Children of Night and Snow

4. Last Goodbyes

"Has the jury come to a verdict?" I heard the stern voice of a judge as the court room fell silent. This was my third day on the stand. I spent the last two days listening to the witnesses repeating over and over how I lost control and attacked Lilian right in front of them, how I nearly tore her arm off from the shoulder socket, how I refused to submit to Colin and tried to attack him too. They showed photos and videos a few brave people took on their phones. I cried the first day, but I ran out of tears on the second. There were only so many times I could watch it. Hear it. And then on a third day, it was my time to plead guilty, giving up any chances to appeal the decision they were going to make, as well as publicly apologize. And I did. I swallowed all my pride and said what they wanted me to, praying they'll keep their word.

"Yes your honor," the response rang through the room and I mustered all my courage to look up into the eyes of the judge in front of me, as he took an envelope with the verdict in his hands and tore it open.

"Noyla Brook, you have been found guilty of an act of rebellion and an attempted murder," he began with a sigh, "I hereby sentence you to exile."

The room suddenly erupted with noise, some cheering, some angry, there were sobs too just behind me where my mom sat. But I couldn't look at her right now. I couldn't look at anyone. Exile. That word rang in my head. Over and over and over. I still didn't know what it really meant. What was waiting for me out there. I didn't feel dread, or hope. I felt nothing but utter exhaustion. One more night in that blasted dungeon. And then... exile.

"Silence!" the judge shouted as he smashed his hammer down on the stand in front of him. And as the room quieted, he turned his eyes to me once more. I didn't return the favor.

"Noyla you are a bright young woman. It pains me to be the one who has to send you away like this. However law is law and you broke the most sacred one we have. I wish you luck on your journey north. May you find peace there you couldn't find here," he said, his voice filled with sorrow. A bright young woman. They kept repeating that. But those words meant nothing to me. And they would mean even less when I walk into the Frozen Wastes tomorrow. So I said nothing as they took me back to the dungeon for the final night. There, in my cell, they took the chains off, telling me that someone will bring me basic stuff like clothing and food for my journey. They were at least going to give me a tiny chance to survive.

I sat in my cell, listening to the sound of dripping water while absentmindedly rubbing the sore spots the silver cuffs left behind. After nearly a week without taking them off, there was no chance it wouldn't leave a mark. A week ago that knowledge would send me into a mental breakdown, but now? I had much bigger things to worry about. I knew I should be trying to remember everything I knew about the land beyond our borders. And I wanted to desperately kick into a high survival gear, try to give myself at least some chance to live through this. But my mind was blank and I felt numb. Unable to think, unable to move. Unable to fully comprehend the events that led me to where I was now. And then the sound of footsteps in the corridor brought me back to my senses as Sheyla and Olivia approached my cell.

"Hey," Sheyla whispered as the both kneeled on the opposite side of the metal bars separating us. Their puffy eyes and red cheeks told me they've both been crying. It isn't hard to guess that I was the source.

"We brought you supplies for your... journey," Olivia choked on her words as she slid two bundles beneath the bars. I cautiously took them.

"It's not much, but hopefully it'll keep you warm enough. It was hard to get clothing suitable for winter around here," Sheyla said as they watched me sort through the stuff. Boots, two pairs of socks, gloves, leggings, shirt and sweater, a scarf, a beanie and something that looked kinda like an overly warm onesie. Then a small backpack stuffed with granola bars and other snacks as well as two flasks with water. Would it be enough? I didn't know. None of us really did. We've never seen the snow. Never experienced night so dark you could barely see.

"I snuck in some other things too. Something to remember us by, you know? To keep you going when you feel like you can't," Olivia whispered as she broke down in tears again. I watched my two best friends comfort each other and I felt so so far away from them. It only then occurred to me that this was the last time I saw them. Even if I did make it across the Frozen Wastes, there was no way I could see them, hear them, hug them ever again. There was no communication with the north. It was a land so distant it may have as well been another planet. Did they even have technology there?

"Hey girls?" I rasped, getting their attention. "Smile for me, will you? When I... when I go, that's how I want to remember you. Smile for me one last time and when I close my eyes, please just go," I said, my heart shattering into million pieces with those words. And by the looks in their eyes, theirs did the same. But they granted me my wish, probably trying really hard to think of something positive, conjuring a memory strong enough to make them smile for me even if all they wanted to do was to weep. I reached out with my hand to hold theirs and returned the smile back as I closed my eyes and waited for their touch to disappear along with those footsteps down the hall. I wanted to assure them that I was strong enough. That no matter what I would make it. I would live and make a life for myself somewhere out there. But I couldn't bring myself to lie to them. Or to myself for that matter. And so I was silent.

My bookshelf back at home was full of romantic stories with happy endings. In those books, people always got to say their goodbyes, there were always last hugs, reassuring words and tearful reunions. There was always hope. No matter how bad things got throughout the book, the heroine always had her happily ever after. I used to read them and dream of my future with Colin. Whenever he would blow me off or cheat on me, I would tell myself that it's okay, that I'm simply in the middle of my own book and things would turn around soon. I was naive and full of hope and dreams for a future only I seemed to plan for.

But reality was nowhere near as beautiful. As the morning came and I was led out of the cells, there were no last goodbyes, no hugs and I love yous. There was me, holding for dear life onto my backpack and winter clothes, the only possessions I now had, as they led me into a truck with another set of metal bars. And as the door closed behind me and the truck roared to life, that was it. Through a small window I watched my home disappear. I watched my mom's knees give out beneath her as my dad held her. I watched the smoke rise from the chimney of our cabin, my childhood home I'll never get to see again. I didn't get to say goodbye to my parents. It was part of my punishment. But as we entered the woods and the trees completely obscured my home town from view, I couldn't help but wonder if they were punishing me or them. For not raising me better. For not keeping their child in check.

No, the books lied. There were no happy endings.