THE JOCK JUST WANTS THE NERD [2]

33

||JACKSON||

"Damn..." I muttered in annoyance as I stared at my calculus worksheet. To think that math couldn't get any more frustrating after high school was a joke, here I am pulling out my hairs while hunched over the desk in our dorm room with my assignment papers. More letters and symbols as if the "x" wasn't enough to evaluate and determine. Damian had left to do his classes and to take an introduction practice to his new workplace. It was pretty mute by myself in this space, minus the fact that I can hear the murmur of the fridge we got. I thought I could manage to bear its ambiance, but having to listen to it when it's dead silent was getting on my nerves, considering that I was already getting annoyed by my homework. Sighing, I decided to take my papers with me and got out of the room. Grabbing my keys, I locked the door and headed outside to get a change of scenery.

Seeing the same bench I sat on a couple of days ago, I settled down on it again while the bristling leaves shaded me from the intense sun. As I began to resume on my stuff, I got a message from my phone. Taking it out of my pocket, I looked at the screen to see my Dad had texted me, "Hi son, it's been a while, how are you doing?" he texted.

Blinking, I smiled and replied as quickly as I could, "I'm doing fine dad, still trying to get stuff worked and figure out, but it's no big deal."

"Yeah, I hope you're well as you said. Just wanted to check if my boy's still alive! L.O.L"

Oh my-

"Dad, please don't ever message 'L.O.L' ever again," I could barely hold myself drawback from that lingo.

"LOL! Anyways, do well in your studies bud!" He sent another one for the last time before going offline. I rolled my eyes, geez...

-

I was finally nearing the end of my task and I was relieved for it to be over. As I computed the last question, I stretched my back to relax after doing the final problem. "Done..." I mumbled to myself with relief. Here I have myself staring back up at the tree sheltering above me. I still have a lot of daylight to kill, but I don't have anything planned on the agenda. My mind has been occupied with college while the other half is tenanted with thoughts of Ethan. How scarily concerning it is to have someone you can't get out of your head. I'm trying to focus on school, not trying to dwell in my fantasies. We aren't even d-dating... or in a relationship... er- why am I even thinking about this?! I shook my head. What can I do? Is it even worth pursuing him even though I have no absolute idea that he likes me? Wait, scratch that. Does he even like guys at all? I'm stuck in a conflicting loop, battling on different scenarios and options. Should I try and figure him out? Accept the fact that there remotely isn't a hint of attraction towards me and be friends, no, that would just be sad for my heart, especially if I keep hanging out with him. What about completely cutting him off...

That last part wasn't even an option for me. I just can't disassociate with him for many reasons: It would be horrible for both him and me. It would be selfish of me to do that. I'm lonely, currently no have many close friends in my college life, and I like him too much to let him go...

"You look like you're in deep thought."

I twitched back to my senses and look around confusingly to see that Kyle had sat down on the other end of the bench without me even realizing it.

"O-oh, hi Kyle, didn't see you there," I blinked.

"Stressed? Or thinking of something?" He asked.

I closed my eyes and laid back on to the pew, taking breaths, "I'm just... thinking about... things."

"Yeah, that made sense," Kyle chuckled.

I didn't know if I could exactly tell him my thoughts, but I just want to have a conversation in which I could release onto instead of welling them up in my head, "Hey Kyle, can I ask you something?" I said, turning to him.

"Hm? Sure," he shrugged.

"If you were to like someone, and you could never tell if they subtly like you back, what would you do?"

"Ah, I see..." Kyle nodded, "well, I'm gonna stretch out my explanation to tell you what I think about love...

Love is complicated as heck, it has so many roads, so many choices, good and bad. Each can be rumbly in its own way, different shades of gray. You'd be extremely lucky if you choose the right ones. But you should be strong if the path leads to the direction where you don't want to be. Then, there's also the choice to not go down the road of love. Let's take my buddy Kenny for example."

I raised a brow at him but listened anyway.

"Kenny and I have been close friends since middle school, all the way to Junior year in TopStar high school. He barely showed and interest in anyone. Then, as the years progress, we have this one girl in our year who I couldn't remember what her name was, but it probably started with an A : she sang, she was smart, kind to others, and was undeniably pretty. Anyways, lots of guys like her, including Kenny. I observed that she would have his attention frequently, but he never made any interaction with her, was it because he was shy? Or was it because he thought he wasn't good enough? This dragged all the way to high school. I decided to ask him one time about it, then he told me, 'I don't want to be in love,' Which, I didn't know why he would say that. Now, she left to go to another school during her Sophomore year because of drama. No hate on Kenny, but I fear that because he suppressed his feelings for so long, it made him stone-cold and turned him into a different person from when we first became friends. The dude changed into an emotionless sad sack. I guess my point is, it doesn't hurt to try, but it can definitely take a toll on you later if you keep beating yourself up, not knowing what the conclusion would have been if you didn't."

...

"...you could have just said go with it..."