366: One Story Per Day (2024)

Day 130 - Notes from the Best Year of My Life

      This is not your usual cup of tea, so you may skip reading this.

     This must have been the best year I've ever had so far. I've known myself more. In the past four years, I was subconsciously altering who I am. I was influenced by people, longing for bond I could not create during the pandemic. I forced myself as a jigsaw piece just to fit in somewhere that I knew was not made for me,

     Note to self: Do not let other people change you.

      Do not force yourself into doing stuff outside your comfort zone. Others might say that we must step out. I already did. I just created a brand new persona that was never me. That's already a quarter of my entire life spent being someone else. I've tried explaining myself through emails and books, but it seems like they prefer a more direct explanation.

     Hint: Life is not a straight road.

     I have also spent a fraction of my life doing something that I thought I loved doing, only to realize that I should have written stories instead of counting syllables each night. It started as a passion but ended up being an obligation. It was a rut. It turned out to be something that I was forcing myself to do. What am I doing to myself?

     What made me write this anecdote instead of a normal 500-word or so story? Gatekeeping.

     I introduced you to many things during that long, good run, and you still seem to enjoy some of those. But take note that you won't even know them without me, so you have no right to tell me not to enjoy those, too. 

     Do you remember when you have suppressed me into liking other stuff because of your insecurities? Do you remember when you caged me acting like a security camera in the need to know my every move? It felt like my personal panopticon yet I'm oblivious to the prison that you've made.

      Just like Aaron Burr in that musical that I introduced to you, you had no beliefs. You're just a blank slate that always relied on what was told by others to you. By eliminating such kind of person in my life, I've found peace. It's like talking to a wall and your insights are just echoes. It's dragging me down.

      You may have your own beliefs but those are bullshit. I am not going to touch religion since I don't believe in those anymore, but to believe that two completely unrelated things could affect one another? I have nothing else to say but stupid superstitions.

     I could go on and on but it would take a whole book to put everything into account.

     With all bad things left behind on the previous year, I became free. I can finally go wherever I want without thinking of inviting you. I was supposed to enjoy events but when you're there I become your chaperon.

     Other people might take away nothing from this, but think about where you are right now before you end up in some sort of predicament. Do not waste four years of your life being someone else.

     Got to go and search for some indoor plant to tend to.