wonderwall ♔ k. bryant

twenty-four

Kris

Is there a way to opt out of feelings? Is there a possibility of me just forgetting what feelings are and I can go back to living a good life without having to think about a girl I'm so very in love with?

No?

Sadly, I didn't think so.

But I've been trying to. Believe me, I'm trying. And I feel so awful for admitting to this, but I haven't talked to Mallory since the night she got into Atlanta. I haven't talked to her since she was having a breakdown about her dad. It sounds really shitty that I've been avoiding her after that, and it is. It's so unbelievably shitty and I hate myself for it. I hate myself for the reason that I can't bring myself to talk to her because every time it happens, all I want to do is just tell her how I feel but I know I can't just do that because she doesn't feel that way about me.

So, in short, I'm avoiding her because I don't want to deal with my feelings, and I guess the proper term for that I'm a fucking ridiculous human being.

We got back into Chicago yesterday after dropping the series to the Nationals up in Washington. I know that Jason went out with like three other players last night and I did get an invite, but I have not been in the mood. I didn't feel like going anywhere, and I still don't want to go anywhere. Not only that, but I genuinely feel like shit. 

I need to figure out what to do about all of this. It's driving me up a goddamn wall.

***

Joe decided not to put me in the lineup today, and I'm grateful. I don't feel as awful as I did yesterday, but I'm still not feeling it today. 

I really wasn't planning on talking to a lot of people today. I'm not in a good mood, and I've said a few words to like, Anthony, but other than that, I don't want to bring people down just because of how shitty my mood is.

But of course, that all had to change whenever David came over to me.

"Something's bothering you," he states as he takes a seat next to me on the bench.

"Nothing's bothering me, I'm just sick."

"I'm not talking about today, Kid, I'm talking about in general." I turn my head and raise an eyebrow at him.

"Explain. What makes you think I'm bothered?"

"You're acting weird. And I've been through this enough times with other teammates to be able to tell whenever something's wrong, so you should probably talk to me now before I go talk to my son about this. Because I'm sure he knows about it?"

"Anthony's not going to tell you. But fine, old man. Do you really wanna know?"

"Just tell me what's bothering you," he says and I sigh.

"There's this girl."

"Mallory?"

"What? I- How the hell..."

"I'm not blind, Kris, I can tell you've got a thing for her. But be thankful that a bunch of these dudes are blind, or else it'll be going all around the clubhouse, and it'll eventually get back to her. But go on," he nods and I start talking again while trying to pay attention to the game.

"I just... I think I'm in love with her. And I really want to tell her, but I can't. I mean, I could, but I don't think it's a good idea because she won't feel that way about me. Do you get it?" I turn back to him and he's listening closely.

"I get it. I went through this with my wife, and look at where we are! I think you should tell her, Kid. Like, tell her soon. But you need to do one thing, first," he says and I raise my eyebrow.