Sarcasm-Five Hargreeves x Reader (The Umbrella Academy)

Chapter 53

"The FBI believes they may have been acting in concert with the alleged shooter, Lee Harvey Oswald."

The TV was the only source of entertainment in the room at the moment after an exhausted team of delinquents stood around the console and listened for what the U.S. now had to say about them. After the wild goose chase after Diego on the grassy knoll, Y/N, Luther, and Five saved him from a guranteed embarassment but they were too late to arrive to the scene as the infamous shot was fired and Kennedy was assasinated. Not only that, but a black car sitting under the shade of a far away tree, with windows tinted far more than they should have been, drove away. That was only what they could have assumed was Reginald's get away vehicle. Nothing was lost or gained in this situation so far, apart from the briefcase and their freedom.

"Vanya Hargreeves, wanted in connection with the deaths of several FBI agents inside the federal building at Dealey Plaza. A Cuban exile known only as Diego..."

"Cuban," Diego scoffed, crossing his arms.

"...who recently escaped from from the Holbrook Sanitarium. A bare-knuckle boxer with suspected mafia ties who fights under the alias 'King Kong''. Allison Chestnut, a Negro radical responsible for instigating and organizing the recent riots at Standtler's lunch counter. Y/N Gussman..."

"Gussman," Five exclaimed, turning his head to Y/N who was scowling at her picture on the TV.

"Does my hair actually look that bad from behind?" She twirled a lock of her hair around her fingers in dismay.

"...who has been working at Morty's Television, where the body of her brother, Elliot Gussman was just recently discovered. She has been seen with all 5 of the suspects. And finally, Klaus, the controversial cult leader and known as tax evader. The FBI is asking the public to be on the lookout for this unidentified boy..."

The tv reporter grabbed a frame that held a picture of Five leaning over the gate with his mouth open as if he were yelling, which he was. Y/N snickered at the sadly timed photo while Five shook his head dissaprovingly.

"...who they believed being held hostage by the suspected terrorist network..."

"Well, it's true," Five shrugged. "I do feel like I've been held hostage

Everyone glared at him before focusing on the tv again, but they had switched topics.

"God, I hate that photo," Diego growled, leaning against the railing to the stairs.

"They're saying I instigated the riot," Allison sighed in disbelief. "That's unbelievable."

"Look, the good news is that we restored the timeline and we stopped doomsday. So-," Luther said, trying to find the bright side of the situation.

"Yeah, a bunch of real goddamn heroes. We let Kennedy die," Diego groaned.

"We?" Y/N raised a brow.

"Hey-"

"Well, we did that and now we're officially the most wanted people in the world," Allison agreed with Y/N. "The FBI is after us, the Dallas police, the Secret Service. It's only a matter of time before they hunt us down here."

"Well, where are we supposed to go," Vanya asked.

"I have this yurt just outside Reykjavik," Klaus said, coming down the stairs. "We could totally lay low there. Folks, they are a little weird but lovely."

"Hey, nunbutts," Five called.

"Eh?"

"Hiding's not gonna make a difference here," he said. "The commission will hunt us down wherever and whenever we go."

"He's right, they'll never stop," Diego nodded. "I learnt that the hard way."

"What?"

"Yeah, they headhunted me, offered me a job. Full time with benefits, which I had to turn down."

"I'm sorry, they headhunted you....The village idiot," Five questioned, having a hard time believing what Diego had said.

"What, am I not allowed to be headhunted," Diego snapped. "...only the almighty Five and his shitty girlfriend needs to be in demand?"

"Hey," Y/N snapped.

"Diego, you're not Commission material, alright," Five rolled his eyes. "Got an obstinate nature to ya."

"Who do you think it was that figured out Vanya was the one that causes doomsday and stopped it? Me."

"Uh, that was only after Lila drugged and kidnapped you," Y/N laughed at the additional detail. "Who knew..."

"Well, I figured it out on the Infinite Switchboard."

"You were on the infinite switchboard?"

"Hell, yeah. I made that machine my bitch."

Klaus snickered.

"SHUT UP! I got things done and none of y'all even knew about it," Diego snapped, crossing his arms as he got all up in Five's face.

"None of us cared," Y/N answered under her breath, coughing to hide what she had said once Diego looked down at her with a death glare worthy of sending someone six feet under.

"...at least I want busy playing with myself-"

"Can you dispense with the dick-measuring for five minutes?"

Everyone's arguing went silent as they turned to Allison who gave a half-hearted shrug.

Five turned to Diego and leaned next to him to whisper in his ear, "this isn't over."