Children of Night and Snow

62. No More Flower Crowns

"Nolan, we have to go," I whispered while he was kissing down my neck and shoulder.

"Five more minutes," he mumbled into my skin.

"We'll miss dinner," I replied, his touch making me weak in my knees. He groaned into my shoulder in defeat and then he reluctantly let go. We left the shower to find our room empty, likely because everyone else had already left. It wasn't the first time this happened and it wouldn't be the last either. Though today we were especially late, so as we arrived into the dining hall hand in hand, only the worst food was left for us. A cruel price to pay for a few moments of intimacy, but I said nothing as we joined our group for another silent meal.

Spring Equinox was today and I barely remembered. After another harrowing day at the gym with Az, celebrations weren't exactly on my mind, yet I felt a little guilty at the thought of skipping the first major holiday of my people. Well, my former people. So after dinner I planned on going outside for a little bit. I managed to snuck a piece of wood out of the common room's fireplace and planned on carving out a charm for us all. But I wanted to be alone, though I wasn't exactly sure why. It's not like any of my friends would understand this custom anyway. They'd probably find it silly. Maybe I was simply ashamed. The thought of feeling shame over something like this made it even worse, so I pushed those thoughts away and focused on finishing my not so appetizing dinner instead.

I snuck out after the lights went out and everyone in the room drifted off to sleep. The full moon shined brightly up in the sky surrounded by millions of stars as I walked beneath it in the frozen snow. Everything was so quiet out here at the outpost. The area was closed off by a giant mountain on one side and surrounded by a tall obsidian wall around the rest. It was such an empty and lonely place. My heart ached at the memories of colorful festivals, blossoming nature and warmth of the spring sun. They all seemed so distant now. Hazy even.

Ignoring the cold, I knelt down on the snow, extended a claw out of my pointer finger and began to carve all the little prayers and enchantments into the stolen piece of wood hoping my memory wouldn't betray me. Subconsciously I began to sing the song of Spring into that void and darkness surrounding me. And as I sang about the loss and the end of a year prior,and the new life and new beginnings ahead, I became aware of my own tears and how my voice would break when I'd hit certain passages of the ancient song.

I could feel them standing behind me now. My friends. At some point, my absence must have been noted by Nolan and they all decided to come looking for me. Or at least that was the only explanation I could really think of. They stood further away, probably to give me space. And I didn't acknowledge them as I carried on singing softly. It shouldn't matter if they heard me. They all knew where I came from, there was no point in hiding it. And when I was done and the wind took away the last words from my lips, welcoming the spring, season which would never come to these lands, I got up and walked silently towards them, my newly carved charm in one hand while I held onto Nolan with the other.

"Are you alright?" Nolan asked me not with concern, but caution. Was he unsure of how to approach this situation? I wouldn't blame him if he was. I wouldn't blame any of them.

"Yeah. Old habits is all," I replied with a small, reassuring smile.

"Wanna talk about it?" he followed up with another question just as we walked to our room. Did I want to talk about it? I looked around to see the faces of the seven people whom I only met a few months ago, yet they became a family to me. I could ask anything and they'd answer. Even if it took me a long time to start asking to begin with. And in return, I hid what I could from them. Maybe it wasn't about my want to talk about this stuff. Maybe the question was if I should. And the answer was, that it was only fair I did.

"There isn't much to say. It's a tradition where I came from. We have a big festival every Spring Equinox, this is one of the things we do," I shrugged, struggling to find words that would convey what exactly this thing was. And what it meant.

"And what exactly is it you were doing?" Lucia was the first one to let her curiosity lose, something she earned a weird look from Nolan for, but I didn't mind. In fact, I welcomed the questions, because without them, I wasn't sure if I had the courage to just talk. My heart was still broken into pieces, even almost a year after. And those pieces slowly began to turn into stone, black obsidian like the ancient walls and monuments that decorate Northern cities. It made my chest hurt whenever I looked up to the sky and tried to reach for my memories, which were slowly being sucked away in between the cracks, leaving a dull ache and hollow feeling of losing something very precious once, yet so far gone already, that I couldn't recall what it was.

"It's a charm. For luck and protection. Or at least I think it is," I replied looking down at the piece of wood in my hands. And out of nowhere and without warning, tears flooded my vision. Why was I crying? And in front of all of them? Yes, they saw me at my worst before, still this seemed so insignificant, so why?

"Freya? Are you alright?" Nolan whispered, concern clear in his voice. I felt him squeezed my hand as I let out an unexpected sob. No, I wasn't alright.

"Talk to us," Az' voice cut through my little breakdown unexpectedly, bringing me momentarily back to reality I was slowly losing my grip on. I could hear a low growl coming from Nolan and feel what I assumed was Az' hand on my shoulder. But I was too busy reigning in my own inner chaos to pay attention to whatever the two of them had going on.

"I don't really know what to say," I admitted, feeling utterly hopeless. Here I was, a broken mess for seemingly no reason at all, crying in front of my seven clearly very concerned friends. What was wrong with me?

"Let's go back inside, I have something that might just cheer you up," Connor broke the silence that followed my words. His tone was cheerful, but I knew better now. I could tell that it was for my sake. To try and lift me up from the rock bottom my emotions suddenly hit without warning.

Without another word, we all went back to our room, where Demi and Lucia threw all our blankets and pillows on the floor in the middle of our room before the rest of us even managed to take our coats off. Connor dug out a bottle of whiskey from a pile of stuff next to his bed, while Devan managed to find a few candles somewhere. And as we all sat down in the makeshift blanket nest, in the dim light of the candles, and opened the bottle of golden brown liquid, all that I was missing was that skylight above our heads to transport us a few months back to Duskfall.

"Here, drink up," Devan handed me the bottle with a command I didn't hesitate to follow.

"So, do these spring celebrations involve drinking as well?" Demi asked as she leaned back into Lucia, who then proceeded to hug her and pull her even closer. I chuckled.

"Lots of it. And dancing and singing. And flower crowns," I said, sorting through the blur of my memories, I couldn't help but smile. I could still hear the laughter, the melodies of sacred songs. See the colors of the dresses and flower crowns which people wore. I could remember the happiness I felt once. But all those people in my memories, they had no names, no faces. The fire burnt bright but didn't warm my bones. And part of me wanted to desperately hold onto these things. Mourned slowly losing them. While the other welcomed the distance which time and trauma began to put between me and my past. Because it was easier that way.

"Well, I don't think we can work out the flower crowns part, but I'll be damned if we couldn't replicate the rest," Lucia took the bottle from Aaron, took a sip and then raised it in the air as a cue for the party to begin.

It was now so very late. And we were going to be so exhausted tomorrow. But we didn't care. I didn't care. Nobody asked anymore questions about my past. For the next few hours, we sang and danced and drank like there was no tomorrow. Like nothing mattered. Like we weren't stuck in the empty place, fighting for our survival. Eight lost souls searching for a place to call home. And when the candles could no longer burn, the liquor ran out and we were hoarse from singing, we fell asleep side by side, on the pile of blankets on the floor, just like back in Duskfall. And I realized that I finally understood what Az meant when he said home wasn't a place, but rather the people you share it with.