glass
They haunt me from my past
The shattered photo frame of us in the bathroom floor made me feel selfish. I was angry because I was all alone. Can't you see I'm struggling Caspar?! Please?! Let me die in my sleep instead of having to do this myself!
As the stars begin to gather and the light begins to fade
It was dark now and I turned of the water of the over flowing bathtub. I stripped to my underwear looking at the scars that lingered across my body. Caspar used to be able to stop this; this time he's caused it.
When all hope begins to shatter
"This is what happens." I spoke hoarsely to myself tracing my fingers over my burnt, scared and painful skin "This is what happens when all my hope is gone."
I know that I won't be afraid
I turn away from the mirror and climb into the container filled with hot water to the brim. This doesn't worry me anymore. It's been haunting me for so long - that it doesn't even scare me anymore.
If I risk it all
Could you break my fall?
I thought of Caspar again and nodded my head. This was because I love him. It would be a lot more nicer in heaven then here.
How do I live? How do I breathe? When I'm not with you I'm suffocating
I'm not with you now. So I'm suffocating in water. I'm drowning myself. Physically and mentally.
I wanna feel love, run though my blood
You, your love and the lack of feelings is the reason for all of this.
Tell me is this when I give it all up?
You'd appreciate me being strong for you for such a long time. But know I'm just a body that breathes unintentionally.
For you I have to risk it all
Goodbye everything. Hello Caspar Lee.
Cause the writings on the wall
Rip Joseph Sugg.
How do I live? How do I breathe?
When you're not here I'm suffocating
I want to feel love, run through my blood
Tell me is this where I give it all up?
I repeat everything in my head one more time. I'll finally get to feel your touch again and I'll finally get to see your face. You miss me don't you?
How do I live? How do I breathe?
When you're not here I'm suffocating
I want to feel love, run through my blood
Tell me is this where I give it all up?
3..2..1.. And under. I pull my face under water as I hold my breath and close my eyes.
For you I have to risk it all
You were defiantly worth the risk
Cause the writings on the wall
Cause of death: the lack of love
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I wrote this when I had like 2 reads okay.
