wonderwall ♔ k. bryant

twenty-six

Mallory

I've come to the conclusion that I'm a fuck up.

What the hell did I do? I love Kris. I thought I had my feelings figured out, and I thought that he wouldn't even feel the same way about me. But oh, no. Once he actually told me he did feel that way, what did I do? I pushed him away. And I hate myself for it.

I had the worst time trying to sleep. It was mainly just a mixture of tossing, turning, and replaying the events over and over again in my head, along with what I could and should have told him.

I woke up feeling drained, but I know that I can't lie around all day, as much as I would like to. I take out a pair of Nike shorts from one of my dresser drawers and throw on one of my old t-shirts that I forgot I even had. I slipped on my socks and my Nike tennis shoes before getting fully ready and heading out of the door.

On the way downstairs, I get out my iPhone and scroll through my contacts until I see my stepdad's name. I hit call and wait for him to answer.

"Morning, Mallory," he says on the other line, all cheerful. Part of me envies how happy he sounds.

"Good morning. Happy Father's Day, you old man."

"Now, hold on," he says, "I am not that old."

"Keep telling yourself that," I laugh and we start up a conversation.

Ted isn't my dad by blood. He hasn't been in my life since I was born and he wasn't in the room whenever my mom gave birth. But regardless, he's my family. I've grown close with him since the day my mom married him, and we've only grown closer since she died. What I have with Ted is more than I'm ever going to have with my actual father. But you know what? I'm okay with that.

"How have you been, Mallory? What's been going on with your life?"

"Honestly?" I say, "I've been... Awful. I think I seriously just fucked up a relationship I have."

"Jesus, what did you do?"

"Um, at Delaney's wedding, when we were talking about this guy. He kind of told me he's in love with me and I kind of pushed him away despite feeling the same way..." Yes, it sounds bad whenever I try to describe what happen. And I know that if I told Lauren, she'd probably find a way to make it sound worse.

"This is going to sound very... Not 'wise old man', but you need to talk to him if you actually feel that way," he suggests and I give out a frustrated sigh.

"I feel like I fucked up anything that could have happened with us. It's just...I freaked out when he came to me. I had already been overthinking so many things, and I was stressed, and he just sprung it on me, and... I freaked out."

"It's not too late to tell him, Mallory. If he really does love you like he says he does, he's going to understand why you reacted the way you did. I'm sure he's torn up about this, but if this dude's worth a shit, it's not going to matter once you explain yourself because he'll know that your feelings are important, too."

"You wise old man."

"Yeah, I know. I've... I've heard that before," he tells me and I laugh. We talk for a few more minutes before we hang up, and I go on my morning run to try and get my mind off of things for a little bit.

I want to tell Kris. I so desperately want to talk to him, but I don't even know what I could say, or how I could gather up the courage to say, "Hey, can we talk?"

I'm a fucking coward, I know.

But I know that I'll have to talk to him. I'll have to.

***