Children of Night and Snow

21. Photos From The Past

After that very eventful morning, I slept through an entire afternoon all the way into the night. Devan warned me that just because I shifted once didn't mean we were done. Next day I was to do it again. And again. And again until I could no longer feel the pain. He also said it would take a few months before I reached that stage, which almost made me fall on my knees and beg him to let me quit. Seeing my desperation, he promised to let me have a little break during All Souls celebrations which I welcomed despite still not having an idea what exactly did All Souls celebration even mean.

Now, I was lying in bed, surrounded by five sleeping wolves, wide awake because I slept through the day. I was painfully aware of the ticking clock, of the breathing of the people I share the bedroom with, but even the wind outside. And I was too hot now to be under a blanket. Not to mention I could smell everything. Devan warned me that once I became one with my wolf, my senses would heighten, but I had no idea what it really meant until it happened. Now I heard, smelled and felt everything all at once and wasn't sure what to make of it. If anything, it confused me even more.

Unable to fall back asleep, I climbed down and went to the bathroom to clean up my new tattoo. With the amount of sleep I managed to get, my body managed to fully regenerate and even the tattoo was almost healed now. I stared at it in fascination. Nolan explained that the ink had to be laced with silver in order for our bodies to not simply regenerate over it and if I focused hard enough, I could spot small silver particles inside. It wasn't anywhere near enough to harm or weaken me. Just enough to keep the ink in place. But it was a fascinating sight. I was a Duskfall resident now. Even if illegally, I now belonged here, in a town whose name I didn't even know until yesterday. It was a strange feeling.

Walking over to the small kitchen, I boiled a bit of water to make tea and once it was ready, I sat down on the couch and just got lost in my thoughts. The clock was now showing 1:30am. Too early even for an early workout. But I was restless. It was now October 29th and I was eighteen years old. If someone told me half a year ago that this is how I would be celebrating it, I would think they're crazy. Back then, I was the school queen, an honor student, future Luna. I had friends and loving parents. I had it all. And mere days after that, it all fell apart. Looking back, the memory of Colin and Lilian still upset me and made my heart ache. I still felt like crying. But I also wished I handled my heartbreak better. With everything that happened after, Noyla Brook seemed like an impulsive spoiled brat to me. I wanted to go back and slap some sense into her. To tell her that if she kept going the way she did, she'd end up losing what she cherished the most forever.

But I couldn't go back in time, I could only go forward. And there wasn't a single path ahead which would lead me back home. I reached for my backpack, which remained lying right next to the couch. Nobody touched it since they saw how important it was to me. I pulled out the small black pouch. The backpack smelled awful since it was still in the same shape in which I brought it from the tunnels. If this is how my whole being smelled the day Devan brought me here, I was shocked he didn't pass out. It was so bad I left the pouch on the couch and went to put the backpack in the trash. Then I returned to my spot and pulled out the three photos inside. I just sat there, staring at the only three reminders of the people who raised me, whom I grew up with. And I missed them all so much.

"Who are they?" I heard Nolan's voice in my ear and I jumped, nearly pouring the rest of my tea all over both of us. I was so lost in my thoughts, I didn't hear him come down despite my overly sensitive ears. He gave me a weird look before he jumped on the couch opposite to me and stole the mug out of my hands, taking a sip out of it and looking at me expectantly.

"Just some people I used to know," I replied as I tried to snatch my mug back from him, but he wouldn't let me.

"They seem quite important since you brought photos of them all the way here," he noted and I looked away.

"I can't talk about them. Not yet," I told him and we both went silent. After a few minutes, he got up and left for the kitchen, while I sat still, staring at the ticking clock, holding onto those photos I was no longer brave enough to look at. Just some people, I called them. I was just eighteen now. I still had at least a hundred years ahead of me assuming I'd survive this place long enough to have a normal werewolf lifespan. Will I even remember them as the decades go by? Fifty years down the road, maybe I'll have a life here, a family of my own, will I even remember my mother's name? Her smile? The color of her eyes? Or will she just be a faint memory on an old photo that I kept for reasons long forgotten? How many years will it take for me to forget the warmth of the sun on my face, who I once was or my own name? The thought of it alone brought a strange mix of sadness, desperation, but also hope and relief into my heart. I didn't want to forget. But maybe forgetting was better than remembering what I could never have again.

Nolan was making more tea. I could hear him setting down two mugs for us, despite him being incredibly quiet about it. I could hear the water simmer in the pot, smell the freshly cut lemon. It was strange to be able to use my senses to such a degree. And scary to think that up until yesterday, I couldn't. While it was still overwhelming and I had very little focus and control, it was also a whole new World. I looked towards the kitchen, hearing him approach. 

"You should be asleep you know," he whispered as he handed me a mug.

"So should you," I shrugged before taking a sip. It was a good tea.

"You looked like you could use a company," he replied as if it was the most logical thing in the World. "I don't know what you've been through or what happened that you ended all the way here, so far away from home. I hope you'll tell us someday, but until you do, we can just share some tea in silence," he gave me a wink which forced me to give him a small smile in return.

If he was waiting for a response, he must've been disappointed because I said nothing. There was nothing left for me to say anyway. So we just sat there in silence for a while, drinking our tea. It wasn't a grand party with a big chocolate birthday cake. Nobody sang to me, there was no dancing or fancy presents. Yet somehow, just the feeling that I wasn't completely alone, even if the man sitting opposite to me had no idea what day it was, it made me feel content. I was alive, healthy and now it seemed there were also at least some people who even remotely cared for me. In this lonely World, that was just enough.

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-Manon